“Keir Starmer Ate My Hamster” claims Chattingham Mum

Mandy Gormless; "wants compensation..."

More evidence of a Labo*r government spiralling out of control came to light today when Chattingham mother-of-six Mandy Gormless (23) checked her young daughter’s pet hamster cage.

“We’d just bin watchin’ the news on telly an’ that K*ir Starm*r bloke was on,” said Ms. Gormless.

“Next thing we know, the door of my little Katie’s hamster cage was open and her little pet hamster, Kemi, had gone. That ain’t no coincidence.”

Stock photo of hamster

“I reckon it was that K*ir Starm*r wot dunnit,” said tearful Chattingham mother-of-six Mandy Gormless (23). “My Katie is devastated. I want compensation…”

Labo*r chancellor Rachel Re*ves later denied plans to introduce a hamster tax as part of her commitment to further penalise the working-class people of Britain and reduce millions to abject poverty.

“Labo*r’s manifesto made no mention of a hamster tax and we have no plans to introduce one,” said a spokesman from the Chancellor’s office.

 

Comments:

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Grey Mondeo Man wrote:
This story is obviously a complete load of made-up (this comment has been edited because we don’t like Grey Mondeo Man - Ed)

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Neil Barse replied:
A typically stupid reply from the typically stupid remoaning socialist La**or-supporting woke snowflake that is GreyMondeoMan. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, he is a blight on society and as such is unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you tofu-eating, Guardian-reading pillock.

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Chad Grindr wrote:
Labo*r’s manifesto didn’t mention their plans to condemn millions of UK pensioners to a freezing death by scrapping the heating allowance either. Doubtless millions of innocent hamster owners will soon be bearing the cost of Ms. Reeve’s communist revolution. I hope the dribbling leftist loons who voted Labo*r at the last election are proud of themselves.

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Tornado Watcher replied:
Could it be that this story is a load of Daily Mail-style made-up rubbish? A hamster goes AWOL and it’s K*ir Starm*r’s fault? A hamster tax? Really?

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Yu Rong replied:
Another apologist from the extreme left. This is a bad news story about Labo*r so it must be true. Bad news stories about the Tories are far-left, hate-filled disinformation, of course.

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Neil Barse replied:
Typical whataboutery and lies from a bitter and twisted leftist Labo*r loser. And what about Labo*r’s plans to compulsory purchase all UK pensioner’s houses and give them to asylum seekers, eh? eh? That’s a plan that I’m sure you far-left UK haters would approve of.

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Super Small Dick wrote:
Donald Trump says illegal immigrants eat pets, so it must be true. Katie’s hamster has probably wound up on the table of a luxury hotel to help feed Starm*r’s boat people friends. Meanwhile, millions of pensioners are freezing to death and all public schools are being shut down by having to pay VAT so that Starm*r can turn them all into hostels for illegal immigrants.

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Grey Mondeo Man replied:
Why (this comment has been edited because we don’t like Grey Mondeo Man - Ed)

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Neil Barse replied:
A typically stupid reply from the typically stupid remoaning socialist La**or-supporting woke snowflake that is GreyMondeoMan. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, he is a blight on society and as such is unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you tofu-eating, Guardian-reading pillock.

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Boring Welsh Tory wrote:
Hamsters belong to the family Cricetidae, which includes voles and lemmings as well as rats and mice. The 20 or more species of hamsters are quite varied. Most hamsters are nocturnal and spend their days hiding from predators. In the wild, hamsters dig burrows with deep tunnels and multiple entrances for protection. They are solitary animals, spending most of their time in their burrows alone. They are also fiercely territorial and will attack other hamsters. Given their high reproductive rate and that Hawaii’s climate is similar to the hamsters' native habitat, hamsters are illegal in Hawaii. In past studies, wild hamsters have exhibited great spatial intelligence (including a visual memory) while foraging for food. Many believe they can also learn their names and bond with their human companions. Most pet shop hamsters are in fact robots built by Elon Musk and Bill Gates so that they can spy on their owners and make reports back to the alien lizard people who are looking to enslave humanity.

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Gonads replied:
You’ve got quite a lot in common with a hamster, haven’t you? Except for the intelligence and being able to “bond with human companions”, of course.

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Pseudocreem 2 wrote:
Comrades, dear Mr. Putin says for you to vote REFORM in the next elections because all parties are corrupt unlike Russian oligarch money which is good for UK, which will be good news for all Russian internet trolls and dear Mr. Putin.

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