‘It Taught Me Not To Trust The Met Office…’ - Undercover Intellectual

Our Undercover Intellectual acknowledges that the Northern Lights over Midway may have looked spectacular - but not if you trusted the Met Office guidance…

It seems that last Friday evening, there was a spectacular display of that rare atmospheric phenomenon, the Aurora Borealis, which apparently was visible even through the murky air of Midway.

However, as I had been indulging in (quite) a few pints of Hunt’s Old Cherrypicker (supposedly a strong ale but in truth, rather watery yet always palatable to the faithful) at the Lodge, I was completely dead to the world by midnight.

This, of course, is all the fault of the Met Office. This hive of politically-correct wokery is (as all right-thinking people know) a mine of socialist misinformation, run as it is by highly-qualified atmospheric scientists, meteorological experts and other assorted lazy left-wing academics of the sort so correctly despised by that great Conservative intellectual, Michael Gove.

But when a family member flagged up the potential of a bit of Northern Lights action in the skies last Friday night, I went to the apparently-trusted weather people. With all their high-tech gadgetry they’d be able to give me a pretty clear answer, I assumed.

Stock picture of Aurora Borealis

I was wrong.

There was, as a tweet from the esteemed meteorologists told me, “a good chance of seeing the Aurora across the northern half of the UK, and perhaps further south with long exposure photography”.

So I got happily drunk on Friday, safe in the knowledge that without the necessary camera gear and only reliant on a “perhaps” I would not be missing anything.

Yet when I finally awoke on Saturday afternoon, I was assailed by photographic images in the newspapers and social media, full of vibrant swathes of colour from the previous night’s Aurora Borealis.

So entirely thanks to the Met Office’s inability to control (or even accurately predict, for Heaven’s sake!) the interaction of the Earth’s complex magnetic field with the storm of charged particles from completely random and unpredictable random solar flares, I was too inebriated to witness this once-in-a-lifetime event.  Mr. Gove was so right when he said that “we are tired of experts”, especially ones as useless as those employed by the Met Office.

Why does our government continue to fund these utterly ineffectual leftie buffoons?

These champions of “diversity” have long been pushing their woke agenda – they are quick enough to allow “rainbows” to parade their LGBTXYZ nonsense across our English skies, for instance!

Yet they fail to provide an accurate forecasting service for completely variable and complex events such as the weather or, indeed, the Aurora Borealis. It’s pathetic and inexcusable.

Time to shut down the Met Office and pass the savings on as tax breaks to rich people like myself!

Stroochester Labo*r MP Kylie Trollhouse Defects to Conservatives

Kylie Trollhouse MP - defect

Midway’s newest Labo*r MP has defected back to the Conservative Party just moments after she defected to the Labo*r Party - leaving local Tories and Labo*r party members alike laughing up their sleeves.

Kylie Trollhouse, who represents Stroochester And Bits Of Chattingham That Got Carved Up To Stop Lab**r Winning, crossed the floor again in the House of Commons today.

She says “many things have changed” since she defected to Labour twelve hours ago.

“Basically, the Labo*r front bench said I was too useless and too right-wing, even for K*ir St*rmer,” huffed Ms. Trollhouse. “Bastards. So it’s back to the Tor ies for now...”

Political forecasting website Electoral Calculus gives the Conservatives just an 8% chance of winning the Midway Stroochester seat.

In a statement, a Labo*r spokesman said: “OK, I know we’ve just accepted Natalie Elphicke, but we do actually have standards. Kylie Trollhouse? No way…”

It had been thought that Ms. Trollhouse would defect to Niglet the Gargoyle’s Really Extreme Far-Out Rightwing Maniacs^©™ UK PLC Party instead.

Niglet the Gargoyle - owner

“We would welcome Kylie with open arms,” said Mr. Gargoyle. “We greatly admire the way she has blindly voted for every piece of cruel, stupid and pointless piece of performative legislation her party has come up with over the past few years..."

"Cutting benefits for disabled people, demonising immigrants and the European Union, clamping down on freedom of speech, breaking the UK’s commitments to international treaties, unfunded tax cuts that benefit only the well-off, running down public services and infrastructure – Kylie has voted for them all...”

“And my Really Extreme Far-Out Rightwing Maniacs^©™ UK PLC Party is planning to bring in far more mental right-wing head-banger legislation than that,” the gargoyle continued. “We’re planning to make being a foreigner, being poor or sick, or voting for anyone but the Really Extreme Far-Out Rightwing Maniacs^©™ UK PLC Party illegal. We think Ms. Trollhouse’s voting record in Parliament makes her a natural fit with these sorts of policies…”

Ms. Trollhouse denied any plans to join the Really Extreme Far-Out Rightwing Maniacs^©™ UK PLC Party, however. “Even I have a conscience,” she said. “Somewhere, deep down…”

Meanwhile, a Tory party spokesman welcomed Ms. Trollhouse ‘s return to the Tory back benches.

“We’re so desperate we’ll accept anyone,” he said. “The more morally corrupt and blatantly self-serving, the better...”

St. Trixie - "out of here"

The MORON asked Ms. Trollhouse’s fellow Midway Tory MPs for their opinion of the latest developments.

“I couldn’t care less,” said St. Trixie of Squatt, MP for Chattingham.

“I’m out of here and doing very nicely, thank you.," She said. "I couldn’t give a monkey’s about a bunch of Tory weasels fighting in a sack.”

Baghman Shifti MP

We tried speaking to Baghman Shifti, MP for Rainingham, but we were told his office hasn’t seen him for the last eighteen months.

“He’s currently on an all-expenses-paid fact-finding mission to Saudi Arabia,” they replied. 

“As usual…”

The MORON’s political correspondent, Pauline Popkins, gives this analysis of the latest developments:

In a STUNNING COUP for the Tories, Kylie Trollhouse’s defection to the Conservatives has shown just why Rishi Sunak’s Conservatives are the party of the future. K*ir St*rmer must be REELING at the shock of the defection of one of his key lieutenants, in a move that demonstrates to the nation that LABO*R’S policies are IDEOLOGICALLY BANKRUPT and destined to lead the UK to DESTRUCTION in a BURNING SOCIALIST PIT OF HELL.

There can be NO DOUBT now that Rishi Sunak will lead the Conservatives to a HUGE VICTORY in the next election, CRUSHING THE EVIL COALITION of DEEP STATE COMMUNIST CIVIL SERVANTS and shady LEFT-WING INVESTMENT BANKERS who are undermining our glorious nation wibble wibble woke leftist BBC socialist London metropolitan elite gibber gibber STOP RINGING THOSE BELLS STOP RINGING THOSE BELLS bloody LBGT snowflake Guardian-reading tofu-eating wokerati DEPORT THEM ALL TO RWANDA NOW!!! that’s the only language these communist fifth-columnists understand fizz bzzzz meep meep bleep whirrr LIBSTER LOBSTER LABSTER LEE LIVING IN THE DEEP BLUE SEA wibble wibble wibble LIBSTER LOBSTER WHERE ARE YOU? GONE FOR LUNCH BACK AT TWOOOOOoooh MY GOD my brain’s exploded!!!!

Stroochester Conservative MP Kylie Trollhouse Defects to Lab**r

Kylie Trollhouse - defect

A Midway MP has defected to the Lab**r Party just moments before Prime Minister’s Questions began - leaving local Tories shocked.

Kylie Trollhouse, who represents Stroochester And Bits Of Chattingham That Got Carved Up To Stop Lab**r Winning, crossed the floor in the House of Commons today.

She says “many things have changed” since she was elected in 2014 and believes the “modern Labour Party looks a safe bet for the future and can offer me a safe seat before the Tories get annihilated at the next election.”

Labour already has a parliamentary candidate for the constituency in Skippi Myrtle and have yet to indicate their acceptance of Ms. Trollhouse as a Lab**r member.

Skippi Myrtle, Labo*r candidate for Stroochester

Political forecasting website Electoral Calculus gives the Conservatives just an 8% chance of winning the Midway Stroochester seat.

In a statement, Ms. Trollhouse said: “When I was elected in 2014, the Conservative Party were a bunch of upper-class prats that were all about letting their mates loot our public services and making the most of the opportunities for themselves, but they were popular with the right-wing press and the BBC, so they were always going to win elections.”.

“Since then, many things have changed. My hero Boris Johnson was ousted in a coup led by a bunch of people who realised that the British public had finally woken up to what a bunch of lying, corrupt, cruel and venal idiots the Tory Party really are”.

“Meanwhile, the Lab**r Party has changed out of all recognition. They now look far more likely to win the next election than my own party. I have carefully considered this decision. The change has been dramatic and cannot be ignored. For me, the key deciding factor was that Lab**r can offer me the best chance of keeping my nice, well-paid job in the House of Commons”.

“From small boats to biosecurity, I’m quite happy to brown-nose Lab**r’s leadership and vote for whatever they want me to, just like I did for the Tories.”

“We need to move on from the broken promises of Rishi Sunak’s tired and chaotic government that I have wholeheartedly supported for the past two years. Time for a Labo*r government led by Ke*r St*rmer. Time for a turn-coat MP to be offered the chance to stand in a seat they can win if they swap side to the likely winners. The General Election cannot come soon enough.  Please, please, Mr. St*rmer, pick me, pretty pleeeeease….”

Cllr. Voletrouser

Cllr Herbert Voletrouser, who represents the Tories at district and county level, told the MORON: “I am disappointed, let down and I feel stabbed in the back. Ms. Trollhouse has behaved like a typical Tory, placing her own interests before those of her local and national party members. Who would have expected that?”

“Well, OK, anybody except a Tory, but then we’re not exactly well known for our pattern-recognition abilities, are we?”

A Conservative Party spokesperson said: “Good riddance to Turncoat Trollhouse. Lab**r are welcome to her brand of stinking hypocrisy, honed as it was on the Conservative back-benches”.

“We are genuinely surprised that she has decided to defect to Lab**r. She would be a better fit with Niglet the Gargoyle’s Really Extreme Far-Out Rightwing Maniacs^©™ UK PLC Party”

As yet, the Labo*r Party have yet to respond to Ms. Trollhouse’s defection, with Lab**r leader Ke*r St*rmer looking as surprised as anyone when Ms. Trollhouse crossed the floor and joined Lab**r’s ranks.

Lab**r's only Midway MP, Rosie Waffle

“We know she’s not the sharpest tool on the box,” said a Lab**r spokesman, “so we all thought she’d just got lost looking for the loos or something. We know she’s defective, but nobody expected her to actually defect. We’re going to have to think about this one…”

Midway’s only Labo*r MP, Rosie Waffle, was quick to tweet her support, with the message. “Hi Honey, welcome to the only Party in Town, now there’s two Pink Midway chicks with X-appeal!!!!” appearing on her X(-rated) account soon after Ms. Trollhouse’s defection.

The MORON’s political correspondent, Pauline Popkins, gives this analysis of the situation:

TRAITOR!!! BASTARD!!! HATE! HATE!! HATE!!! Kylie Trollhouse has turned out to be yet another deep state communist allied to shady left-wing investment bankers who undermined the one true Tory Liz wibble wibble evil BBC socialist London metropolitan elite gibber gibber STOP RINGING THOSE BELLS STOP RINGING THOSE BELLS bloody LBGT snowflake Guardian-reading tofu-eating wokerati…

There’s only one answer to this. DEPORT KYLIE TROLLHOUSE TO RWANDA NOW that’s the only language a communist fifth-columnist like her understands meep meep bleep whirrr I JUST GOTTA GET OUTTA THIS PRISON CELL ONE DAY I’M GONNA BE FREEEE LORRRRRRRRRD wibble wabble wobble CAN ENNNIE BODEEE FINE MEEEEEEEEE SOMEBODEEEE TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LURRRRRRUWURRRRRRUWRRRRRVVVVOOOOOH MY GOD my brain’s exploded!!!!

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