Pitch Mayhem As Chattingham Routed By Dukla Farmingham

Stock photo of blokes playing football

Dukla Farmingham 10       :     Chattingham FC 0

Acrobat (o.g. 3, o.g. 41, o.g. 78),                            Sent Off: Tagliatelli, Linguini (79) 
Gnats (5), Todger (34),
Crump (42, 43, 65), Sprunt (71, 80)

The sporting pride of Midway, Chattingham FC, remain rooted to the bottom of the North Kent Relegation League after an ten-goal thrashing by rampant promotion hopefuls Dukla Farmingham.

Manager Doug Outt, 59, remained tight-lipped in the face of this latest set-back, which leaves him still winless since he came to the club at the start of the season last year. 

“We started well, fought hard and were very competitive throughout the match,” said an ashen-faced Chattingham manager Doug Outt, “but letting in ten goals undermined what was otherwise a very encouraging performance.”

Chattingham’s in-form Congolonian striker Adobe Acrobat promptly opened the scoring with a superb volley that left his own keeper stranded, thereby adding another own-goal to his impressive tally of 19 this season.

Chats manager Doug Outte (59): Ashen-faced

“The lad’s in great form and shows excellent touch in front of goal,” said ashen-faced manager Doug Outt. “If only it was the opposition’s goal. Communication is the lad’s only problem, what with no-one in the club speaking Congolonian…”

Farmingham striker Jim Gnats nipped in with an opportunistic strike whilst Chattingham’s defender were busy giving their errant striker a good kicking after his first own goal, with defender Bob Todger adding a third to Farmingham’s tally from a throw-in.

Further goals from Farmingham’s mid-fielder Tommy Crump extended his side’s lead with two short-range tap-ins made whilst Chattingham defenders were busy pummelling a hapless Acrobat after his second own goal of the match, a well-struck back pass that blind-sided his own goalie just before half-time.

Nursing a first-half deficit of six goals, Chattingham came out with a defensive intent, adopting an eight-one-one formation and hoofing the ball up the field to lone striker Acrobat whenever they could, in the hope of keeping him away from their own goal. 

Despite a congested goalmouth, the home side’s Tommy Crump completed his hat-trick with a weak shot that nevertheless gently rolled into the goal between the legs of Chattingham’s hapless Swedish keeper, Olaf Smegs.

Ziggy Sprunt added a seventh for the home team, before Chattingham’s Acrobat completed his own-goal hat trick late in the second half with a perfectly timed run around three of his own defenders before calmly stroking the ball into the back of his own net.

Chats crowd (Sid and Elsie Dreadful)

Mayhem then erupted, with the visiting fans (Sid and Elsie Dreadful) running to the pitch with a length of rope in an attempt to lynch their own hapless striker Adobe Acrobat. They were promptly joined by the rest of the Chattingham squad and only the intervention of referee Dickie Quaver prevented the importunate Congolian from being strung up from his team’s own crossbar.

During the uproar, Chattingham’s Italian mid-fielders Diego Tagliatelli and Julio Linguini were both red-carded. On the re-start, Farmingham’s Ziggy Sprunt cheekily added his second and his side’s tenth goal whilst Chattingham, now reduced to nine men, were still chasing their hapless striker Adobe Acrobat around the pitch.

“I thought we lost a bit of discipline after we conceded our ninth goal”, admitted rueful Chattingham manager Doug Outte (59) after the game, “but I was nevertheless impressed with the running and pace of our midfield. The young lad Acrobat was lucky to get away from them after his third own goal…”

“Still, at least we got something from the game,” added a grim-faced Doug Outte (59). “Our Slovomanian defender Slobodon Miovakoat sneaked off of the subs’ bench after half-time, went through home’s side changing room and cloned a few of their player’s bank cards. That’ll pay the wages this week…”


Comments:

Please note that we do not moderate comments. However, we may edit or delete them, or manipulate the voting on them in order to reflect our editorial policy.

Judge Dreadful wrote:

Gutted. Sick as a parrot. We were all over them, except for the ten goals we conceded. Never mind, next week will be different. Post-match kebab was the highlight of the day. C’mon lads, up the Chats! COYC!!

👍+1

Dullman wrote:

Outte Out!

👎-1  

Chattingham Demolished By Eight-Goal Trumpton FC

Stock photo of blokes playing football

Chattingham  1  :  Trumpton FC  8

                                                                          Haadluk (1)  :     Acrobat (o.g. 15), Pugh. M (17), Pugh R (23), Barney (28), 
                                                                                          McGrew (48), Cathburt (59), Dibble (68), Grubb (83)

The footballing pride of Midway, Chattingham, remain rooted to the bottom of the North Kent Relegation League after an eight-goal defeat against rivals Trumpton FC.

Manager Doug Outt, 59, remained tight-lipped in the face of this latest set-back, which leaves him still winless since he came to the club ten months ago. 

Chattingham's Doug Outte: tight-lipped

“We started well, fought hard and were very competitive throughout the match,” said an ashen-faced Chattingham manager Doug Outt, “but letting in eight goals undermined what was otherwise a very encouraging performance.”

Chattingham were boosted by the return of on-loan robotic Norwegian striker, Erik Haadluk, who had been out for two weeks following software problems. In the first minute of the game, the giant six-foot nine blond killer cyborg raced the length of the pitch to score Chattingham’s first goal of the season, to the delight of the home crowd (Sid and Elsie Dreadful).

Unfortunately, Haadluk’s targeting software crashed again and he promptly began running around in tiny circles, burbling “base error 606” before grinding to a halt and being fork-lifted from the pitch.

Chattingham’s in-form Congolonian striker Adobe Acrobat promptly cancelled out his team’s advantage in the fifteenth minute with a superb volley that left his own keeper stranded, thereby adding another to his impressive tally of 18 own goals this season.

Three further first-half goals for Trumpton from Pugh, Pugh and Barney then set the tone of the game, with second-half goals from McGrew, Cathbert, Dibble and Grubb completing the rout and condemning Chattingham to their forty-first straight defeat.

“Still, at least we got something from the game,” said grim-faced Chattingham manager Doug Outte (59). “Our Slovomanian defender Slobodon Miovakoat managed to hot-wire the opposition’s antique fire engine and sell it to an eastern European collector, so that’ll pay the wages this week…”


Comments:

Please note that we do not moderate comments. However, we may edit or delete them, or manipulate the voting on them in order to reflect our editorial policy.

Judge Dreadful wrote:

Gutted. Sick as a parrot. We were all over them, except for the eight goals we conceded. Never mind, next week will be different. Post-match kebab was the highlight of the day. C’mon lads, up the Chats! COYC!!

+1

Dullman wrote:

Outte Out!

-1

 

Boat Race Interrupted By Anti-Immigrant Protest

The River Midway

Midway’s traditional Easter Monday boat race between Stroochester Grammar school and Chattingham Academy was declared a draw as in the end, neither team were able to propel their boats through the solid crust of raw sewage that has formed on the River Midway.  

“We had to give up and carry the boats over the top of dried-out and compacted mass of turds that was once the River Midway,” said the Stroochester cox Rupert Posshe-Buoye.

“Row, row, row your boat, gently through the pee, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, look, there’s Stevie B…”

At one point, the event was interrupted by an anti-immigration protest.

“We’re gonna Stop Der Boats, just like Rishi wants to,” said a StopDerBoats campaign spokesman, “and we’re not gonna let any leftist, woke Lab**rite tell us that these boats are different.”

“We believe in freedom of speech in this country, including the freedom to make ourselves look like thick, racist dick-heads if we want to. And talking of freedom of speech, don’t you go calling our far-right group a far-right group, or we’ll sue you…”

Others suggested that the race being abandoned due to the pollution in the river was a national disgrace and have held the privatised water companies responsible. Thames Water reacted strongly to this criticism, however.

“We are working as hard as we can to ensure that a steady stream of clean money is reaching our shareholders and executives,” said a Thames Water spokesman today.  “We have even borrowed £18 billion so far, to ensure that dividends flow to our shareholders.”

“We can’t allow lesser priorities, like investing in adequate waste treatment facilities to keep our rivers clean or stopping our pipes leaking, to get in the way of keeping our overseas investors happy.”

“So if you want clean rivers and clean drinking water, you mug punter customers are going to have to pay up, because there’s no way we’re cutting share dividends or executive bonuses.”

“And anyway, even if we could build all the treatment works we need, we couldn’t bloody run them because bloody Brexit means we can’t import the water treatment chemicals we need, not that we’re allowed to tell you that but we’re fed up with getting slagged off for yet another Tory f*ck up…”

Kylie Trollhouse: Tory turds

Stroochester Kylie Trollhouse also waded in on the debate.  “So yes, the Tories did vote in Parliament to allow water companies to fill our rivers with turds, but that’s all the fault of Midway’s Lab**r council, of course. And as for blaming Brexit, everyone knows Brexit has been a huge success, even though I campaigned against it.”

“We know Brexit is brilliant because our wonderful Secretary of State for Business and Trade Kemi Badenoch has told us so and she would never lie, would she? Anyone who says that Brexit is a disaster is just another member of the London metropolitan elite, whatever that means.”

“Vote Tory for more turds in your rivers… 

Chattingham Slump To Defeat Against Cobblesdown

Stock photo of blokes playing football

Cobblesdown United  8        Chattingham  0 

Midway’s flagship football club Chattingham remain rooted to the bottom of the North Kent Relegation League after an eight-goal defeat against rivals Cobblesdown United.

Ashen-faced Chattingham manager Doug Outte (59) remained tight-lipped in the face of this latest set-back, which leaves him still winless since he was appointed manager ten months ago.

Doug Outte (59) - tight-lipped in defeat

“I went into this game full of confidence,” said a pensive-looking Outte (59) “but then the opposition turned up. It was all downhill from there…”

“I feel badly let down by the VAR system,” added a stony-faced Outte (59). “Our three own-goals were clearly offside and should have been disallowed”.

Chattingham’s Congolonian striker, Adobe Acrobat, has taken his tally to an impressive 21 own-goals so far this season.

“The lad’s on fire,” said a grim-looking Outte (59). “It’s a shame people keep putting him out.” 

“I have full confidence in Doug Outte and believe the club is heading in the right direction,” said Club chairman and owner, millionaire American property developer Hank Methane.

Club owner Hank Methane

“Forty straight defeats shows a degree of consistency that should soon allow me to wind the club up, bulldoze the stadium and get my ol’ buddy Mike Coynte to slap up three hundred low-quality high-priced houses, er, shucks, I meant, to provide the investment needed for development of the playing squad...” 

“The team clearly needs a new quarterback, a tight end, a wide receiver and a running back. Then we can get down to the business of playing football how it should be played,” said Methane. 

Doug Outte (59) remained optimistic that his forty-game losing streak would soon come to an end. “I know the scoreline looks bad,” said a defiant Outte, “but at least we got something out of the game.” 

“Our Slovomanian defender Slobodon Miovakoat managed to strip out the copper pipe and fittings from the opposition’s changing room, so that should help with the wages bill this week…”

Comments: 

Please note that we do not moderate comments. However, we may edit or delete them, or manipulate the voting on them in order to reflect our editorial policy. 

Judge Dreadful wrote: 

Gutted. Sick as a parrot. We were all over them, except for the eight goals we conceded. Never mind, next week will be different. Post-match kebab was the highlight of the day. C’mon lads, up the Chats! COYC!!

👍+1

Dullman wrote:

Outte Out!

👎-1

Dynamo Frindsbury Hit Seven As Chattingham Crash To Defeat

Stock photo of blokes playing football

Chattingham 0  :  Dynamo Frindsbury 7 

Chattingham remain rooted to the bottom of the North Kent Relegation League after a seven-goal defeat against high-flying local rivals Dynamo Frindsbury.

Manager Doug Outte (59) remained tight-lipped in the face of this latest set-back, which leaves him still winless since he came to the club ten months ago. 

“We fought hard and were very competitive throughout the match,” said an ashen-faced Outte (59), “but letting in seven goals undermined what was otherwise a very encouraging performance.”

Chattingham striker Erik Haadluk

Chattingham’s new on-loan Norwegian striker, Erik Haadluk, wasted no time in finding the net on his debut. The giant six-foot nine blond cyborg is currently on a short-term “beta-test” trial from the same factory that produced the Premier League Manchester City’s goal machine with a similar model name.

However, four minutes into the game, Haadluk’s targeting software crashed and he promptly lashed the ball into his own net before running around in tiny circles, burbling “base error 606”. Eventually Haadluk ground to a halt and collapsed, with Chattingham’s coach unable to fix the problem despite plugging his laptop into the stricken striker and running a diagnostic check. 

Chattingham manager Doug Outte (59)

Haadluk was fork-lifted off of the pitch, but the game continued in much the same vein for Chattingham as Congolian striker Adobe Acrobat promptly added two more to his impressive total of 17 own goals this season just before half time. 

Four further second-half goals from Dynamo Frindsbury condemned Chattingham to a 39^th straight defeat. 

“Still, at least we got something from this game,” said grim-faced Chattingham manager Doug Outte (59). “Our Slovomanian defender Slobodon Miovakoat managed to nick a few mobile phones and bank cards from the opposition’s changing room, so that should help with the wages bill this week…”

Comments: 

Please note that we do not moderate comments. However, we may edit or delete them, or manipulate the voting on them in order to reflect our editorial policy. 

Judge Dreadful wrote: 

Gutted. Sick as a parrot. We were all over them, except for the seven goals we conceded. Never mind, next week will be different. Post-match kebab was the highlight of the day. C’mon lads, up the Chats! COYC!!

👍+1

Dullman wrote:

Outte Out!

👎-1

  

Chattingham Boss Praises Effort But Team Problems Remain

Stock photo of blokes playing football

Athletico Teynham 6: Chattingham 0

Midway's top team Chattingham remain rooted to the bottom of the North Kent Relegation League after a six-goal defeat against fellow strugglers Athletico Teynham.

Manager Doug Outt, 59, remained tight-lipped in the face of this latest set-back, which leaves him still winless since he was appointed as manager nine months ago.

“The squad clearly has a communication problem,” he said. “This might be down to the fact that they all speak different languages, none of them being English.”

With a mid-week defeat against Dynamo Boreham Village to get over, Chattingham started brightly when after just five minutes of play, Congolonian striker Adobe Acrobat lashed the ball into the net. Two minutes later, he followed up with a superb turn and volley that left the ‘keeper helpless.

Unfortunately, on both occasions the net he found was his own team’s, with the striker maintaining his record of scoring at least one own goal in every game this season so far.

Chattingham Manager Doug Outt (59)

“The lad’s in impressive form in front of goal at the moment,” said ashen-faced manager Outt. “If only he could reproduce that form in front of the opposition’s goal…”

In the second half, Chattingham became more threatening, but despite threatening the referee, the linesman and several crowd members, they conceded four more goals before leaving the Athletico Teynham ground empty-handed.

“Well, not quite empty-handed,” said a grim-faced Outt. “Our Slovomanian defender Slobodon Miovakoat managed to nick the lead off the roof of the opposition’s changing room, so that should help with the wages bill this week.

Comments: 

Please note that we do not moderate comments. However, we may edit or delete them, or manipulate the voting on them in order to reflect our editorial policy. 

Judge Dreadful wrote: 

Gutted. Sick as a parrot. We were all over them, except for the six goals we conceded. Never mind, next week will be different. Post-match kebab was the highlight of the day. C’mon lads, up the Chats! COYC!!

👍+1

Dullman wrote:

Outt Out! 

👎-1