Pope Confirms Midway MP To Become Saint

Chattingham MP Trixie Squatt

A spokesman for the Vatican today announced that Trixie Squatt, Conservative MP for Chattingham and who is not contesting her seat at the next election, is to be canonised and will be made a saint by the Pope. 

“We know that it is normal practice to not  canonise someone until after they have died, but Ms. Squatt really is an exception,” the spokesman said.

“You need evidence of the performance of miracles and Ms. Squatt offers unimpeachable qualifications in that respect."

"I mean, forget all that stuff about parting the Red Sea, walking on water or feeding the five thousand. Trixie Squatt is a POPULAR Tory MP!"

"And she isn’t just lobby fodder or taking questionable donations like most of her mob. That really IS miraculous…” 

MP Kylie Trollhouse; Not fair...

“Huh!” said fellow local Tory MP Kylie Trollhouse. “I’ve been Stroochester’s MP for the past ten years, keeping my head down, not rocking the boat, taking tens of thousands of pounds from anonymous donors and doing just what I’m told to by Tory head office, yet I haven’t even been offered a lousy peerage, let alone sainthood”. 

“It’s not fair! I blame Midway’s Lab**r Council, of course…”

 

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