The Undercover Intellectual Asks: Has Modern Technology Redefined Road Safety...?

Today, our Undercover Intellectual asks if the technological marvels of today's modern cars have made the current laws regarding road safety obsolete...

A proper rich person's car...

Today’s modern cars are technological marvels. I drive an Audi, a model that is the epitome of comfort, safety, speed and technology.

It is capable of over 200 mph and is equipped with every conceivable driving aid and safety device known to man. It cost me an absolute packet but if you want quality these days, you have to pay for it. And that goes for the tax as well, what with it being a little heavy on the old juice, as it were.

In terms of its safety and quality, it is far superior to the more plebeian vehicles driven by the working classes who have the temerity to clutter up the King's Highway with their older, cheaper cars.

So I really do fail to understand why things like speed limits and driver sobriety criteria should apply to people like me, the well-off people who have invested a lot of money in buying (and taxing!) a car that by design is inherently far safer than most other cars on the road.

Typical working-class person's car

I mean, we’ve all seen that Audi advert, haven’t we?  Compared to us superior Audi-driving types, everyone else on the road really are just clowns, aren’t they?

Personally, I think it is a sad indictment of how far our ridiculous “health and safety” brigade have been allowed to erode our freedom to the point where "the powers that be" can consider me unfit to drive my ultra-safe Audi, just because I have spent the afternoon drinking my way through eight pints of Starmer's Fresh Start (at 5.8%, a beer that blows away the cobwebs, I can tell you!) for Sunday lunch.

It all just smacks of a leftist, woke nanny state that is in thrall to the hi-viz mafia and our venal, grasping compensation culture. We need to take back control of our roads from the ULEZ-loving, politically-correct, brain-dead wombles who police our roads these days.

Why don’t they just leave the luxury car drivers alone and go hassle the rust-bucket jockeys instead? What do we pay our gas-guzzler road taxes for, after all?


Comments:

Please note that we do not moderate comments. However, we may edit or delete them, or manipulate the voting on them in order to reflect our editorial policy.

Gonads wrote:
There is an inherent flaw in the safety features of all Audis. It’s the nut behind the wheel! And is this article anything to do with this, I wonder?

👎-8

Chad Grindr replied:
Another leftie driven by the politics of envy. Stick to your woke electric skateboard and stay out of the way of us sensible people.

👍+189

Grey Mondeo Man wrote:
This seems to be an essay suggesting that the law shouldn’t apply to rich sociopaths. Doesn’t sound like a democratic proposition to me.

👎-265

Kent’s Greatest Prick Ever replied:
You silly little boy. Of course the law shouldn’t apply to rich people, any more than the idea of paying taxes should. That’s what “privilege” means after all – private law! Fortunately, the new Labour government has had the common sense not to change the status quo in this regard.

👍+63

Mrs U.I. wrote:
Har har tha’ fire rescue bloke didn’ ‘alf bleed wen i bit ‘im yor my bes’ mate you are i luv you hic

👍+34

The Undercover Intellectual Says "Vote For No-one..."

As the election draws nearer, perhaps the apathetic stay-at-homes or those who draw weird stuff on their ballot papers have a point, says our columnist…

I was recently speaking to a brave soul who had attended the count in a Midway constituency at the previous general election. It seems that back then, not a few people were childish enough to spoil their ballot paper by drawing a “cock and balls” on it, instead of the usual ‘X’.

To make an effort to go all the way to a polling station just to draw crude graffiti on your ballot paper seems to be a rather stupid waste of everyone’s time. No matter how bad our current crop of politicians, we in the UK are very lucky that we can vote at all. Given the rise of dictatorships and authoritarian governments across the globe, spoiling your ballot paper is the geopolitical equivalent of throwing away good food in front of starving people.

That said, I think things are very different in 2024 to what they were in 2019. Back then, we had the prospect of a proper Brexity, Tory government, with that great statesman Boris Johnson at the helm. However, a sly coalition of wet, leftie civil servants and Tory Remainers successfully undermined that decent, truthful, hard-working and honest man and since then, the Tory party and the country as a whole has gone into a bit of a decline.

Everyone likes cats, don't they...?

Incredibly, it seems that despite the best efforts of the UK’s fine and upstanding newspapers (such as the Times, the Daily Mail, the Daily Telegraph and the Daily Express) in telling us all that thanks to the Tories, our economy is booming, our public services and infrastructure (such as our roads and water and sewage systems) have never been in better shape, NHS waiting lists and the cost of living are at an all-time low and that Brexit has been a huge success, the UK’s population of dismally uneducated dullards now believe that a Labo*r government might somehow be a good thing!

To be fair, the Tories have done their best to make sure this doesn’t happen. They’ve changed constituency boundaries to try and favour their voting strongholds and also introduced voter ID requirements on the back of completely non-existent claims of electoral fraud, just to make it harder for young people to vote.

Unfortunately, all of this blatant Tory gerrymandering isn’t working. Incredibly rich and powerful people such as the owners of most of the UK’s media outlets, as well as ordinary run-of-the-mill multi-millionaires such as myself, are now getting really concerned that we might have to actually start paying our fair share of tax in the UK.

That really wouldn’t do at all!

So if we can’t get undecided people to vote Tory on July 4^th, the best we might be able to do is at least dissuade them voting for anyone else. It seems to me that these days, the thought of a Labo*r administration with that woke, socialist snowflake Ke*r St*rmer as PM is now a perfectly good reason not to vote, or to spoil your ballot paper.

That’s why my friends and I are fully encouraging the lie that “all politicians are the same”, or that “there’s no difference between Labour and the Tories” and that “it isn’t worth voting because there’s no-one worth voting for”. It’s a tactic that worked for Brexit, after all.

So if you aren’t voting Tory on July 4^th, just stay at home.

Or even better, just draw a big “cock and balls” on your ballot paper!

After all, you really wouldn’t want a Labo*r government undoing 14 years of glorious Brexity, Tory austerity, would you?

Or rich people paying tax!?

That way, madness lies…

Comments: 

Please note that we do not moderate comments. However, we may edit or delete them, or manipulate the voting on them in order to reflect our editorial policy.

Chad Grunter wrote:
Sound advice and a timely article. In our woke, leftie democracy, having a mental incapacity no longer disbars anyone from voting and this allows socialists to vote for dangerous snowflakes like K*ir St*rmer and his leftist loons. Fortunately, the intelligence of the average Guardian-reading tofu muncher is so low that they can easily be dissuaded from voting, as Brexit proved.

👍+157

Grey Mondeo Man replied:
Surely a definition of “having a mental incapacity” would be doing something again and again which is proven to fail – such as voting Tory. Tories offer the country nothing but the same old lies and insults.

👎-367

David Simile the Second replied:
A typically stupid reply from a typically stupid remoaning socialist La**or-supporting woke snowflake. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, you are a blight on society and as such are unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you tofu-eating, Guardian-reading pillock.

👍+234

Grey Mondeo Man replied:
Quod erat demonstrandum, baby…

👎-353

David Simile the Second replied:
A typically stupid reply from a typically stupid remoaning socialist La**or-supporting woke snowflake and written in French as well, anti-British UK-hater than you are. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, you are a blight on society and as such are unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you tofu-eating, Guardian-reading pillock.

👍+234

Kent’s Greatest Prick Ever wrote:
A vote for anyone other than a Conservative candidate is a vote for the madness of punitive taxation of those who generate the country’s wealth, that is, off-shore hedge-fund managers and directors and CEOs of overseas investment conglomerates. They make the money after all, so why shouldn’t they take it away to their own countries? Ke*r St*rmer and his band of leftist loons are preaching the politics of envy, envy of their betters such as I.
I do not use public services, so why should I have to subsidise them?

👍+63

Boring Welsh Tory wrote:
The Senedd in Wales is elected through proportional representation (PR). This is, of course, completely irrelevant to North Kent but that doesn’t stop me posting it because it makes me look smarter than everyone else on here, which my Mum tells me I am.
It does mean neither the Tories or Labour have ever won an outright majority in Wales.
Due to Labour failing in Wales they intend to change the election system to 'closed list'. This is where you can only vote for a party and then the HQ of that party then decides who to appoint, just like in Russia. I read this on my favourite right-wing conspiracy website so it must be true. Labour are only a front for Bill Gates and his Illuminati alien lizard people. A vote for St*armer is a vote for iguanas from outer space who will invade your brain and make you part of a mind conglomerate.

👍+1

Yu Rong wrote:
I think the Tories are absolutely wonderful. The true benefits of Brexit are now obvious to all and anyone can see that we now are living in the promised sunlit uplands. The cost of living is at a record low, industrial productivity is at all all-time high, NHS waiting lists are non-existent and our rivers and seas are sparkling clean due to the hundreds of billions of investment made by those generous overseas investment banks and everyone is well-off, or at least everyone I know. God help us if K**r Starm*r and his bunch of leftist Lab**r loons get elected. No-one believes the doom and gloom ultra far-left propaganda put on here by the likes of GreyMondeoMan, who obviously doesn’t live in the real world as reported in those shining beacons of truth, the Daily Express, the Daily Mail and GBNews.

👍+734

Pseudocreem 2 wrote:
Comrades, do not vote in the next elections because all political parties are the same. If no-one vote your Tories will boss, which good news for all big Russian money in UK and dear Mr. Putin

👍+45

NotaToryBot wrote:
I am not going to vote at the next election because all parties are the same but we really hate Lab**r and we hope that if we keep pushing the “all parties are as bad as each other” line then the Tories will win by default.

👍+109

PutinFanBoy wrote:
I have always voted but if a general election came up in the next few months I would spoil my paper because I don’t think any of them are fit to lead us we have the tories lead by a man who has suspect tax affairs he should never have been made a leader but then none of the others would have been viable now he wants to make homelessness a criminal offence yet the cost of living crisis is putting more and more on the streets no way that will ever get my vote l**our? No – with St**mer having his strings pulled by Co*byn and R*yner and her dodgy house buying Lib. Dem – slightly better but even tho Davey might not have been responsible for the Post Office scandal he should have made it his business to be fully aware of what was happening reform – No – Farage and his lies about 350 million for our NHS and some of their candidates extreme views on race and ethnicity would never agree with my own beliefs Britain is in such a mess now, maybe we should let a strongman like Putin take charge as democracy has failed in the uk.

👍+23

Neil Barse replied:
A very insightful comment and completely correct.

👍+13

Yu Rong replied:
I think you are wonderful, Neil Barse. Can I have your babies?💓💓💓

👍+2

Neil Barse replied:
I think you are wonderful too, Yu Rong. Meet me tonight at the Young Conservatives. I’ll be the tall one with the toothbrush moustache, jackboots, brown shirt and swastika armband (the others wear the same costume of course, but I’m much taller than they are).💓💓💓

👍+1

You Rong replied:
Ooooh I love a man who cosplays. You sound just like Boris.💓💓💓😘😘😘

👍+1

‘It Taught Me Not To Trust The Met Office…’ - Undercover Intellectual

Our Undercover Intellectual acknowledges that the Northern Lights over Midway may have looked spectacular - but not if you trusted the Met Office guidance…

It seems that last Friday evening, there was a spectacular display of that rare atmospheric phenomenon, the Aurora Borealis, which apparently was visible even through the murky air of Midway.

However, as I had been indulging in (quite) a few pints of Hunt’s Old Cherrypicker (supposedly a strong ale but in truth, rather watery yet always palatable to the faithful) at the Lodge, I was completely dead to the world by midnight.

This, of course, is all the fault of the Met Office. This hive of politically-correct wokery is (as all right-thinking people know) a mine of socialist misinformation, run as it is by highly-qualified atmospheric scientists, meteorological experts and other assorted lazy left-wing academics of the sort so correctly despised by that great Conservative intellectual, Michael Gove.

But when a family member flagged up the potential of a bit of Northern Lights action in the skies last Friday night, I went to the apparently-trusted weather people. With all their high-tech gadgetry they’d be able to give me a pretty clear answer, I assumed.

Stock picture of Aurora Borealis

I was wrong.

There was, as a tweet from the esteemed meteorologists told me, “a good chance of seeing the Aurora across the northern half of the UK, and perhaps further south with long exposure photography”.

So I got happily drunk on Friday, safe in the knowledge that without the necessary camera gear and only reliant on a “perhaps” I would not be missing anything.

Yet when I finally awoke on Saturday afternoon, I was assailed by photographic images in the newspapers and social media, full of vibrant swathes of colour from the previous night’s Aurora Borealis.

So entirely thanks to the Met Office’s inability to control (or even accurately predict, for Heaven’s sake!) the interaction of the Earth’s complex magnetic field with the storm of charged particles from completely random and unpredictable random solar flares, I was too inebriated to witness this once-in-a-lifetime event.  Mr. Gove was so right when he said that “we are tired of experts”, especially ones as useless as those employed by the Met Office.

Why does our government continue to fund these utterly ineffectual leftie buffoons?

These champions of “diversity” have long been pushing their woke agenda – they are quick enough to allow “rainbows” to parade their LGBTXYZ nonsense across our English skies, for instance!

Yet they fail to provide an accurate forecasting service for completely variable and complex events such as the weather or, indeed, the Aurora Borealis. It’s pathetic and inexcusable.

Time to shut down the Met Office and pass the savings on as tax breaks to rich people like myself!

Opinion: Our Undercover Intellectual Meets A Road Rage Driver

This week, the Undercover Intellectual recounts his first-hand experience of "Road Rage" - and how to deal with it!

During my time at Eton I got into various little contretemps and of course, the odd brawl whilst playing rugger.

Being a gentleman, I have always tried to avoid confrontation whenever I can. Even in my early drinking days in the Bullington Club, I’d be the one slipping out the side door rather than reaching for a barstool.

Given my advanced years, I had thought such rumbustiousness would be a thing of the past but alas, while making my weary way home after undertaking some heavy investigative journalism, I found myself at the centre of exactly the sort of sad situation I thought I had long since left behind.

Negotiating a junction off of the busy M234 in the same way I have done hundreds of times in the past, I drove across the marked lanes and selected the correct one for my exit. However, it seems that this simple manoeuvre prompted a “white van driver” behind me to become somewhat restive.

Stock photo of stereotypical White Van Man

This impatient half-wit, no doubt fuelled by a mixture of cocaine and steroids, began to flash his headlights, sound his horn and make a variety of interesting and amusing hand gestures, which may or may not have been some sort of “gang-sign” of the type I understand is so much favoured by drug-dealers and other undesirables of such ilk.

This “gentleman” was becoming quite agitated, so Mrs. U.I. suggested that we further investigate his behaviour in an attempt to improve the importunate chap’s education and understanding.

What desperate failure in his life or inadequacy in his upbringing led him to such a display of obvious road rage I have no idea, so in a spirit of inquiry, Mrs. U.I. and I decided to find out.

That morning, I had been pheasant shooting at a friend’s estate and my antique shotgun was tucked away in the boot of my trusty Audi. Unwilling to leave such a valuable item in my vehicle unattended, I retrieved it and took it with me as Mrs. U.I and myself disembarked to ask what mental crisis our friend in the white van behind us was enduring.

Strangely the Neanderthal, wearing the usual uniform of close-cropped hair, manicured stubble and the inevitable grey, tight-fitting grey tracksuit complete with hood, refused to communicate with us, instead clicking the button to lock all of his van doors and feverishly stabbing at his mobile telephone.

Mrs. U.I. attempted to initiate a dialogue by banging on his windscreen and mimicking the display of “gang-sign” that this driver had shown us earlier, but to no avail.  By now, the traffic was beginning to build up and within minutes, a large number of traffic police arrived in a fleet of noisy vehicles complete with blaring sirens and flashing lights, along with a police helicopter and several black-clad officers of the law bearing some quite impressive weaponry.

Needless to say, the situation was soon resolved to the satisfaction of all. I explaining that any spare seconds were needed to decide whether to engage fight or flight mode, secretly realising I should have perhaps chosen the latter and simply noted his number plate with the aim of reporting his aggressive behaviour to the authorities. I’m not a fighter and, but all things considered, I still feel I took the right decision, not least because this ne’er-do-well had all the look of someone involved in organised crime.

Such people need to be taught a lesson and I think that Mrs. U.I. and myself perhaps gave this chap pause for thought and maybe even put him on the path to become a more worthwhile and polite member of society.

One would hope that he would at least think twice before becoming so visibly angry with the obviously wealthy driver of an expensive car in future!

Comments:

Please note that we do not moderate comments. However, we may edit or delete them, or manipulate the voting on them in order to reflect our editorial policy.

Kent’s Greatest Prick Ever wrote:

It is good to see a member of the better-off classes taking a stand against the yobbish behaviour of their inferiors. It would be a mark of a woke, snowflake socialist state if members of the ruling elite were not allowed to put the working-class peasantry in their place, with shotguns if necessary. We are so very fortunate that our present government supports this status quo.

👍+63

Grey Mondeo Man wrote:

I am wondering if this article is related to an earlier event this week? If so, it rather proves that the Undercover Imbecile is, in fact, a one-man (plus one woman!) crime wave who operates in a totally consequence-free environment. 

👎👎👎-979

Kent’s Greatest Prick Ever replied:

Of course he does, you silly boy. The sooner you grow up and learn that “privilege” means exactly that, the happier your betters will be.

👎+63

Striking workers should get back to work, says Undercover Intellectual

This week, our Undercover Intellectual gives us his balanced and fair view of workers who take industrial action...

Ultra-militant 1970s throwbacks, otherwise known as English “workers”, have been making the lives of the management of local tech company Bastardia miserable for more than 3 months now.

Yes, since December 2023, these avaricious lefty loonies have been holding their bosses to ransom and crippling their factory on a regular basis.

Despite this, every time I see a news item featuring this on-going debacle, at least one or two befuddled members of the public still say that they support the action these leftist idiots are taking.

Now I know they’ve dredged up a number of quibbles and perceived affronts to their sensibilities over this extended period of manufactured mayhem but the main issue has always been contracts of employment.  So how can anyone still be sympathetic to these greedy, blatant money-grubbers?

Workshy socialist scum

They have already turned down having their current employment contracts terminated, and refuse to be put on zero hours contracts at far lower hourly rates. At least they've still got jobs, so why are they whining?  Any sympathy I had for them evaporated an awful long time ago.

Well, I’ve got news for you lily-livered luddites. The rest of us have been on zero-hours contracts for at least 10 years, so you’re long since overdue to get with the times.

And, just when you thought you’d heard it all, they go and find another reason to be disgruntled. This time I’m told they’re up in arms about ‘modern technology’ and are refusing to consider the idea of being replaced by AI-powered robots. Personally I wouldn’t be surprised to hear they want to return to using an abacus!

Could you imagine workers in India or China refusing to be only paid when they are working, or not helping management to replace them with robots? Or wanting job security. Or pensions? Or sick leave? Or safe, hospitable work places?

It’s all “me, me, me”. Never a thought for company shareholders or chief executives.

No wonder the UK isn’t competitive any more!

One of these factory workers lives locally to me. Each time I see him, he seems remarkably upbeat. I can only assume this is for one of two reasons – either the level of his current salary means he can afford to strike for so many days, or the coffers of his union are so large, they can bankroll seemingly endless industrial action.

The thought that he might actually believe in the idea of solidarity with his co-workers, or that his cause is a just one, is completely ridiculous of course!

Whatever the case, when I asked how much longer the action would continue, he confessed he had absolutely no idea - though he did smile and say he’d be hard-pressed to find a job elsewhere.

So, please don’t show these leftie, lazy workshy socialists any more sympathy.

Comments:

Please note that we do not moderate comments. However, we may edit or delete them, or manipulate the voting on them in order to reflect our editorial policy.

Chad Grunter wrote:

Striking workers are merely economic terrorists, and should be arrested and treated as such.

👍+457

Grey Mondeo Man replied:

But then they wouldn’t be able to work, would they? Good to see you’re thinking things through as well as you usually do, Chad!

👎-145

David Simile the Second replied:

A typically stupid reply from a typically stupid remoaning socialist La**or-supporting woke snowflake. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, you are a blight on society and as such are unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you tofu-eating, Guardian-reading pillock.

👍+234

Pseudocreem 2 wrote:

Comrades, do not vote in the next elections because all political parties are same. If no-one vote your Tories will boss, which good news for all Russian money in UK and dear Mr. Putin. 

👍+25

DailyMailBob wrote:

The only people to blame are the Union leaders aka the Communist Party workers under the guise of helping their colleagues holding the companies to ransom and the country and the government because they don't like a conservative government I hope all of you who think you will vote Lab**r take note because we won't have a country bankrupt nothing will move nothing will work and everyone will be offered benefits to stay at home and your car will be taken by starmeggedon and the borders along the south coast will be wide open and the Union leaders will be there helping people come into the country illegally with their placards and their flat caps shame on useless unions shame on lab**r voters and before you all start screaming and shouting like lefties do I gave up voting for any politician because they are all corrupt every party every politician every MP corrupted to the core they don't deserve anyone's vote least of all paying subs for Union leaders to go on five star hotel holidays I know all this is true because I read the Daily Mail every day.

👍+378

Chad Grunter replied:

Very well put!

👍+45

The Undercover Intellectual On... Road Safety

Today, our Undercover Intellectual takes a break from the thirsty business of reviewing Midway’s public houses and instead offers us his thoughts on British Road safety today...

A proper rich person's car...

Today’s modern cars are technological marvels. I drive an Audi, a model that is the epitome of comfort, safety, speed and technology.

It is capable of 160 mph and is equipped with every conceivable driving aid and safety device known to man. It cost me an absolute packet but if you want quality these days, you have to pay for it. And that goes for the tax as well, what with it being a little heavy on the old juice, as it were.

In terms of its safety and quality, it is far superior to the more plebeian vehicles driven by the working classes who have the temerity to clutter up the King's Highway with their older, cheaper cars.

So I really do fail to understand why things like speed limits and driver sobriety criteria should apply to people like me, the well-off people who have invested a lot of money in buying (and taxing!) a car that by design is inherently far safer than most other cars on the road.

Typical working-class person's car

I mean, we’ve all seen that Audi advert, haven’t we?  Compared to us superior Audi-driving types, everyone else on the road really are just clowns, aren’t they?

Personally, I think it is a sad indictment of how far our ridiculous “health and safety” brigade have been allowed to erode our freedom to the point where "the powers that be" can consider me unfit to drive my ultra-safe Audi, just because I have spent the night drinking my way through 10 pints of Johnson’s Senior Wifebeater (at 5.6%, a beer that packs a real punch, I can tell you!) at a Masonic journalism party.

It all just smacks of a leftist, woke nanny state that is in thrall to the hi-viz mafia and our venal, grasping compensation culture. We need to take back control of our roads from the ULEZ-loving, politically-correct, brain-dead wombles who police our roads these days.

Why don’t they just leave the luxury car drivers alone and go hassle the rust-bucket jockeys instead? What do we pay our gas-guzzler road taxes for, after all?


Comments:

Please note that we do not moderate comments. However, we may edit or delete them, or manipulate the voting on them in order to reflect our editorial policy.

Gonads wrote:

There is an inherent flaw in the safety features of all Audis. It’s the nut behind the wheel! And is this article anything to do with this, I wonder?

👎-8

Chad Grunter replied:

Another leftie driven by the politics of envy. Stick to your woke electric skateboard and stay out of the way of us sensible people.

👍+189

Grey Mondeo Man wrote:

This seems to be an essay suggesting that the law shouldn’t apply to rich sociopaths. Doesn’t sound like a democratic proposition to me.

👎-265

Kent’s Greatest Prick Ever replied: 

You silly little boy. Of course the law shouldn’t apply to rich people, any more than the idea of paying taxes should. That’s what “privilege” means after all – private law! I’m only too pleased that these days, we have a proper Tory government that isn’t scared to acknowledge this universal truth.

👍+614

David Simile the Second replied: 

As usual, a typically stupid reply from the typically stupid remoaning socialist La**or-supporting woke snowflake that is Grey Mondeo Man. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, you are a blight on society and as such are unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Stick to your Mondeo you St*rmer-loving bumboy!

👍+435

Mrs U.I. wrote:

Har har tha’ copper didn’ ‘alf bleed wen i bit ‘im yor my bes’ mate you are i luv you hic

👍+34