The Undercover Intellectual Says "Vote For No-one..."

As the election draws nearer, perhaps the apathetic stay-at-homes or those who draw weird stuff on their ballot papers have a point, says our columnist…

I was recently speaking to a brave soul who had attended the count in a Midway constituency at the previous general election. It seems that back then, not a few people were childish enough to spoil their ballot paper by drawing a “cock and balls” on it, instead of the usual ‘X’.

To make an effort to go all the way to a polling station just to draw crude graffiti on your ballot paper seems to be a rather stupid waste of everyone’s time. No matter how bad our current crop of politicians, we in the UK are very lucky that we can vote at all. Given the rise of dictatorships and authoritarian governments across the globe, spoiling your ballot paper is the geopolitical equivalent of throwing away good food in front of starving people.

That said, I think things are very different in 2024 to what they were in 2019. Back then, we had the prospect of a proper Brexity, Tory government, with that great statesman Boris Johnson at the helm. However, a sly coalition of wet, leftie civil servants and Tory Remainers successfully undermined that decent, truthful, hard-working and honest man and since then, the Tory party and the country as a whole has gone into a bit of a decline.

Everyone likes cats, don't they...?

Incredibly, it seems that despite the best efforts of the UK’s fine and upstanding newspapers (such as the Times, the Daily Mail, the Daily Telegraph and the Daily Express) in telling us all that thanks to the Tories, our economy is booming, our public services and infrastructure (such as our roads and water and sewage systems) have never been in better shape, NHS waiting lists and the cost of living are at an all-time low and that Brexit has been a huge success, the UK’s population of dismally uneducated dullards now believe that a Labo*r government might somehow be a good thing!

To be fair, the Tories have done their best to make sure this doesn’t happen. They’ve changed constituency boundaries to try and favour their voting strongholds and also introduced voter ID requirements on the back of completely non-existent claims of electoral fraud, just to make it harder for young people to vote.

Unfortunately, all of this blatant Tory gerrymandering isn’t working. Incredibly rich and powerful people such as the owners of most of the UK’s media outlets, as well as ordinary run-of-the-mill multi-millionaires such as myself, are now getting really concerned that we might have to actually start paying our fair share of tax in the UK.

That really wouldn’t do at all!

So if we can’t get undecided people to vote Tory on July 4^th, the best we might be able to do is at least dissuade them voting for anyone else. It seems to me that these days, the thought of a Labo*r administration with that woke, socialist snowflake Ke*r St*rmer as PM is now a perfectly good reason not to vote, or to spoil your ballot paper.

That’s why my friends and I are fully encouraging the lie that “all politicians are the same”, or that “there’s no difference between Labour and the Tories” and that “it isn’t worth voting because there’s no-one worth voting for”. It’s a tactic that worked for Brexit, after all.

So if you aren’t voting Tory on June 4^th, just stay at home.

Or even better, just draw a big “cock and balls” on your ballot paper!

After all, you really wouldn’t want a Labo*r government undoing 14 years of glorious Tory austerity, would you?

Or rich people paying tax!?

That way, madness lies…

Comments: 

Please note that we do not moderate comments. However, we may edit or delete them, or manipulate the voting on them in order to reflect our editorial policy.

Chad Grunter wrote:
Sound advice and a timely article. In our woke, leftie democracy, having a mental incapacity no longer disbars anyone from voting and this allows socialists to vote for dangerous snowflakes like K*ir St*rmer and his leftist loons. Fortunately, the intelligence of the average Guardian-reading tofu muncher is so low that they can easily be dissuaded from voting, as Brexit proved.

👍+157

Grey Mondeo Man replied:
Surely a definition of “having a mental incapacity” would be doing something again and again which is proven to fail – such as voting Tory. Tories offer the country nothing but the same old lies and insults.

👎-367

David Simile the Second replied:
A typically stupid reply from a typically stupid remoaning socialist La**or-supporting woke snowflake. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, you are a blight on society and as such are unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you tofu-eating, Guardian-reading pillock.

👍+234

Grey Mondeo Man replied:
Quod erat demonstrandum, baby…

👎-353

David Simile the Second replied:
A typically stupid reply from a typically stupid remoaning socialist La**or-supporting woke snowflake and written in French as well, anti-British UK-hater than you are. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, you are a blight on society and as such are unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you tofu-eating, Guardian-reading pillock.

👍+234

Kent’s Greatest Prick Ever wrote:
A vote for anyone other than a Conservative candidate is a vote for the madness of punitive taxation of those who generate the country’s wealth, that is, off-shore hedge-fund managers and directors and CEOs of overseas investment conglomerates. They make the money after all, so why shouldn’t they take it away to their own countries? Ke*r St*rmer and his band of leftist loons are preaching the politics of envy, envy of their betters such as I.
I do not use public services, so why should I have to subsidise them?

👍+63

Boring Welsh Tory wrote:
The Senedd in Wales is elected through proportional representation (PR). This is, of course, completely irrelevant to North Kent but that doesn’t stop me posting it because it makes me look smarter than everyone else on here, which my Mum tells me I am.
It does mean neither the Tories or Labour have ever won an outright majority in Wales.
Due to Labour failing in Wales they intend to change the election system to 'closed list'. This is where you can only vote for a party and then the HQ of that party then decides who to appoint, just like in Russia. I read this on my favourite right-wing conspiracy website so it must be true. Labour are only a front for Bill Gates and his Illuminati alien lizard people. A vote for St*armer is a vote for iguanas from outer space who will invade your brain and make you part of a mind conglomerate.

👍+1

Yu Rong wrote:
I think the Tories are absolutely wonderful. The true benefits of Brexit are now obvious to all and anyone can see that we now are living in the promised sunlit uplands. The cost of living is at a record low, industrial productivity is at all all-time high, NHS waiting lists are non-existent and our rivers and seas are sparkling clean due to the hundreds of billions of investment made by those generous overseas investment banks and everyone is well-off, or at least everyone I know. God help us if K**r Starm*r and his bunch of leftist Lab**r loons get elected. No-one believes the doom and gloom ultra far-left propaganda put on here by the likes of GreyMondeoMan, who obviously doesn’t live in the real world as reported in those shining beacons of truth, the Daily Express, the Daily Mail and GBNews.

👍+734

Pseudocreem 2 wrote:
Comrades, do not vote in the next elections because all political parties are the same. If no-one vote your Tories will boss, which good news for all big Russian money in UK and dear Mr. Putin

👍+45

NotaToryBot wrote:
I am not going to vote at the next election because all parties are the same but we really hate Lab**r and we hope that if we keep pushing the “all parties are as bad as each other” line then the Tories will win by default.

👍+109

PutinFanBoy wrote:
I have always voted but if a general election came up in the next few months I would spoil my paper because I don’t think any of them are fit to lead us we have the tories lead by a man who has suspect tax affairs he should never have been made a leader but then none of the others would have been viable now he wants to make homelessness a criminal offence yet the cost of living crisis is putting more and more on the streets no way that will ever get my vote l**our? No – with St**mer having his strings pulled by Co*byn and R*yner and her dodgy house buying Lib. Dem – slightly better but even tho Davey might not have been responsible for the Post Office scandal he should have made it his business to be fully aware of what was happening reform – No – Farage and his lies about 350 million for our NHS and some of their candidates extreme views on race and ethnicity would never agree with my own beliefs Britain is in such a mess now, maybe we should let a strongman like Putin take charge as democracy has failed in the uk.

👍+23

Neil Barse replied:
A very insightful comment and completely correct.

👍+13

Yu Rong replied:
I think you are wonderful, Neil Barse. Can I have your babies?💓💓💓

👍+2

Neil Barse replied:
I think you are wonderful too, Yu Rong. Meet me tonight at the Young Conservatives. I’ll be the tall one with the toothbrush moustache, jackboots, brown shirt and swastika armband (the others wear the same costume of course, but I’m much taller than they are).💓💓💓

👍+1

You Rong replied:
Ooooh I love a man who cosplays. You sound just like Boris.💓💓💓😘😘😘

👍+1