Housing Development for Flood Plain Gets Go-Ahead

Stock photo of a swamp.

Midway Council’s planning department has confirmed that a development of 700 luxury houses and apartments on marshland close to the River Midway in Stroochester has been sanctioned by the Minister For Housing.

The plan was originally rejected by Midway’s planning committee as the proposed development area is designated as an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty and forms part of one of the few remaining areas of Midway’s Green Belt. It is also an RSPB reserve and home to huge colonies of wading birds and other wildlife.

Vic Marbles, Leader of Midway Council

“This is just outrageous,” said Vic Marbles, Lab**r leader of Midway Council. “We rejected this plan because of the environmental sensitivity of the site and also because most of the time, it’s a swamp and under three feet of bloody water! The decision to overturn that ruling is just crazy”.

The Ministry for Housing disagreed, however.

“Our decision to allow this development to proceed is based purely on local housing needs,” said a Housing Ministry spokesman earlier today. “There is a severe shortage of second homes for rich London bankers, businessmen and lawyers in the south-east and we believe this development will help to alleviate that problem”.

“The Tory party have also received a stonking great donation from the developers that we just couldn’t ignore,” the spokesman added, “and anyway, Midway council has gone over to Lab**r so anything we can do to make them unpopular is all grist to the mill…”.

Mike Coynte, Director of Coynte PLC

Mike Coynte, director of Coynte Housing Solutions PLC and the development firm responsible for the plan, was delighted.

“This is fantastic news for Midway and for the shareholders of Coynte Housing Solutions PLC. The sooner we can get the concrete pouring, the sooner we can start making shed-loads of money,” said Mr. Coynte.

“In terms of its environmental impact, our own studies conclude that the environment will make no impact whatsoever on our profits, so the little birdies can just bugger off elsewhere”, he added.

“As for the development being on a flood plain, well, we’ll be sticking a bloody great big wall around it all. We don’t want our rich new home-owners being flooded out, do we? Not that we care, anyway. And if other areas get flooded as a result, we don’t care abut that either, it’s not our problem. Slap ‘em up, take the money and run, that’s our business plan.”

“Of course, we’ll be promising to build a doctor’s surgery and a school etc. etc, but as usual they’ll get quietly forgotten so we can cram a few more houses in instead. Not that anyone can find any doctors or teachers to run them anyway...”

Kylie Trollhouse, MP for Stroochester

Kylie Trollhouse, MP for Stroochester and Odd Bits Of Chattingham That Got Carved Up So That Lab**r Couldn’t Win, was also supportive of the development.

“Whilst I do like to boast about my ‘green credentials’, the developer’s donation to Tory funds really was quite big, so that clinches it,” she said. “And anyway, as a Tory, I am all in favour of big, rich companies doing just what they want.”

“Needless to say, the loss of one of the last areas of Midway’s wild spaces is nevertheless entirely the fault of Midway’s Lab**r Council, of course. Vote Conservative if you want to see your green spaces not concreted over as quickly as they will be when Lab**r are in charge…”


Comments on this article have been disabled as Mr. Coynte really is quite a big and well-connected Tory donor and we don’t want to upset him.