About The MORON

Sir Paul Mental, owner of Heave PLC

Hello and welcome to Midway’s Online Review Of News. The super, soaraway MORON is part of Heave PLC’s exciting portfolio of local and national newspapers, both online and in print format. Our national titles include: 

The Daily Heil
The Sunday Heil
The Heily Express
The Tory Loonygraph
The Murdoch Times
Gay Bikers in Leather
Hamster Abusers Weekly
(are these last two right? – Ed)

We aim to bring you the very latest in local vacuous non-events and assorted right-leaning claptrap, along with our TV channel, GoeBbels News, with its outspoken team of failed, useless or otherwise untalented Tory politicians and other demented nut-jobs who are too tarnished or deranged to get a public platform anywhere else.  

As a local news outlet the MORON is, of course, committed to offering a completely balanced and fair coverage of Midway’s latest news. However, our broken business model requires us to pursue an ever-shrinking share of on-line advertising revenue and so “chasing the clicks” is vitally important to us. So stuff any editorial principles, just give us the money. 

Our editorial tone therefore reflects the values of our core readership, which consists of xenophobic, racist pensioners, rabid right-wing conspiracy theorists, shit-thick Brexit voters who still reckon that Brexit was a good idea and well-off, smug Tory freemason types who are too stupid or lazy to get their opinions from anywhere else. 

And there's our infamous "reader's comments", which puts across a rabidly right-wing viewpoint whilst enabling us to claim the moral high ground of hands-off, politically-neutral "freedom of speech". Of course, we manipulate the voting and edit, delete or censor comments that don't suit our corporate agenda. We think that the cumulative effect of relentlessly right-wing bias, abuse and gaslighting masquerading as an audience opinion cannot be underestimated.

Heave PLC is also backed by a consortium of tax-exiles and other assorted shady oligarchs who very much like the current political state of the UK thanks very much, so don’t expect any social justice, public service or taxing-the-rich-to-help-the-poor sort of lefty, woke bollocks here. 

We at the MORON are committed to the highest standards of journalism for the lowest amount of money we can spend. To satisfy these aspirations, enhance shareholder value and bring you the quality of local news coverage we think our readers deserve, we’ve therefore fired all of our experienced journalists and instead rely on cheap YTS staffers who just skim social media all day for anything even remotely of local interest. 

Add that output to our old staples of advertorials for chain stores, big pubcos and national junk food outlets, click-bait that gives publicity to Tory distraction issues like the ULEZ, "Immigrants" and culture wars, along with generic reviews of local fast-food restaurants and pubs owned by our paid subscribers and there you have it… 

…an exciting on-line review of Midway’s latest news, just for YOU!