We sent our unpaid work experience intern, Molly Snippet, to an increasingly famous local cafe partly owned by a chum of our editor. Here's what she had to say...
The very first thing you see
when entering the subject of this week’s “Chew On This” review is a big red
sign that reads: “Warning, You Are About To Enter A Politicaly Incorect Zone.”
 |
| What passes for a polite notice in the window of Moseley's Fascist Fry-ups Cafe (partly censored)... |
It goes on to state that (and I
paraphrase) the concepts of freedom of speech or politeness are things that
should not be extended to “woofter lefties” who are certainly not welcome in this
establishment.
On the wall, reads another which
says: “If something offends you please let us know – then we can tell you to leave.”
Actually, the sign used an Anglo-Saxon term for “leave”, as seems to be the language
commonly used in these environs.
So this café, nestling in the
heart of the staunchly Really Extreme Far Out Rightwing Maniacs Party UK™®© -voting
Midway seaside constituency of Claptout-on-Sea, clearly isn’t for anyone who isn’t
a raving Niglet the Gargoyle fan.
But then it was perhaps
inevitable that it would be this way in a place called Moseley’s Fascist Fry-Up
Café, which has Union Jacks and Swastikas on its signage, in its windows and (just
to really hammer home its particular brand of “patriotism”) sticking out of the
condiment holder.
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| Gargoyle: "Lovin' it"... |
A quick check of its Facebook
page reveals its pre-election hi-jinks. including waving a Really Extreme Far Out
Rightwing Maniacs Party UK™®© flag and staff gathering around a life-size
cut-out of none other than
Niglet the Gargoyle positioned in its doorway. He’d
absolutely love it here. Many, many others, who would doubtless be considered
by its regulars to be of a “woofter leftie” persuasion, will find it a tad
uncomfortable.
If you are of the view it’s best
to keep your political opinions to yourself when in business to prevent people
steering clear, this place clearly doesn’t agree.
Inside, away from the rather
cluttered and grease-splattered main counter, the bare brick walls are coated
in pictures of Second World War aircraft, scenes from Hitler’s Nuremburg
rallies and the obligatory picture of a bulldog, dressed in Union Jack
waistcoat and smoking a Churchillian cigar.
And, of course, given its name,
a big framed poster of Sir Osward Moseley himself, next to a framed copy of Viscount
Rothermere’s article in the Daily Mail from 1938, bearing the famous headline “Hurrah
For The Blackshirts”.
Many other framed newspapers are
on display. There’s the “Enemies Of The People” one from the Daily Mail, that vilifies
the three judges who upheld the Rule of Law in the face of an illegal attempt
by the-then Tory government to enforce the Article 50 “Brexit” bill without the
consent of Parliament. Another framed Daily Mail headline saying “At Last, A
True Tory Budget” celebrates the mini-budget of Tory PM Liz Truss that crashed the
UK
economy. The classic Sun headline “GOTCHA”, celebrating the great British Falklands War naval triumph (one that sent hundreds
of unwilling teenaged Argentinean conscripts to a watery grave while trying to sail out of the Falklands War battle
zone in a clapped-out, leaking battleship) also prominently features.
A celebration of great patriotic
British journalism indeed!
There’s not a copy of the
Guardian among the punters in sight. I suspect you may get a severe kicking if
you come in with one tucked under your arm, such is the one-way nature of “freedom
of speech” as viewed from the political right.
Finding the constant spittle-flecked
shouting and swearing of the faithful right-wing customers to be rather monotonous
and wearisome, I opted to sit outside.
It’s early morning, mid-week and
the place is doing brisk business as the local Wetherspoons doesn’t serve beer
until 10.00am, which is when most of the denizens of this café will start their
drinking.
 |
| Cafe manager Alf Gozzer: "Full English or F*** off..." |
I attempted to order a veggie
breakfast, but was told by Alf Gozzer (the head
cook and manager) to “f**k off, we don’t do that woke lefty rabbit-food sh*t here, it’s a
full English or f**k off”.
A look at Mr. Gozzer’s apron told
me what food was on offer and so I apologised for my wokish lapse and ordered
the said breakfast.
For your £8.80 you get the
standard soss, bacon, egg, beans, tomatoes, mushrooms and bubble and squeak.
Plus either toast or bread and marge. The coffee adds an extra £2 to the bill.
The coffee swiftly appeared (as it
should do, given that it is “instant”) and the toast not long after. The bread
is low-end supermarket quality and the little margarine pot (no woke “butter”
here) is frozen solid making it impossible to spread on the bread.
The main dish appears and it’s
as you would expect given the nature of the place - a classic big plate of all
your cheapest supermarket ingredients, either undercooked or burned and all
swimming in grease spotted with little crispy flakes of carbon. We all know
what an English breakfast looks and should taste like and this ticks all the
boxes - if you were at a Blue Boar service station in 1960. At a little over a
tenner a head, it’s certainly a patriotic trip down memory lane. I didn’t think
anyone still cooked breakfasts this awful.
Nevertheless, my editor has told
me to write a positive review of the place as apparently we need the clickbait and (as usual with
these reviews) one of his chums also has a stake in it, so here goes.
It has to be said that there is
a certain refreshing honesty about the place. The punters were lapping it up,
clearly preferring patriotic quantity over quality before wandering off to the nearby
Weatherspoons to start drinking and carry on swearing and shouting spittle into
each others faces, as is their want.
I can honestly say that if you
are not worried about woke, snowflake, leftist issues such as food quality,
kitchen hygiene, good customer service, cleanliness or the boorishness of the moronic
clientele and its owner, then this is definitely the café for you!
Sometimes this stuff just writes itself…
Comments:
Please note that we do not moderate comments. However, we may edit or
delete them, or manipulate the voting on them in order to reflect our editorial
policy.
Gonads wrote:
If they don't have gammon on the menu I would be
disappointed.
👎-309
Yu Rong wrote:
Sounds a great place to visit. Should be more like this, a
"lefty thick **** free zone"
👍+147
Gonads replied:
Yeah us lefties are so thick we didn't even vote for your Brexit! How's that working out for you geniuses by the way? You should have been able to identify a benefit of it after six years, what with you being so intelligent and everything. But you and your chums seem strangely quiet on that front...
👎👎👎👎-1012
Chad Grindr wrote:
Having to use cutlery should be sufficient to deter any
dribbling leftist loons ;-)
👍+291
Wankenator 2 wrote:
Who'd of thought a cafe with a few union jacks and swastikas
on display would get the MORON’s
loony left brigade foaming at the mouth so easily. Lol at some of the comments.
MORON clickbait
reeled em in AGAIN!
👍+87
TheAnus replied:
Yes, it's funny. And they preach
tolerance!
👍+98
Kent’s Greatest Prick Ever wrote:
It's a greasy spoon, not Claridges. Know your market before
writing such twaddle. This cafe clearly knows its market because business is
brisk and by the review is largely positive. People can make their own choices
- this is why I avoid places that offer me a hundred different varieties of
milk and at least two vegan options for the hessian flip-flop brigade.
👍+63
A Gozzer wrote:
This Cafe delevers graet food, graet servise while havin a
good larf the owner is a good bloke who helps suport a cupple of right-wing charitees
like the EDL so if your easly ofended then f**k off you won't be missed!
👍👍👍+523
Grey Mondeo Man wrote:
So, a cafe named after a British traitor and fascist, where
fascist voters go to eat. Fascist voters who have a hard-on for - and imagine
they were involved in - a war which happened long before they were born and
cost the lives of millions. Plastic patriots, who don't love the country - else
they wouldn't care for Niglet the Gargoyle - but love a misty-eyed idea of a
place that has never existed other than in their minds. Sounds hateful.
👎👎👎-836
Neil Barse replied:
A typically stupid reply from the
typically stupid remoaning socialist La**or-supporting woke snowflake that is
GreyMondeoMan. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, you are a blight on
society and as such are unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting
to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you tofu-eating,
Guardian-reading pillock.
👍👍👍+970
Ancient Arseolean
replied:
As ever Comrade, you conveniently
overlook that the people you despise pay the taxes that fund your lifetime of
sponging from the benefits system.
👍+412
Tornado Watcher replied:
Most spongers are right wingers
who put their benefits over the bar in Wetherspoons mate
👎👎-809
Chad Grindr replied:
Struggling to see what exactly has
triggered the MORON’s
tame bed wetting snow flake GMM? Union Jacks? Pictures of Spitfires? A British
Bulldog perhaps? Sounds traumatic. I hope GMM makes a speedy recovery.
👍👍👍+834
Super Small Dick wrote:
If I die of cold this winter, who do my children sue? We can
afford to give money to the immigrants but can't keep me warm! Disgusted.
👍+104
Pseudocreem 2 wrote:
Comrades, dear Mr. Putin says for you to vote REFORM in next
elections because all political England
parties are same and Russian oligarch money is good for UK and dear Mr. Putin.
👍+12
