Wonderful Weatherforks Boozers Bring Springtime Cheer…

It’s been a few days since we last ran an advertorial for our favourite pub mega-chain, the utterly brilliant Weatherforks boozers.

And sure enough the Weatherforks boss, Brexit hero Sir Martin Timm, rang our editor up to demand that we run a plug for his 12-day beer festival, featuring right-wing-themed brews from all over the world.

Weatherforks boss Sir Martin Timm.

Weatherforks’ boss, Brexit hero Sir Martin Timm said: “The festival is a great celebration of right-wing real ale.”

“It will allow us to showcase a selection of superb short-dated value-for-money beers, including those from brewers as far afield as America and Australia, as well as those closer to home. The festival features several brewers who support far-right political parties, with many of the beers having been brewed, or the brewing assisted, by right-wing populists,” said Sir Timm.

“The event will pander to our usual clientele of shouty fascist pensioners, benefit scroungers and other assorted yobbos, giving them the opportunity to binge-drink strong cheap beers which have not previously been available in our boozers, as well as those brewed especially for the festival.”

And a new beer now on sale across the UK as part of wonderful Weatherforks Spring Beer Festival has been specially created in Kent, just for the occasion!

The refreshing golden pale ale has been brewed by property developer and part-time brewer Nepo Scheame, from its brewery based at its Chattingham headquarters.

“It’s called Symond’s Throat-Warmer, a beer which offers a fruity, nutty experience and a good head,” says Sir Timm. “That’s what my good friend Boris says anyway. So I hope everyone enjoys it!...”

The Spring Beer Festival will see all eight of the chain’s brilliant Midway boozers welcome pints from Australia, Germany, Italy, France and the USA.

The international beers will all be served for the first time at the festival, which runs from Wednesday, March 5 to Sunday, March 16.

These beers include Don’t Know Vote No from Dutton’s Creek in Australia, Parti Populaire from Bernier in Canada, El Duce from Meroni in Italy, Blut Und Boden from Lebensraum in Germany and Roman Salute from Musk in the USA.

“The selection of 30 real ales doesn’t include ‘vegan’ or ‘non-alcoholic’ options as this is a proper right-wing beer festival,” said Sir Timms. “So don’t ask for any woke rubbish like that as a punch in the face often offends you leftie types.”

Weatherforks boozer The Rees-Moggs Head

The price of a festival pint in the wonderful Weatherspoons in Midway will start at £1.99.

The full festival line-up features British beers from the Brexit Fantasy Brewery in Henley, Badenoch's Trouble Brewing in Grantham, Wee  Krankie Sturgeon’s Brewery in Scotland, Mad Nad’s Brewery in Bedfordshire, Jenrick’s Backhander Brewery Company in Newark and Chattingham’s Nepo Scheame Brewery.

Customers can pick up tasting notes on all of the beers from inside any brilliant Weatherforks boozer, with pictorial instructions showing how to use a beer glass for the benefit of the usual customers.

The notes will be available as part of the festival magazine and can be downloaded online or via the Weatherforks app. 

More gushing “swoon over ‘spoons” advertorials masquerading as ‘news’ in the real world… 

Comments:
Please note that we do not moderate comments. However, we may edit or delete them, or manipulate the voting on them in order to reflect our editorial policy.

Chad Grindr wrote:
It is always amusing how the self-entitled dribbling left-wing loons start frothing at the mouth and looking down their snooty noses when ever somebody mentions Weatherforks. They are what they are, with no frills. They are not pretentious or do they pretend to be anything else than a cheap watering hole for all, including mainly old working-class fascists and those that are not inserted up their own behinds :-)

👍+78

Grey Mondeo Man replied:
The real reason that people with your political views pretend to like Weatherforks pubs is that the owner is a right-wing millionaire who was a huge supporter of your precious Brexit. I very much doubt if you or any of your other right-wing chums on here actually use them regularly, purely on the basis that you appear to know how to read and write.

👎-28

Chad Grindr replied:
Will you just STOP SHOUTING YOU DRIVELLING LEFTIST LOON!!!

👍+109

Victor Laudanum wrote:
Weatherforks bulk-buys short-dated beer from breweries at bargain basement prices. It’s stuff they would otherwise be pouring down the drains in a week or two. You’re welcome to pay £1.99 a pint for it. I’d rather pay five quid and get a decent pint that won’t give me the squits later on.

👎-45

Chad Grindr replied:
Oh, the old “short-dated beer” chestnut, doubtless put out by some UK-business-hating lefty to try and drag down the Weatherforks chain and its far-sighted entrepreneurial owner whom the green-eyed remoaners hate so much. I know you woke socialist bed-wetters don’t like facts, but here’s the proof that shows up your leftist lies for what they are:
https://www.proactiveinvestors.co.uk/companies/news/1049385/does-spoons-buy-nearly-out-of-date-beer-1049385.html

👍+142

Victor Laudanum replied:
Thanks for the link, Chad. I was expecting to maybe see some details of invoices and quality certs, but instead your “proof” just consists of the pub chain owner simply asserting that he doesn’t buy short-dated beer.
So that’s all right then.
I mean, we all know Brexiters always tell the truth, don’t we?

👎-31

Neil Barse replied:
Typical lies and whataboutery from a bitter and twisted leftist Labo*r loser. I think you far-left socialists must be mentally ill to constantly come out with the lies and whataboutery the way you do. And what about Labo*r’s plans to tax all Weatherforks pubs out of existence to punish the owner for not being a woke, bed-wetting leftie, eh? Eh? That’s a plan that I’m sure you woke, hate-filled far-left St*rmer worshippers would approve of.

👎👎👎👎+1024

Victor Laudanum replied:
So I ask for a better standard of proof than “because I said so” and I get a tirade of demented abuse? Par for the course on here, I suppose. And as for the “Labo*r plans” you refer to, I presume you are able to provide some evidence of these. I’m sure they’d be headline news, after all. Or do they only exist in your head?

👎-78

Neil Barse replied:
Your constant sealioning is a typical tactic of a hard-left, bitter and twisted leftist Labo*r loser. You are provided with facts and you choose to ignore them because they demonstrate to the world that your opinions are those of a hate-filled, ultra-far-left socialist bed-wetter. In making ever more strident demands for information, you merely show your mental illness by constantly coming out with lies and whataboutery.

👍👍+425

Victor Laudanum replied:
Once again, you confuse unsubstantiated assertions for facts, then accuse me of “sealioning” when I question their authenticity. But I’ll leave it at that. I can see you are getting angry. Again.

👎-45

Chad Grindr replied:
Talking of unsubstantiated assertions, Victor, what is the source of your assertion that “Weatherforks bulk-buys short-dated beer”?

👍+89

Victor Laudanum replied:
Oh, some bloke I heard talking down the pub.
That should be good enough for a right-winger like you, shouldn’t it?
Of course, the real reason ‘Forks can sell cheap beer is their buying power and sales volumes. But I’d thought I’d pull you and your rightie chums’ chains.
And it worked!

👍+23

Neil Barse replied:
Chad – this is why you should not waste your effort trying to engage leftist idiots like VL in rational debate. They deserve only insults, random distraction issues, whataboutery and gaslighting. This involves no rational thought whatsoever, which should not be wasted on demented leftists who disagree with us. This will ensure that wishy-washy, woke snowflakes will be driven away, meaning that WE WIN all of the time.

👍+2

SuperSmallDick wrote:
My local Tory councillor told me that Labo*r is going to increase duty on all alcoholic drinks by 3000% to fund benefits for illegal immigrants in boats. Meanwhile, millions of English pensioners are freezing to death thanks to the removal of the WFP and thousands of farmers are living on the streets because they have been made homeless by Labour’s IHT changes. Four more years of Starmer’s communist dictatorship, then I can vote REFORM.

👍+25

Grey Mondeo Man replied:
I’m currently sitting in a sunny pub garden wearing a t-shirt. It’s a balmy 18°C.
So who and where are all these “millions of English pensioners” who “are freezing to death”?
Have ANY UK pensioners actually frozen to death this winter?  I can’t recall the Daily Mail/Express/Telegraph naming any. You’d think it would be the sort of thing they would be screeching to high heaven about, after all.
Or could it all be a load of hyperbolic right-wing invective about a Labo*r budget as usual?

👍+9

Neil Barse replied:
Yet more tedious insults, lies, sealioning and disinformation from Grey Mondeo Man. I think you leftists must be mentally ill to constantly come out with the lies and whataboutery the way you do. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, you are are unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you tofu-eating, Guardian-reading pillock.

👍👍👍👍+591

Notasoviet Resident wrote:
Comrades Labo*r used lies and disinformation to trick their way into power and have been attacking UK population ever since by doing things they had promised not to I cannot think of any other government in world which has passed legislation which they know will kill most vulnerable people in society like pensioners who will die if they withdrew the Winter Fuel Allowance now they are attacking poor millionaire farmers and billionaire rentier landowners like my wealthy friends from beloved Russia. Who will be next? The rest of the world is looking on with horror as political opponents and journalists in UK are thrown in jail for social media posts and journalists are threatened by St*rmer and bully boys of his regime what UK needs is fairness and freedom of true democracy as offered in homeland by dear Mr. Putin and his patriotic rich oligarch friends rather than gangster regime of Ke*r St*rmer. UK is becoming known for totalitarian gangster politics and it is not a good look so vote REFORM at next elections for true democratic freedom.

👍+18

  

MT Weatherforks Confirms New Midway Boozer - At Heathen’s Midway Coast Holiday Park At Claptout-On-Sea

Our favourite Brexity pub giant Weatherforks has confirmed it is to open its latest boozer - at a Midway holiday park.

Fantastic Weatherforks newest Midway boozer; The Sunlit Uplands at Claptout-On-Sea...

The firm is extending its partnership with UK holiday firm Heathen - unveiling four new boozers at its parks.

And among them is the Midway Coast Holiday Park - formerly known as the Claptout Holiday Park – at Midway’s seaside resort of Claptout-On-Sea.

It will be welcoming the on-site Weatherforks, to be called The Sunlit Uplands. Heathen says it has invested around £1.3 million in the boozer.

Opening in March, other Weatherforks boozers will open in other British resort areas with a Really Extreme Far-Out Rightwing Maniacs Party UK PLC^©™® MP, such as Skankness, Great Footanmouth, South Doubledown and East Pillock. In total, Heathen says it’s invested £6.5m in its expansion of its partnership with the pub giant.

Heathen has pursued a significant investment in its parks over recent years - saying it has invested £100m during 2024.

Over the past 18 months, other significant investments at its Midway Coast park include a night rally centre for torchlight parades, a Weimar Cabaret bar and expanded arcade, as well as a new modern “Strength Through Joy” fitness camp.

Simon Palehorse, Heathen’s chief executive, said: “The opening of The Sunlit Uplands at Midway Coast reflects our ongoing efforts to grow and enhance our partnership with the Really Extreme Far-Out Rightwing Maniacs Party UK PLC^©™®. We look forward to bringing this immersive far-right experience to even more locations across the UK for old Tory or REFORM-voting UK PLC^©™® Brexity, xenophobic pensioners who have lots of spending money and won’t travel abroad in case they might meet ‘forreners’.”

Sir Martin Timms, CEO and owner of MT Weatherforks, added: “Our pubs in the Midway area cater for Midway’s infamous population of shouty old Tory pensioners, binge-drinkers and other assorted clapped-out old fascists, and have proven to be a great success. We are confident that the four new pubs will be welcomed by the same demographic, i.e. long-term unemployables on benefits and obnoxious, well-off old Tories with pension money to spend.”

Midway’s fantastic Weatherforks boozers are already doing fantastic January deals on beer, with a pint of Symond’s Special Delight (a fruity and slightly nutty brew with a good head) or Johnson Senior’s Wifebeater (a beer that really packs a punch at 6.2%) only costing a fantastic 99p.

As part of the planning permission, The Sunlit Uplands at Claptout-On-Sea will be open to holidaymakers and park home owners only.

“But we’ll soon leverage our scale, brow-beat the council and open up to everyone within the next twelve months,” said Sir Timms.

“You can bet your Brexit on that…”

In the real world, yet another desperate “swoon over ‘spoons” advertorial…

Comments:
Please note that we do not moderate comments. However, we may edit or delete them, or manipulate the voting on them in order to reflect our editorial policy. 

Phil Thementallyill wrote:
Another disaster for Midway as yet another local business is hit by Labo*r’s introduction of VAT on private school fees, inheritance tax changes for farmland, hikes in employer’s national insurance contributions, increases in the statutory minimum wage and Ke*r St*rmer’s freebie spectacles. All those who voted Labo*r at the last election should hang their heads in shame.

👍+322

Grey Mondeo Man replied
How does a £1.6 million investment in a local business count as a disaster for Midway? Did you even read the article?

👎-12

Yu Rong replied:
Ooooh get you and your tantrums

👍+67

Neil Barse replied:
Typical lies and whataboutery from a bitter and twisted leftist Labo*r loser. I think you far-left socialists must be mentally ill to constantly come out with the lies and whataboutery the way you do. You are obviously a bitter, lonely, insidious individual who's mental instability is getting worse by the day, due to the fact they fail to annoy anyone with their constant sea-lioning and self-contradictory posting. Crawl away and die, you tofu-eating, Guardian-reading pillock.

 👍👍👍👍+1024

Phil Thementallyill wrote:
Yet again, the strong economic legacy left by the Tories, combined with the entrepreneurial stimulus provided by Brexit has attracted this invaluable £1.6 million investment in Midway’s local business community. However, I feel that it is doomed to failure as a result of Labo*r’s introduction of VAT on private school fees, inheritance tax changes for farmland, hikes in employer’s national insurance contributions, increases in the statutory minimum wage and Ke*r St*rmer’s freebie spectacles. All those who voted Labo*r at the last election should hang their heads in shame.

👍+322

Auntie Nartsie replied:
I absolutely agree Phil. Like all true English patriots, I am praying for runaway inflation, the destruction of what’s left of British industry, the collapse of the UK’s banking system, the impoverishment of the whole country, societal disintegration, famine and mass civil disorder. Right-thinking, Union Jack-wavers like us will then be able to crow about how bad Ke*r St*rmer’s anti-British Labo*r government is, and how brilliant Tories like Liz Truss were.

👍+213

Tornado Watcher replied:
So wanting your country to fail makes you a “true English patriot”? Just like the newspapers you read, you constantly condemn and undermine anything that a democratically-elected Labour government tries to do, just because it isn’t Tory. You wrap yourself in the Union Jack while hoping and praying for the destruction of the UK, just so that you can score a few political points. That’s just so typical of you UK-hating, far-right apologists.

👎👎👎-657

Neil Barse replied:
Typical lies and whataboutery from a bitter and twisted leftist Labo*r loser. I think you far-left socialists must be mentally ill to constantly come out with the lies and whataboutery the way you do. You are obviously a bitter, lonely, insidious individual who's mental instability is getting worse by the day, due to the fact they fail to annoy anyone with their constant sea-lioning and self-contradictory posting. Crawl away and die, you tofu-eating, UK-hating, Guardian-reading pillock.

 👍👍👍👍+1024

SuperSmallDick wrote:
My local Tory councillor told me that all holiday camps are to be closed down and turned into luxury accommodation for the millions of illegal immigrants that cross the English Channel in small boats every week. Meanwhile, millions of English pensioners are freezing to death thanks to the removal of the WFP and thousands of farmers are living on the streets because they have been made homeless by Labour’s IHT changes. Four more years of Starmer’s communist dictatorship, then I can vote REFORM.

👍+25

Pseudocreem 2 wrote:
Comrades, dear Mr. Putin says for you to vote REFORM in next elections because all other political England parties will introduce anti-democratic police state dictatorships unlike truly free Russia as run by champion of democratic freedoms dear Mr. Putin and his Russian oligarch friends whose money is good for UK.

👍+18

 

Beer Lovers Travel To Every Weatherforks Pub In Midway On 6-mile Challenge…

It’s been a few days since we last ran an advertorial for our favourite Brexity brilliant pub chain Weatherforks - as its owner, Brexit hero and multi-millionaire Sir Martin Timms, has just reminded us. So when we heard about a bunch of old drunks pub-crawling, we though it would be an excellent opportunity to plug every single one of the eight brilliant Weatherforks boozers in Midway…

Weatherforks: The Golden Jackboot at Rainingham

When a group of binge-drinking right-wing pensioners got thrown out of the Golden Jackboot in Rainingham last Saturday morning for being too punchy, sweary and obnoxious even for a Weatherforks pub, then they decided to see what the other brilliant Weatherforks boozers in Midway had to offer.

After reading how a MORON reporter had got totally hammered in The Rees-Mogg’s Head in Stroochester, they made it their mission to pub-crawl across the Midway area, calling in every brilliant Weatherforks boozer on the way.

Friends Sean O’Braincell, Bob Nartsie, Nick Ennithing and Sid Dreadful were there every unsteady step of the way and were even joined by some other fellow clapped-out old fascist thugs as news of their quest spread.

Nazi geriatrics: chucked out...

Explaining how the challenge materialised, Sean said: “We wuz just getting’ pissed on Weatherforks cheap beer like we always do onna Saturday mornin’, when some woke leftie came in wiv’ a copy of the Guardian unner ‘is arm. Can you Adam an’ Eve it?”

“Now we believe in free speech an’ all that, but we can’t ‘ave woke leftie nonces in our pub,” Sean explained, “so we started to give ‘im a good kickin’, like,”

“Anyway, he turned aht to be a bit tasty cos’ he kicked Sid inna fork, nutted Bob and laid aht Nick while I ‘id unner the table.”

“So the manager came over to us and said, like, if you old gits can’t ‘andle a woke leftie, then git your sorry arses outta my pub!”

Ejected from the Golden Jackboot, the four brown-shirted neo-Nazi geriatrics decided to use their bus passes to get around Midway’s other Weatherforks venues.

“We knew all Weatherforks are close to bus stops, just to make them easy for old pensioners like us to get to,” explained Bob Nartsie.

“So we got onna bus and went down the road to the Stormtroopers Arms. But it turned out they’d been tipped off about us and wouldn’t let us in.”

It was the same story at The Enoch Powell, The Griffin, The Moseley's Salute, The Jenrick’s Bung and The Robinson's Return.

Weatherforks: The Rees-Mogg's Head in Stroochester...

“Not that we were that bothered,” said Nick. “All Weatherforks pubs are exactly the same anyway. Lots of cheap beer we can soak up with cheap food, lots of sticky carpets and lots of shouty, leery old pensioners just like us!”

Eventually, the four wound up at the Rees-Mogg’s Head in Stroochester.

“Fortunately, they let anyone in,” said Sid Dreadful. “So we all got pissed, started our usual fight, got a good kickin’ and got chucked out just before closin’ time, just like we always do.”

“Another brilliant Saturday, all thanks to brilliant Weatherforks boozers.”

“What other pub chain would put up with shouty, punchy old gits like us?” laughed Sid.

In the real world, another excuse to “swoon over ‘spoons” is gleefully embraced, with the regular trolls celebrating their spiritual home with the usual invective…

Comments:

Please note that we do not moderate comments. However, we may edit or delete them, or manipulate the voting on them in order to reflect our editorial policy. 

Chad Grunter wrote:
It is always amusing how some (usually self-entitled dribbling left-wing loons) start frothing at the mouth and looking down their snooty noses when ever somebody mentions Weatherforks. They are what they are, with no frills. They are not pretentious or do they pretend to be anything else than a cheap watering hole for all, including mainly old working-class fascists and those that are not inserted up their own behinds :-)

👍+78

Grey Mondeo Man replied:
The real reason that people with your political views pretend to like Weatherforks pubs is that the owner is a right-wing millionaire who was a huge supporter of your precious Brexit. I very much doubt if you or any other of your chums actually use them regularly, purely on the basis that you appear to know how to read and write.

👎-28

Chad Grunter replied:
Then don't visit them then, you shouty, simpering lefty. Nobody is forcing you go.

👍+112

Grey Mondeo Man replied:
I don’t “visit then”. So your point is? And I’m not shouting at anyone…

👎-87

Yu Rong replied:
Oooh get you and your tantrums

👍+56

Chad Grunter replied:
Will you just STOP SHOUTING YOU DRIVELLING LEFTIST LOON!!!

👍+109

Neil Barse repiled:
Interesting, Grey Mondeo Man. Why would patriots (as you claim) not visit a UK corporate chain such as Weatherforks in this instance? And what evidence do you have to support your supposition that they do not necessarily prefer local independent pubs please?

👍+114

Grey Mondeo Man replied:
Er, what? I didn’t say any of that.

👎-132

Yu Rong replied:
Oooh get you and your tantrums

👍+56

Neil Barse replied:
More lies, gaslighting and disinformation from Grey Mondeo Man. I think you leftists must be mentally ill to constantly come out with the lies and whataboutery the way you do. And what about Labo*r’s plans to force all pensioners to work in chain gangs to repair potholes in roads as a condition of getting their state pensions, eh? Eh? That’s a plan that I’m sure you vicious far-left haters would approve of. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, you are a blight on society and as such are unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you tofu-eating, Guardian-reading pillock.

👍👍👍+591

Super Small Dick wrote:
My local Tory councillor tells me that all pensioners are going to be forced to hug illegal immigrants in order to keep warm this winter. Meanwhile, millions of Albanian shoplifters are crossing the Channel in small boats every week get to be housed in luxury hotels at the taxpayer’s expense. What a shambles. Four more years of this turgid drivel. I look forward to voting REFORM.

👍👍+378

Pseudocreem 2 wrote:
Comrades, dear Mr. Putin says for you to vote REFORM in the next UK elections because all other UK parties are corrupt Nazi gangster dictatorships who imprison anyone who criticises them on social media and condemns millions of old people to death while rest of world watches with horror unlike true democracy of Russia as led by global champion of freedom dear Mr. Putin and his rich friends.

👍+18

Fantastic Weatherforks Pubs Are Offering 99p pints!!! What Do Other Midway Pubs Say To THAT?

Our Undercover Imbiber has been warned by his Lodge to keep out of trouble for a few weeks, or risk being expelled from the Freemasons after his latest spot of bother. Now he's dried out a bit, we thought it was safe to send him out on his own again. With a warning not to try and blag free drinks...

By Our Pub Reporter: 

January is always a quiet time for boozers. Some people are looking to recover from their festive season excesses. Others will have spent whatever disposable cash they have on the Christmas and New Year celebrations, and need to watch the pennies in the chilly new year.

Many boozers hope to do well enough over Christmas and the New Year so they can get through the remaining winter months.

The MORON's favourite boozer, the Rees-Mogg's Head...

But our favourite, the five-star-rated Sir Rees-Mogg’s Head, is looking to buck the doom and gloom trend for local boozers. As one of the boozers belonging to the mighty Weatherforks mega-chain owned by multi-millionaire and Brexit hero Sir Martin Timms, the newly-refurbished Sir Rees-Mogg’s Head is looking to pack the punters in with a fantastic offer of a 99p pint on selected brands - an almost impossible-to-match challenge for the vast majority of local Midway boozers.

Just down the road from the Rees-Mogg’s Head, we talk to Alf Standpipe, landlord of the oldest boozer in Midway, the Ordinary Fellow.  He remains somewhat philosophical on the challenges he - and all other boozers – face at the moment.

Alf Standpipe: pub landlord...

“Weatherforks have been doing 99p pints in January for a long time,” he explains, “ I’ve even had that Martin Timms in here, boasting and shouting at me about how he’s going to drive all the little pubs out of business now he’s free of EU anti-monopoly legislation, so why don’t I just sell up to him now. "

"I told him to bugger off. Typical rich Tory bastard...”

“But they do have the buying power of the biggest fictional pub chain company in the UK, owned by an imaginary man who's on the top 10 rich list and who’s bought more politicians than I’ve had hot dinners, so best of luck to the bugger is what I say.”

“I’m not even in the top 10 rich-list in my pub.”

Being stoic in the face of such aggressive competition is, it seems, all part of running a boozer.

Alf adds, “Timm’s cheap beer doesn't really bother me so much. We have a good core of regulars and we pick up a lot of people who don’t like the sad old alkies, coked-up psychos, elderly right-wing thugs and shouty old Tory pensioners you get in the Rees-Mogg all the time, fighting, shouting and swearing.”

“Our carpets and tables aren’t sticky and we have the character and the friendly staff which Weatherforks doesn't have. We are still an old traditional pub, which a lot of people still love.”

Alf does admit that Weatherforks has hit his food market though.

“Their food is cheap and quick,” he explains. “Since the Weatherforks came along, it’s hit us over 30% on food. But then Moseley’s has been doing the same sort of thing for a while as well.”

And it is food where so many pubs hope to make the essential extra money to cover hikes in utilities and beer prices.

Sir Martin Timms: "Typical rich Tory..."

“Unlike Weatherforks, our food is mostly fresh, not frozen and we cook it properly. We don’t do ping and ding. But a lot of people do want quick and cheap. We’re not in that market, but around here we’re a bit of a niche, selling properly cooked, fresh food. A lot of folks prefer quick, even if they can afford better.”

What bothers Alf the most is not competition from Weatherforks, but his spiralling overheads.

“Most fellow landlords I know are extremely worried they may have seen their last Christmas, given the combination of hiking the amount employers will have to pay in national insurance, increases to the minimum wage and the business rates discount being slashed from 75% to 40% in 2025.”

“I voted Labo*r, but rather than putting income tax up, it seems St*rmer is still running scared of the bloody Daily Mail. So he’s trying to raise money by hitting businesses instead. They’re not all run by rich Tories, though.”

“The Budget is really going to hit pubs in April. It’s the worst I've ever known for both retail and hospitality. It's not encouraging anyone to grow their business or employ young people. It's a very difficult Budget. They really need to rethink it.”

Stock image of pub bar...

“I’m fed up with government policy being shaped by fear of what the right-wing papers might say. I thought we’d done with all that. Whatever Labo*r does they’ll scream bloody blue murder about anyway, and they have. St*rmer just needs to grow a pair.”

And the budget affects Alf’s suppliers as well.

“Some breweries are already thinking of putting their beers up 30-40p a pint,” he explains, “and that’s a massive increase.”

“I have my other overheads, so if I get a 40p increase I've also got all the other costs going up too, so I have to put the price up even more to swallow it.

“The whole situation is going to lead to fewer jobs and less investment into pubs like ours. And that's a very sad thing because we need to make sure that as a pub, we’ll be here this time next year and the year after and the year after that.”

Then of course there’s so many of us opting to go alcohol-free during January - and frequent reminders to us all to reduce our intake all year round.

Stock image of pints of beer...

“I ain’t so fussed about that,” says Alf. “Lots of people do ‘Dry January’ and they do other non-boozy things during the rest to the year as well.”

“Pubs aren't just about alcohol, they're more about socialising. They're about getting together and meeting with friends and colleagues. That’s another plus we have over Weatherforks. The cheap booze means most people just go there to binge-drink, fight and throw up.”

“That’s good for me, cos’ it means all the alkies, the young druggies and the old shouty fascists go to the ‘Forks rather than make a nuisance of themselves in my pub. Decent folk know they’ll be OK in here.”

“And, to be honest, the new alcohol-free products mean people are quite happy coming out now and drinking non-alcoholic drinks to have that social experience.”

“The zero-alcohol stuff is getting really good now. I’ve got regular Guinness drinkers drinking Guinness Zero these days, saying that they can’t taste the difference.”

“So maybe things will get better,” says Alf. “We’ll see…”

In the real world, a click-bait “swoon over ‘Spoons’ ” advertorial for their favourite pub chain (a regular occurrence) provides a headline for what otherwise is an unusually thoughtful piece on the problems facing the UK pub trade. Still, it served its purpose and got the trolls out defending their favourite Brexity pub mega-chain…

Comments:
Please note that we do not moderate comments. However, we may edit or delete them, or manipulate the voting on them in order to reflect our editorial policy.

Grey Mondeo Man wrote:
Is it just me or does the MORON over-use the horrible slang term “boozer”? Why not just call them “pubs”?

👎-4

Yu Rong replied:
Ooooh get you and your tantrums.

👍+78

Neil Barse replied:
A typically stupid comment from a typically stupid remoaning socialist La**or-supporting woke snowflake that is GreyMondeoMan. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, he is a blight on society and as such is unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you tofu-eating, Guardian-reading pillock.

👍👍+231

Phil TheMentallyIll wrote:
Over 100,000 English pubs have shut down since Labo*r’s reign of economic chaos began. The removal of the universal Winter Fuel Payment, the imposition of inheritance tax on farmland, NI rises and Keir St*rmer’s freebie spectacles are all directly responsible for mass pub closures, earthquakes, extreme weather and the return of bubonic plague to the UK. All those who voted Labo*r at the last election should hang their heads in shame.

👍+132

Auntie Nartsie replied:
So true, Phil. Everyone I know hates this Labo*r government. St*rmer out! General election NOW!

👍👍+546

Gonads replied:
Do you ever talk to anyone outside of your fascist knitting circle?

👍+5

Auntie Nartsie replied:
Of course not. I might meet some young people then and that would be awful. If I had my way, anyone under the age of 21 would be given a sound thrashing once a week. That’ll teach them for going around being young!

👍+78

Victor Laudanum wrote:
Weatherforks bulk-buys short-dated beer from breweries at bargain basement prices. It’s stuff they would otherwise be pouring down the drains in a week or two. You’re welcome to pay 99p a pint for it. I’d rather pay five quid and get a decent pint that won’t give me the squits later on.

👎-45

Chad Grindr replied:
Oh, the old “short-dated beer” chestnut, doubtless put out by some UK-business-hating lefty to try and drag down the Weatherforks chain and its far-sighted entrepreneurial owner whom the green-eyed remoaners hate so much. I know you woke bed-wetters don’t like facts, but here’s the proof that shows up your socialist lies for what they are:
https://www.proactiveinvestors.co.uk/companies/news/1049385/does-spoons-buy-nearly-out-of-date-beer-1049385.html

👍+142

Victor Laudanum replied:
Thanks for the link, Chad. I was expecting to maybe see some details of invoices and quality certs, but instead your “proof” just consists of the pub chain owner simply asserting that he doesn’t buy short-dated beer.
So that’s all right then.
I mean, we all know Brexiters always tell the truth, don’t we?

👎-31

Neil Barse replied:
Typical lies and whataboutery from a bitter and twisted leftist Labo*r loser. I think you far-left socialists must be mentally ill to constantly come out with the lies and whataboutery the way you do. And what about Labo*r’s plans to tax all Weatherforks pubs out of existence to punish the owner for not being a woke, bed-wetting leftie, eh? Eh? That’s a plan that I’m sure you woke, hate-filled far-left St*rmer worshippers would approve of.

👍👍👍👍+1024

Victor Laudanum replied:
So I ask for a better standard of proof than “because I said so” and I get a tirade of demented abuse? Par for the course on here, I suppose. And as for the “Labo*r plans” you refer to, I presume you are able to provide some evidence of these. I’m sure they’d be headline news, after all. Or do they only exist in your head?

👎-78

Neil Barse replied:
Your constant sealioning is a typical tactic of a hard-left, bitter and twisted leftist Labo*r loser. You are provided with facts and you choose to ignore them because they demonstrate to the world that your opinions are those of a hate-filled, ultra-far-left socialist bed-wetter. In making ever more strident demands for information, you merely show your mental illness by constantly coming out with lies and whataboutery.

👍👍+425

Victor Laudanum replied:
Once again, you confuse unsubstantiated assertions for facts. But I’ll leave it at that. I can see you are getting angry.

👎-45

Chad Grindr replied:
Talking of unsupported assertions, Victor, what is the source of your assertion that “Weatherforks bulk-buys short-dated beer”?

👍+89

Victor Laudanum replied:
Oh, some bloke I heard talking down the pub.
That should be good enough for you, shouldn’t it?
Of course, the real reason ‘Forks can sell cheap beer is their buying power and sales volumes. But I’d thought I’d pull you and your rightie chums’ chains.
And it worked!

👍+23

Neil Barse replied:
Chad – this is why you should not waste your effort trying to engage leftist idiots like VL in rational debate. They deserve only insults, random distraction issues, whataboutery and gaslighting. This involves no rational thought whatsoever, which should not be wasted on demented leftists who disagree with us. This will ensure that wishy-washy, woke snowflakes will be driven away, meaning that WE WIN all of the time.

👍+2

SuperSmallDick wrote:
My local Tory councillor told me that all pubs are going to be shut down so that they can be turned into accommodation for the millions of illegal immigrants that arrive in the UK every week. Meanwhile, millions of English pensioners are freezing to death thanks to the removal of the WFP and thousands of farmers are living on the streets because they have been made homeless by Labo*r’s IHT changes. Four more years of St*rmer’s communist dictatorship, then I can vote REFORM.

👍+25

Pseudocreem 2 wrote:
Comrades, dear Mr. Putin says for you to vote REFORM in next elections because all other political England parties will introduce anti-democratic police state dictatorships unlike truly free Russia as run by champion of democratic freedoms dear Mr. Putin and his Russian oligarch friends whose money is good for UK.

👍+18

 

Midway’s Biggest Weatherforks Pub Set To Re-open After £7.5k Refurb

Midway’s largest Weatherforks pub is set to get even grottier as bosses prepare for its grand reopening after splashing £7,500 out on a revamp.

We Love the 'Forrrrrrrrrrrks'....

The Rees-Mogg’s Head in Stroochester will welcome back customers on Saturday after being shut for almost two weeks as part of a quick once-over following six years of neglect.

The MORON was shown around the pub this afternoon as the finishing touches were being made.

It’s hard to believe that this brilliant boozer (as rated by our veteran reviewer) could be made any better, but they’ve spent no expense in trying to do so.

Brexit hero and 'forks chain owner, Sir Martin Timms

Weatherforks chain owner and Brexit-backing hero Sir Martin Timm said: “We’ve been forced to spend a bit of money on this pub as we’ve neglected it since we took the COVID bail-out money and then sacked everyone during the lock-down.”

“We’re hoping to get lots more free advertorials in the MORON so we can get our usual old fascist pensioners back in here, drinking, shouting and swearing at each other and spending their pensions and allowances.”

“We’ve obviously tried to spend as little as possible on the tart-up, as that eats into our margins and we don’t want to endanger our company director’s bonuses.”

“But the carpets and tables were losing their trademark stickiness, so we had to do something.”

“It made sense to do it once we got into more of a low season in November so we'd be open again for Christmas when our old working-class fascist pensioners and the local yobbos like to spend their money getting rat-arsed on our cheap, on-the-turn beer, wines and spirits.”

“We’re looking forward to having our regulars back and getting their money.”

The walls and ceilings of the bar area have been repainted with a fresh layer of old nicotine staining, which will offer customers the old Victorian experience they expect from the Rees-Mogg’s Head.

Testing a Weatherforks carpet...

Traditionally ultra-sticky urine-scented carpets from the US firm of LaBrea carpets have been re-fitted while old tables have been replaced and replaced with tackier ones.

The disinfectant cubes in the men’s urinals have been replaced, but the original Victorian fittings have been left unchanged.

The algae growing on the exterior of the building has been watered with a fertiliser to make it more green, slimy and neglected-looking, as befits a pub that revels in its archaic appearance.

Staff were in good spirits as they were forced to work unpaid overtime on the last-minute preparations such as restocking the kitchens and bars.

Many had been told to find jobs at nearby supermarkets while the pub was shut, as is the usual employment policy of ‘Forks pubs.

FO Weatherforks PLC opened inside the Grade-II listed building in 2017. It was originally built as an abattoir, but later became a nightclub and then a casino.

 

In the real world, they’ve managed to squeeze a few advertorials for their favourite Brexity pub chain in between the REFORM plugs…

 

Comments:

Please note that we do not moderate comments. However, we may edit or delete them, or manipulate the voting on them in order to reflect our editorial policy. 

Chad Grunter wrote:
It is always amusing how some (usually self-entitled dribbling left-wing loons) start frothing at the mouth and looking down their snooty noses when ever somebody mentions Weatherforks. They are what they are, with no frills. They are not pretentious or do they pretend to be anything else than a cheap watering hole for all, including mainly old working-class fascists and those that are not inserted up their own behinds :-)

👍+78

Grey Mondeo Man replied:
I suppose disagreeing with you and your kind makes me a “self-entitled dribbling left-wing loon”, but I simply prefer a traditional local not owned by a corporate chain, and where I can get to know the staff and landlord. Weatherforks, IMO, is just bland and the staff are robotic. I guess that's what some people like though, so fair enough.

👎-28

Chad Grunter replied:
Then don't visit then, you shouty, simpering lefty. Nobody is forcing you go.

👍👍+112

Grey Mondeo Man replied:
I don’t “visit then”. So your point is? And I’m not shouting at anyone…

👎-87

Yu Rong replied:
Oooh get you and your tantrums

👍+56

Chad Grunter replied:
Will you just STOP SHOUTING YOU DRIVELLING LEFTIST LOON!!!

👍👍+109

Neil Barse repiled:
Interesting, Grey Mondeo Man. Why would patriots (as you claim) not visit a UK corporate chain such as Weatherforks in this instance? And what evidence do you have to support your supposition that they do not necessarily prefer local independent pubs please?

👍👍+114

Grey Mondeo Man replied:
Er, what? I didn’t say any of that.

👎👎-132

Yu Rong replied:
Oooh get you and your tantrums

👎+56

Neil Barse replied:
More lies, gaslighting and disinformation from Grey Mondeo Man. I think you leftists must be mentally ill to constantly come out with the lies and whataboutery the way you do. And what about Labo*r’s plans to force all pensioners to work in chain gangs to repair potholes in roads as a condition of getting their state pensions, eh? Eh? That’s a plan that I’m sure you vicious far-left haters would approve of. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, you are a blight on society and as such are unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you tofu-eating, Guardian-reading pillock.

👍👍👍+591

Super Small Dick wrote:
My local Tory councillor tells me that all pensioners are going to be forced to hug illegal immigrants in order to keep warm this winter. Meanwhile, millions of Albanian shoplifters are crossing the Channel in small boats every week get to be housed in luxury hotels at the taxpayer’s expense. What a shambles. Four more years of this turgid drivel. I look forward to voting REFORM.

👍👍+378

Pseudocreem 2 wrote:
Comrades, dear Mr. Putin says for you to vote REFORM in the next UK elections because all other UK parties are corrupt Nazi gangster dictatorships who imprison anyone who criticises them on social media and condemns millions of old people to death while rest of world watches with horror unlike true democracy of Russia as led by global champion of freedom dear Mr. Putin and his rich friends.

👍+18

 

Labo*r Budget Forces Weatherforks Pub Chain to Raise Prices and Cut Staff

Sir Martin Timms, Weatherforks pub chain owner - "fuming"...

Sir Martin Timms, owner of the Weatherforks chain of Brexit-themed pubs (such as Stroochester's Rees-Mogg's Head) today condemned the recent rises in the minimum wage and employer’s national insurance contributions announced by evil Labo*r Chancellor Rachel Re”ves in October’s budget.

“I didn’t pour millions into the Vote Leave campaign to get us out of the EU and its worker protection legislation, just so that a Labo*r government could then force us to pay a decent wage to our pub workers,” fumed Sir Timms.

“The government will be demanding that we let our bar and restaurant staff keep their tips next. It’s totally outrageous and typical of this crazed leftist Labo*r administration.”

Stroochester's Weatherforks - The Rees Mogg's Head

Weatherforks made a profit of £70m in 2024 to date, up from £62m last year. “So you can see that hospitality mega-chains like mine are really struggling,” said Sir Timms.

“Of course, there’s no way that my Board of Directors and I will be taking a pay cut, or not paying ourselves our usual multi-million-pound bonuses this year. And our shareholders will also be expecting their usual inflated dividends – not to mention the cost of our donations to the REFORM and Tory parties.”

“So to pay for Labo*r’s anti-business tax rises and woke, leftist staff pay increases whilst keeping ourselves and our rich chums in the style to which we have all become accustomed, we’ll be making staff redundant and expecting the remaining ones to work harder. Just like we always do when someone tries to put the squeeze on us.”

“We’ll also be jacking up prices and lowering the quality of our food and drink, as we usually do whenever our margins look threatened.”

“And now we have a Labo*r government, we and our chums in the tame right-wing press can just blame any price rises and redundancies on K*ir St*rmer and his henchmen, rather than our own greed!” gloated Sir Timms.

Sean O' Braincell: Typical Weatherfork's regular...

We spoke to his regular customers at Stroochester’s Weatherfork boozer, the Rees Mogg’s Head, and asked them what they thought of Sir Timm’s comments and the likely effect of the Labo*r budget on pub prices.

“Isss typicall faaaakin’ Labo*r, innit? Faaackin’ waaankers,” said one, a Mr. Sean O’Braincell.

“Faaaackin’ communists hate all faaackin’ bisnis, don’ they?  An’ wot abaht those illegal immigrants, eh?!!! Comin’ over ‘ere in their boats!!! Wos Two Tier Kier ‘an ‘is lefty bum chums doin’ abaht that then, eh?”

“Nuffink, ‘cept forcin’ up the price of my pint to pay for it all. Faaackin’ waaankers….”

Comments:

Please note that we do not moderate comments. However, we may edit or delete them, or manipulate the voting on them in order to reflect our editorial policy. 

Chad Grindr wrote:
So no surprise, the communist Labo*r party have now targeted the most vulnerable in our society i.e. multi-millionaire business owners. Those people who voted this shower of leftist loons into power should hang their heads in shame. It's the classic example of take from the hard working and successful and give to the feckless and lazy. Disgusting!

👍+302 

Super Small Dick wrote:
One of the private schools near me has written to all local sports clubs that hire their sports halls informing them that all sports halls are to be turned into hostels for asylum seekers. Well done Labo*r. What a shambles. Four more years of this leftist, gimmigrant-loving drivel.

👍+168 

Tornado Chaser replied:
As usual, multi-millionaire Tory donors gripe about anything a Labour government does. I thought it was a pretty good budget for starters. Hopefully Re*ves will do a bit more in future to recover the trillions that mega-rich parasites have sucked out of this country during the past 15 years of Tory (this comment has been edited because our readers may otherwise be offended by it - Ed).

👎👎👎-489

Neil Barse replied:
Ah, the return of the bitter, leftist loser that is TC. At last Tornado Chaser confesses the truth about themselves before slinking away to stew in his own UK-hating demented leftist bile. A bitter lonely insidious individual who's mental instability is getting worse by the day, due to the fact they fail to annoy anyone with their constant sea-lioning and self-contradictory posting. Completely expected every time Tornado Chaser posts on here. As usual, I win the argument by my relentlessly logical and calm, reasoned, factual responses, unlike the hate-filled rants of far-leftist Guardian-reading pillocks like TC.

👍👍👍👍+1092 

Kent’s Greatest Prick Ever wrote:
Removing subsidies from feckless, work-shy pensioners was a good start, a move worthy of the Conservatives at their very best. Unfortunately, Labo*r has now reverted to its true socialist nature, inflicting massive tax hikes on those people who are the engine of the UK’s economy, i.e. billionaire overseas investment trust owners and absentee UK land barons. I, for one, will be leaving the socialist hell that this country has become as soon as I can, just like I have threatened to do in the past but never have.

👍+63

Gonads replied:
Good. Don’t let the door hit you on the a*se on the way out.

👎-1 

Daily Mail Bob wrote:
two tier kier st*rmer has put this policy in place after telling the tories years ago if they scrapped the WFA that thousands of pensioners would die he opposed it back then now he's got into goverment his own parties research suggests as many as 4000 pensioners will die this winter due to the WFA being taken away he presses on ahead with it then rachel r*eves puts in expenses for her heating for her 2nd home not even her 1st home and claims heating allowance you couldnt make this up but thank god the daily mail can to save 1.3 billion killing our parents, our grandparents whom have paid into the system all their lives and what do we do sent 11 odd billion to Africa for climate change, give already well paid train drivers and junior doctors costing 9 billion well thats 20 billion quid there thats not even mention heating all the illegal migrants in the hotels or the cost of housing all the prisoners, some violent and dangerous, upon their release and they have the gall to say the tories have created a 22 billion black hole and blame killing pensioners on the previous government the tories were useless, yes and ran their race but this is beyond a joke the tories werent and arent fit to run a bath let a know govern but this lot only 10-11 wks in are doing more damage and sticking two fingers up to working class middle class in fact the vast majority of the British public more than the last government did in 14 pathetic years thanks for not voting Tories and basically giving Labour a chance by default f*** you british public regards Kier I will destroy this country up yours says St*rmer

👍+123 

Gonads replied:
What a load of (this comment has been edited for brevity – Ed)

👎-98 

Pseudocreem 2 wrote:
Comrades, dear Mr. Putin says for you to vote REFORM in the next elections because all parties are corrupt unlike Russian oligarch money which is good for UK, which will be good news for all Russian internet trolls and dear Mr. Putin.

👍+18