Stroochester Labo*r MP Kylie Trollhouse Defects to Conservatives

Kylie Trollhouse MP - defect

Midway’s newest Labo*r MP has defected back to the Conservative Party just moments after she defected to the Labo*r Party - leaving local Tories and Labo*r party members alike laughing up their sleeves.

Kylie Trollhouse, who represents Stroochester And Bits Of Chattingham That Got Carved Up To Stop Lab**r Winning, crossed the floor again in the House of Commons today.

She says “many things have changed” since she defected to Labour twelve hours ago.

“Basically, the Labo*r front bench said I was too useless and too right-wing, even for K*ir St*rmer,” huffed Ms. Trollhouse. “Bastards. So it’s back to the Tor ies for now...”

Political forecasting website Electoral Calculus gives the Conservatives just an 8% chance of winning the Midway Stroochester seat.

In a statement, a Labo*r spokesman said: “OK, I know we’ve just accepted Natalie Elphicke, but we do actually have standards. Kylie Trollhouse? No way…”

It had been thought that Ms. Trollhouse would defect to Niglet the Gargoyle’s Really Extreme Far-Out Rightwing Maniacs^©™ UK PLC Party instead.

Niglet the Gargoyle - owner

“We would welcome Kylie with open arms,” said Mr. Gargoyle. “We greatly admire the way she has blindly voted for every piece of cruel, stupid and pointless piece of performative legislation her party has come up with over the past few years..."

"Cutting benefits for disabled people, demonising immigrants and the European Union, clamping down on freedom of speech, breaking the UK’s commitments to international treaties, unfunded tax cuts that benefit only the well-off, running down public services and infrastructure – Kylie has voted for them all...”

“And my Really Extreme Far-Out Rightwing Maniacs^©™ UK PLC Party is planning to bring in far more mental right-wing head-banger legislation than that,” the gargoyle continued. “We’re planning to make being a foreigner, being poor or sick, or voting for anyone but the Really Extreme Far-Out Rightwing Maniacs^©™ UK PLC Party illegal. We think Ms. Trollhouse’s voting record in Parliament makes her a natural fit with these sorts of policies…”

Ms. Trollhouse denied any plans to join the Really Extreme Far-Out Rightwing Maniacs^©™ UK PLC Party, however. “Even I have a conscience,” she said. “Somewhere, deep down…”

Meanwhile, a Tory party spokesman welcomed Ms. Trollhouse ‘s return to the Tory back benches.

“We’re so desperate we’ll accept anyone,” he said. “The more morally corrupt and blatantly self-serving, the better...”

St. Trixie - "out of here"

The MORON asked Ms. Trollhouse’s fellow Midway Tory MPs for their opinion of the latest developments.

“I couldn’t care less,” said St. Trixie of Squatt, MP for Chattingham.

“I’m out of here and doing very nicely, thank you.," She said. "I couldn’t give a monkey’s about a bunch of Tory weasels fighting in a sack.”

Baghman Shifti MP

We tried speaking to Baghman Shifti, MP for Rainingham, but we were told his office hasn’t seen him for the last eighteen months.

“He’s currently on an all-expenses-paid fact-finding mission to Saudi Arabia,” they replied. 

“As usual…”

The MORON’s political correspondent, Pauline Popkins, gives this analysis of the latest developments:

In a STUNNING COUP for the Tories, Kylie Trollhouse’s defection to the Conservatives has shown just why Rishi Sunak’s Conservatives are the party of the future. K*ir St*rmer must be REELING at the shock of the defection of one of his key lieutenants, in a move that demonstrates to the nation that LABO*R’S policies are IDEOLOGICALLY BANKRUPT and destined to lead the UK to DESTRUCTION in a BURNING SOCIALIST PIT OF HELL.

There can be NO DOUBT now that Rishi Sunak will lead the Conservatives to a HUGE VICTORY in the next election, CRUSHING THE EVIL COALITION of DEEP STATE COMMUNIST CIVIL SERVANTS and shady LEFT-WING INVESTMENT BANKERS who are undermining our glorious nation wibble wibble woke leftist BBC socialist London metropolitan elite gibber gibber STOP RINGING THOSE BELLS STOP RINGING THOSE BELLS bloody LBGT snowflake Guardian-reading tofu-eating wokerati DEPORT THEM ALL TO RWANDA NOW!!! that’s the only language these communist fifth-columnists understand fizz bzzzz meep meep bleep whirrr LIBSTER LOBSTER LABSTER LEE LIVING IN THE DEEP BLUE SEA wibble wibble wibble LIBSTER LOBSTER WHERE ARE YOU? GONE FOR LUNCH BACK AT TWOOOOOoooh MY GOD my brain’s exploded!!!!