Boat Race Interrupted By Anti-Immigrant Protest

The River Midway

Midway’s traditional Easter Monday boat race between Stroochester Grammar school and Chattingham Academy was declared a draw as in the end, neither team were able to propel their boats through the solid crust of raw sewage that has formed on the River Midway.  

“We had to give up and carry the boats over the top of dried-out and compacted mass of turds that was once the River Midway,” said the Stroochester cox Rupert Posshe-Buoye.

“Row, row, row your boat, gently through the pee, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, look, there’s Stevie B…”

At one point, the event was interrupted by an anti-immigration protest.

“We’re gonna Stop Der Boats, just like Rishi wants to,” said a StopDerBoats campaign spokesman, “and we’re not gonna let any leftist, woke Lab**rite tell us that these boats are different.”

“We believe in freedom of speech in this country, including the freedom to make ourselves look like thick, racist dick-heads if we want to. And talking of freedom of speech, don’t you go calling our far-right group a far-right group, or we’ll sue you…”

Others suggested that the race being abandoned due to the pollution in the river was a national disgrace and have held the privatised water companies responsible. Thames Water reacted strongly to this criticism, however.

“We are working as hard as we can to ensure that a steady stream of clean money is reaching our shareholders and executives,” said a Thames Water spokesman today.  “We have even borrowed £18 billion so far, to ensure that dividends flow to our shareholders.”

“We can’t allow lesser priorities, like investing in adequate waste treatment facilities to keep our rivers clean or stopping our pipes leaking, to get in the way of keeping our overseas investors happy.”

“So if you want clean rivers and clean drinking water, you mug punter customers are going to have to pay up, because there’s no way we’re cutting share dividends or executive bonuses.”

“And anyway, even if we could build all the treatment works we need, we couldn’t bloody run them because bloody Brexit means we can’t import the water treatment chemicals we need, not that we’re allowed to tell you that but we’re fed up with getting slagged off for yet another Tory f*ck up…”

Kylie Trollhouse: Tory turds

Stroochester Kylie Trollhouse also waded in on the debate.  “So yes, the Tories did vote in Parliament to allow water companies to fill our rivers with turds, but that’s all the fault of Midway’s Lab**r council, of course. And as for blaming Brexit, everyone knows Brexit has been a huge success, even though I campaigned against it.”

“We know Brexit is brilliant because our wonderful Secretary of State for Business and Trade Kemi Badenoch has told us so and she would never lie, would she? Anyone who says that Brexit is a disaster is just another member of the London metropolitan elite, whatever that means.”

“Vote Tory for more turds in your rivers…