Midway Council To Employ Graffiti Artist to "Lighten The Mood"

Stock picture of rude pothole graffiti

Vic Marbles, Leader of Midway’s Lab**r council, today defended a decision to employ a famous graffiti artist to create “artistic works highlighting the problems facing people today”.

Vic Marbles: creative

“Basically, the council is broke,” said Mr. Marbles. “According to the NAO, total spending power for local authorities fell by 26% between 2010/11 and 2020/21. Spending power funded by the government fell in real terms by more than 50% on a like-for-like basis between 2010/11 and 2020/21.” 

“The previous Conservative council have also tied us into long-term service contracts that prevent us from seeking better value elsewhere, whilst sweeping the poor or absent quality of the work that does get done under the carpet.” 

“Twenty years of Tory council neglect and 15 year’s of central government “austerity” is the reason Midway’s roads are full of potholes, and why we are struggling to fix them. So in the absence of enough money to fix our roads, we’ve decided to take a creative view of the problem.”

“That’s we we’ve employed Manchester graffiti artist Wanksy, who will be working to turn Midway’s potholes into things that can be viewed as entertaining works of art rather than damaging and dangerous nuisances. It’s certainly more than the Tories have ever done in the past 10 years…” 

Cllr Fred Flymo: "raking it in"

Speaking from his “holiday home” in the Cayman Isles, ex-Conservative Councillor Fred Flymo, said: “The deals we negotiated with service providers offered exceptional value for tax-payer’s money. By that I mean ‘value for the directors and shareholders of the contract companies’, of course.” 

“We’re – sorry, they’re raking it in. 20 year tie-ins with no penalty or performance clauses, along with above inflation annual adjustments means we – sorry, they are gouging the tax-payers like never before.”

The CEO of BilkerRoadways, Cayman Isles tax-exile Mrs. Freda Flymo, agreed. “We have a wonderful relationship with Midway Council. They currently give us £10 million a year to maintain Midway’s roads. Of course, that really doesn’t go too far when you have to fund the lifestyles of our executives and our shareholders, so we’ve had to make some staff cuts in order to keep us in the manner to which we have become accustomed.” 

“Nevertheless, Midway’s council tax payers can rest assured that our team of expert highways repair engineers (Mr. Paddy O’Murphy and Mr. Seamus O’Brien) are working as hard as they can to maintain the 1200 miles of roads within the borough.” 

Kylie Trollhouse MP: Lab**r's Fault

“The appalling state of Midway’s roads is entirely the Lab**r council’s fault”, said Kylie Trollhouse, MP for Stroochester and Odd Bits Of Chattingham That Got Carved Up So That Lab**r Couldn’t Win.” 

“Yes, I may have consistently voted for Tory austerity measures over the past 10 years. Yes, my party has consistently cut funding for councils. And yes, Midway’s Tory council had neglected the roads for the past 20 years before Lab**r were elected.” 

“But under the Conservatives, the pot holes in Midway’s roads were far nicer potholes, not like the ugly Lab**r potholes we have now. Vote Conservative for prettier potholes.” 

 

Comments:
Please note that we do not moderate comments. However, we may edit or delete them, or manipulate the voting on them in order to reflect our editorial policy. 

Grey Mondeo Man wrote:
I think Kylie Trollhouse is a complete hypocrite. Typical Tory lobby fodder, she’s voted through every single austerity measure without a qualm, and is now trying to blame Midway’s new Lab**r council for the inevitable outcome. We can expect to see this happening at a national level very soon.

👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎👎-23409

David Simile the Second replied:
A typically stupid reply from a typically stupid remoaning socialist Lab**r-supporting woke snowflake. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, you are a blight on society and as such are unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you tofu-eating, Guardian-reading pillock.

👍+256

Grey Mondeo Man replied:
As Shakespeare said, “age cannot wither, nor custom stale, your infinite variety”…

👎-2

David Simile the Second replied:
A typically stupid reply from a typically stupid remoaning socialist Lab**r-supporting woke snowflake. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, you are a blight on society and as such are unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you tofu-eating, Guardian-reading pillock.

👍+256

Kylie Trollhouse replied:
I am not “Lobby Fodder”!!! I automatically vote for every single measure put in front of me by the Whips because I passionately and unthinkingly believe that Tories have a divine right to rule and therefore anything our leaders do is right, even if millions of poor people have to suffer as a result!!! Serves them right for being poor, that’s a lifestyle choice!!! Fortunately, we are bringing in new anti-terrorist laws that mean we will soon be able to have people like you arrested!!! Freedom of speech is too valuable a right to have it wasted on non-Tories like you!!! So there!!!

👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍+9318

Kent’s Greatest Prick Ever replied:
What this country needs is the smack of firm government. I am pleased they are taking steps to suppress the views of the poor. Why on earth should we allow people without money to decide things, or even be heard? That just leads to things like taxing rich people and we simply can’t have that.

👍+63

Gonads wrote:
Brexit makes things worse.

👎👎👎👎👎👎-7256

Young Mum Left Traumatised After Bowling Alley Incident

Stock picture of bowling alley.

Police were called to the Evildrome Bowlarama ten-pin bowling alley in Knife Street, Chattingham this afternoon, when some ten-pin bowling was alleged to have broken out.

Mandy Gormless

“It was, like, scary,” said mum-of-six Mandy Gormless, 22. “I’d gone there with a few mates to start our usual fight, and all of a sudden these teenagers just started ten-pin bowling.”

“I’ve never seen anything like it. Big bowling balls flying down the alley, knocking skittles down everywhere. And they were just laughing about it. How are normal people like me expected to start fights and stab each other when that sort of thing is going on?”

After no struggle whatsoever, police went on to “tazer” and then arrest four teenagers. They were subsequently charged with possession of dangerous weapons in a public place (bowling balls), criminal damage (knocking over skittles) and behaviour likely to cause a breach of the peace (laughing and having harmless fun).

A police spokesman said: “We were called to the Evildrome Bowlarama following reports of a disturbance. Within a short space of time (3 days) we apprehended four people who are currently assisting us with our inquiries.”

“Residents of the Chattingham area can be reassured that we have zero tolerance for social behaviour. We do everything we can to ensure that they can go about their normal, day-to-day business of robbing, fighting and stabbing each other without hindrance.”

“I’m still in shock,” said Ms. Gormless. “I’m now suffering from ten-pin bowling-induced PTSD. I want compensation.”

A manager from the Evildrome Bowlarama rolled his eyes and refused to comment. 

 

Comments: 

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Chad Grunter wrote:

Looks like a typical self-entitled scrounging lazy thick La**ur voter to me. Who else would go to the bowling alley in Chattingham and expect to see ten-pin bowling?

👍+157

Grey Mondeo Man replied:

Maybe the clue is in the name of the establishment in question, “the Evildrome Bowlarama Ten-Pin Bowling Alley”…?

👎-145

David Simile the Second replied:

A typically stupid reply from a typically stupid remoaning socialist La**or-supporting woke snowflake. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, you are a blight on society and as such are unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you tofu-eating, Guardian-reading pillock.

👍+234

Kent’s Greatest Prick Ever wrote:

Ten-pin bowling sounds like a plebeian, working-class pastime. I think it is good that the lower orders have these places to congregate, well away from rich people like myself. I would hate to see paups anywhere near my golf club, unless they are ground staff or waiters, of course.

👍+63

Boring Welsh Tory wrote: 

Ten-pin bowling was invented by the Welsh Monk Cwm Dai Tafyn in AD 881 and it was played at Carefonwyn Abbey on a competitive basis in AD 898, using frozen dead sheep as pins and cannon balls for bowling. Today, over 42 million people play this ancient Welsh game in the UK every day. It is the national sport of Slovodonia and will feature in the 2032 Olympics. I know all this because I read it on the Internet.
Ten-Pin-Bowling-Balls.co.uk.
The online version of ten-pin bowling, “StrikeMaimKill”, is one of my favourite computer games, which saves me having to leave my Mum’s attic and meet people.

👍+1

Pauline on Politics: This Week - Immigration

Our political editor Pauline Popkins gives her fearless and in-depth opinion on matters of national concern. This week: The English Channel Migrant Crisis...

So, we seem to be on the brink of World War 3, yet funding for national defence is at an all-time low. Our much-vaunted and mega-expensive Trident nuclear deterrent can only fire a missile about 30 feet.

It looks like Britain is soon going to be facing food and fresh water shortages. And what little food we can get into the country is full of salmonella because we aren’t able to do the food quality checks that the EU used to manage at point of export. 

Our economy is tanking. Shops, restaurants and pubs are closing down in droves. The only things “high” on our High Streets are the hordes of drunks, druggies and rapists. And where are the police? Oh sorry, they ARE the police…

Doctors and teachers are leaving their professions and leaving the country in droves because things are so bad. We can’t attract skilled people from overseas and our education and industrial systems are so broken we can’t train our own people any more.

Brexit has made the UK an international laughing stock. The country is f*cked after 15 years of “austerity” and the government is too busy posturing and fighting amongst themselves to actually do anything about anything.

All leftie socialist LIES of course! But never mind all that.

WHAT ABOUT THOSE BOAT PEOPLE?   EH??   EH???

OK, so boat people only make up about 5% of the immigrants coming into the country. But let's not allow facts to get in the way of a good distraction issue.

WHAT ABOUT THOSE BOAT PEOPLE?   EH??   EH???

MILLIONS OF THEM crossing the Channel every day, waived through by Froggie cheese-eating surrender monkeys. Demanding to be put up in five-star hotels and given benefits as soon as they set foot on shore. THEY’RE WORSE THAN COCKROACHES! We could give them work permits and maybe get them doing the jobs we won’t do, of course. But that would be a humane and sensible solution. We mustn’t fall into that woke, snowflake trap.

TOLERANCE AND UNDERSTANDING ARE TRADITIONAL ENGLISH VALUES.

LET’S NOT WASTE THEM ON A BUNCH OF WORKSHY MUSLIM INVADERS!!!

British people like me want to see performative cruelty and expensive, ineffective punishment, not namby-pamby socialism!!! So our Trident missiles can only fly about 30 feet? That’s fine. Just get our submarines alongside a few immigrant boats and then NUKE THE BASTARDS!!! WHAT’S THE POINT OF HAVING A NUCLEAR DETERRENT IF WE DON’T USE IT?!!!

I blame K*ir Starm*r and his bunch of Lab**r socialist snowflake cronies.  What are they doing about the UK’s problems, eh?  NOTHING, AS USUAL.  Just opposing everything.  Always saying “NO!!!”  HATE! HATE!! HATE!!!  BASTARDS!!!!

Deep state communist civil servants left-wing investment bankers bring back Liz wibble wibble evil BBC socialist London metropolitan elite gibber gibber STOP RINGING THOSE BELLS STOP RINGING THOSE BELLS bloody LBGT Guardian-reading tofu-eating wokerati…

There’s only one answer. ROUND THEM ALL UP AND DEPORT THEM ALL TO RWANDA that’s the only language these Islamic Jihadi fifth-columnists understand meep meep bleep whirrr HEEATHCLEEFF IT’S MEEE I’M CATHEE I’VE COME HOME WHOAROOWHOAR LET MEE OUTTA YOUR WINDOWOOWOH FZZZZ BEEEP bibble babble bobble LOOKIT ME I’M FLYING I’M FLYING ARRRRGH ARRRRGH NOOOOOH MY GOD my brain’s exploded!!!! 

Comments: 

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David Simile The Second wrote:

A wonderfully concise and accurate summary of the appalling state of this country, caused by the hordes of stupid remoaning socialist La**or-supporting woke snowflakes. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, they are a blight on society and as such are unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you tofu-eating, Guardian-reading pillocks. Keep up the good work, Pauline!

👍+157

Grey Mondeo Man wrote:

I hope your brain gets better soon, Pauline.

👍+3

David Simile the Second replied:

A typically stupid reply from a typically stupid remoaning socialist La**or-supporting woke snowflake. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, you are a blight on society and as such are unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you tofu-eating, Guardian-reading pillock.

👍+234

Deaf Woman Not Offended By Bullying Comedian at Local Show

Stock photo of theatre.

A deaf woman says she was mocked by TV comedian Jimmy Twatt at a Midway show and left feeling “not the least bit bothered because it all worked out well in the end.”

Carol Simon, from Stroochester, claims the comedian got annoyed when she got the better of him during an exchange and resorted to a tirade of “unfunny” personal abuse when he performed at the town’s Evildrome Cokerama theatre.

The 46-year-old, who is profoundly deaf, says she is disappointed the stand-up was using his platform to “try and put down those who are differently abled and often aren’t capable of fighting back”.

Jimmy Twatt

Jimmy Twatt is well known for hosting the GBNews show “Hate Out Of Six Twats”, where members of minority communities are invited on to show under the pretext of being interviewed for charity publicity, but are then subject to verbal abuse by two teams of right-wing comedians until the victim loses their temper or breaks down.

Ms Simon says Mr Twatt - who is well-known for his bullying of audience members for cheap laughs - noticed her in the front row with a hearing aid and asked why she was wearing it.

She told the MORON: “I replied, ‘I’m wearing it because I’m deaf, you f**king idiot, why else do you think I’m f**king wearing it?” That got quite a big laugh from the audience, which seemed to upset Mr. Twatt.”

“He then came down from the stage and stood in front of me bellowing abuse in my face”.

“Think you’re f**king clever do you? I’m the f**king famous comedian around here, do you really think you can get the better of me you deaf bast*rd. F**k off and die, deafo!” he was shouting at me, or something like that.” 

“He’d clearly lost it and the audience had stopped laughing,” said Ms. Simon. “It was embarrassing.” 

According to other audience members, Mr. Twatt then undid his trousers and “waved his manhood” at Ms. Simon, shouting “suck on this, bitch!” 

“I just said if I wanted any dental floss, I’d let him know,” said Ms. Simon. “That got a huge laugh and Mr. Twatt stormed off and refused to come back on stage.”

The theatre management were at a bit of loss and sarcastically asked Ms. Simon if she would take the stage and finish off Mr. Twatt’s act

”I was only too pleased,” said Ms. Simon. “I’ve always wanted to try stand-up, and I had loads of material about how smug bullying Tory tax evaders with dodgy hair transplants call themselves comedians by always picking on anyone except rich white gammony types who look like they might slap them back. The audience seemed to enjoy it…” 

“We’ve invited Carol Simon back month,” admitted the manager of the Evildrome Cokerama. “She’s much better than that Twatt bloke. Someone who can get big laughs without bullying anybody is a real novelty act these days.” 

The MORON asked Jimmy Twatt’s management team for a comment but apparently Mr. Twatt is still sulking.

Completely unrelated tales from the real world can be found here.

Comments:

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Chad Grunter wrote: 

These Lab**r-voting woke snowflakes only go to shows such as this so that they can pretend to be offended. This woman got everything she deserved.

👍+321

Grey Mondeo Man replied: 

For once you are right. She publicly got the better of a smug, nasty bully and thoroughly deserved her comedy gig.

👎-498

David Simile the Second replied:

A typically stupid reply from Gay Morono Man, a typically stupid remoaning socialist La**or-supporting woke snowflake. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, you are a blight on society and as such are unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you tofu-eating, Guardian-reading pillock.

👍+235

Kent’s Greatest Prick Ever wrote:

Mr. Twatt is one of my favourite comedians. What purpose do the weak, the poor or the otherwise disadvantaged serve, if not to be exploited, mocked and ridiculed for the amusement of their betters?  Mr. Twatt is a master of his genre. The best of English humour is founded in cruelty and bullying. Leftist snowflakes, by their very nature, can therefore never be funny.

👍👍+3731

Gonads wrote: 

Jimmy Twatt is about as funny as Brexit.

👎👎👎-11981

Boring Welsh Tory wrote: 

Being profoundly deaf means that you cannot hear sounds below 95 decibels. The typical volume of speech is around 60 decibels. I looked that up on the Internet so that I could seem smarter than everyone else on here.
Profound deafness is a common result of Covid vaccines, which contain nanochips designed by Bill Gates and his cohort of Illuminati lizard people so that the population at large are only allowed to hear what the lizards want them to hear and nothing else. I know this because I have extensively researched the matter on the Internet. It’s why I prefer to hide in my Mum’s attic rather than go out and meet people, in case my brain gets attacked by the lizards.

👍+1

Local Millionaire Tory Donor In Woke Comment Storm

Hank Fester

Prominent Midway businessman Hank Fester was today engulfed in a nationwide political storm following the revelation that he had made complimentary remarks to employees about Hackney MP and former Lab**r front-bencher Di*ne Ab*ott. 

“I think she’s a very brave, dignified and principled woman,” Fester was alleged to have said. “She’s a good role model for any young black person who wants to get into politics.”

Mr. Fester had recently made a donation of £10 million to the Conservative party, prior to his company being entirely coincidentally awarded a £150 million contract to provide critical IT services to the NHS.

Shocked critics were swift to condemn Mr. Fester. 

“An evil socialist woke warrior trying to fan the flames of racial harmony,” said the Heily Express. The Daily Heil called him “An Enemy Of The People!!!” Others called on the Tory party to dissociate themselves from Mr. Fester’s remarks and return his donation.

“This looks bad for us,” said a Tory party spokesman. “We can hardly go around declaring culture wars on anyone or anything we disagree with if a big supporter is going to go off-message and say nice things about black Lab**r politicians. Why couldn’t he say nasty, lying stupid stuff like all of our other donors and most of our front bench MPs do?”

Hank Fester has since apologised. “I misspoke,” he said. “What I meant to say was ‘Di*ne Ab*ott makes me want to hate all black women and she should be shot’. Can I still keep my juicy government contracts please?”

Diane Abbott is 71.


Comments:

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Grey Mondeo Man wrote: 

Who would have thought that a major Tory donor would turn out NOT to be an arrogant, smug racist? Some mistake surely?

👎-214

David Simile the Second replied:

A typically stupid comment from a typically stupid remoaning socialist La**or-supporting woke snowflake. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, you are a blight on society and as such are unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you tofu-eating, Guardian-reading pillock.

👍+234

Chad Grunter wrote:

Anyone can make a mistake. Mr. Fester was surely just joking with his employees and has since apologised for his apparent wokism. He should be forgiven for his momentary lapse. Provided it doesn’t happen again, of course.

👍+17

Kent’s Greatest Prick Ever wrote:

I quite like some black women. They make good domestic staff and are usually quite cheerful. I would not trust them with anything important though, as they are not as civilised or as intelligent as we are.

👎-145

David Simile the Second replied:

Sorry, that just isn’t quite racist or condescending enough. A rich Tory like you should know better.

👍+234

 

Local politician quits due to politicians “playing politics”

Cllr Pearl Clutcher

A Midway Tory councillor says her decision to quit as a Tory was triggered partly by decisions taken by the former Tory administration over the development of Midway’s Whatt Peninsular in accordance with a Tory development plan devised by the previous Tory council.

Cllr Pearl Clutcher has resigned from the council’s Conservative group, citing a range of issues she felt had not been properly addressed.  Asked what had contributed to her decision to leave the group, she said she was unhappy at the nature of the political debate, saying it was “too political”.

“It was a really difficult decision; I am a Tory and I hold Tory principles,” she said. “In accordance with those principles, it is therefore right that I resign in a sulk because we now have a Lab**r Council”.

A particular concern was the money that had originally been allocated to meet the infrastructure costs associated with the development of the Whatt Peninsula.

“The Housing Infrastructure Fund was something I was not comfortable with; as it was never going to be enough for what we were boasting we were going to deliver,” she said.  “However, the government then withdrew the funding altogether once a Lab**r council got elected. They’re not going to give tax-payer’s money to an area that voted out Tory politicians, after all. Can you blame them?”

“This is entirely the fault of the current Lab**r-led Midway council administration, of course. So I’m off…”

Kylie Trollhouse MP

“This tragic resignation is yet another failure that is down to Midway’s La**ur Council,” said Kylie Trollhouse, MP for Stroochester and Odd Bits Of Chattingham That Got Carved Up So That La**or Couldn’t Win.

“Cllr Clutcher would never have resigned if we still had a Tory-run council. How dare these Lab**r councillors go around offering Midway voters an alterative to the past 20 years of Tory administration? Not content with starting two world wars, sinking the Titanic and dropping the A-bomb on Hiroshima, La**ur now taken over our local council. This has to stop.”

“I’m hoping that Rishi will come up with an excuse to cancel the next general election. Why should we have another vote? We didn’t re-run the Brexit vote just because it’s been a disaster, did we? The public elected a Tory government in 2019, so that should be good enough.” 

In other news: Priest Resigns Due to Church Being Religious.

 

Comments:

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Grey Mondeo Man wrote:

These Tories keep repeating themselves. They’ve been in charge for a decade or so and yet everything is still La**ur’s fault.  Why don't they come up with something new in the way of "attack lines"?

👎-98

David Simile the Second replied:

A typically stupid comment from a typically stupid remoaning socialist La**or-supporting woke snowflake. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, you are a blight on society and as such are unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you tofu-eating, Guardian-reading pillock.

👍+234 

Chattingham Boss Praises Effort But Team Problems Remain

Stock photo of blokes playing football

Athletico Teynham 6: Chattingham 0

Midway's top team Chattingham remain rooted to the bottom of the North Kent Relegation League after a six-goal defeat against fellow strugglers Athletico Teynham.

Manager Doug Outt, 59, remained tight-lipped in the face of this latest set-back, which leaves him still winless since he was appointed as manager nine months ago.

“The squad clearly has a communication problem,” he said. “This might be down to the fact that they all speak different languages, none of them being English.”

With a mid-week defeat against Dynamo Boreham Village to get over, Chattingham started brightly when after just five minutes of play, Congolonian striker Adobe Acrobat lashed the ball into the net. Two minutes later, he followed up with a superb turn and volley that left the ‘keeper helpless.

Unfortunately, on both occasions the net he found was his own team’s, with the striker maintaining his record of scoring at least one own goal in every game this season so far.

Chattingham Manager Doug Outt (59)

“The lad’s in impressive form in front of goal at the moment,” said ashen-faced manager Outt. “If only he could reproduce that form in front of the opposition’s goal…”

In the second half, Chattingham became more threatening, but despite threatening the referee, the linesman and several crowd members, they conceded four more goals before leaving the Athletico Teynham ground empty-handed.

“Well, not quite empty-handed,” said a grim-faced Outt. “Our Slovomanian defender Slobodon Miovakoat managed to nick the lead off the roof of the opposition’s changing room, so that should help with the wages bill this week.

Comments: 

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Judge Dreadful wrote: 

Gutted. Sick as a parrot. We were all over them, except for the six goals we conceded. Never mind, next week will be different. Post-match kebab was the highlight of the day. C’mon lads, up the Chats! COYC!!

👍+1

Dullman wrote:

Outt Out! 

👎-1