After years of travelling around Midway looking for the perfect pub, the MORON’s Undercover Imbiber is getting some company.
Starting soon, our undercover female reporter will be getting readers ‘All Mixed Up’ - a column reviewing wine bars, cocktail lounges and other upmarket venues.
 |
| "All Mixed Up" - looking to sneer and jeer at Midway's wine bars and cocktail joints... |
Written from a “woman’s perspective”, she'll be looking for Midway’s best and worst nights out.
Cocktail and wine bars all across Midway will be visited, with scores of locations already on her hit-list.
As she explained, “the MORON’s owner and its editor have lots of acquaintances who have property and business interests in bars across Midway”.
“These places charge the earth, so hopefully I can wangle a few free drinks while sycophantically puffing up the venues owned by the chums of the MORON’s management and other local businessmen who might be able to do them a few favours in return”.
“I have high standards and will be totally anonymous - staff and owners will have no idea who I am until I tell them I’m friends with their bosses and their bosses’ mates and start asking for a few ‘complimentaries’…”.
“These businesses need to make with the freebies, otherwise ‘All Mixed Up’ will be pulling no punches.”
The new column will complement the ever-popular Undercover Imbiber, who will continue to bring us his smug, pompous, self-regarding ramblings on his usual ‘when I feel like it’ basis.
Since he began his quest, he has been thrown out of dozens of boozers across Midway, while offering gushing reviews on everything from the quality and cost of a beer to the ambience of the pub and the state of the loos – but only if there’s a free pint or six in it for him.
And rest assured, our “All Mixed Up” columnist will be just as nit-picking and condescending about struggling local hospitality venues - unless there a few free drinks provided as an incentive for a good review, of course. Otherwise, she’ll be a-sneering and a-jeering about local bars and their customers, in the effort to put them all out of business and force everybody to go a Wetherspoons instead…
In the real world,
there’s no
barrel so empty that it can’t be given another scrape…