Midway’s Biggest Weatherforks Pub Set To Re-open After £7.5k Refurb

Midway’s largest Weatherforks pub is set to get even grottier as bosses prepare for its grand reopening after splashing £7,500 out on a revamp.

We Love the 'Forrrrrrrrrrrks'....

The Rees-Mogg’s Head in Stroochester will welcome back customers on Saturday after being shut for almost two weeks as part of a quick once-over following six years of neglect.

The MORON was shown around the pub this afternoon as the finishing touches were being made.

It’s hard to believe that this brilliant boozer (as rated by our veteran reviewer) could be made any better, but they’ve spent no expense in trying to do so.

Brexit hero and 'forks chain owner, Sir Martin Timms

Weatherforks chain owner and Brexit-backing hero Sir Martin Timm said: “We’ve been forced to spend a bit of money on this pub as we’ve neglected it since we took the COVID bail-out money and then sacked everyone during the lock-down.”

“We’re hoping to get lots more free advertorials in the MORON so we can get our usual old fascist pensioners back in here, drinking, shouting and swearing at each other and spending their pensions and allowances.”

“We’ve obviously tried to spend as little as possible on the tart-up, as that eats into our margins and we don’t want to endanger our company director’s bonuses.”

“But the carpets and tables were losing their trademark stickiness, so we had to do something.”

“It made sense to do it once we got into more of a low season in November so we'd be open again for Christmas when our old working-class fascist pensioners and the local yobbos like to spend their money getting rat-arsed on our cheap, on-the-turn beer, wines and spirits.”

“We’re looking forward to having our regulars back and getting their money.”

The walls and ceilings of the bar area have been repainted with a fresh layer of old nicotine staining, which will offer customers the old Victorian experience they expect from the Rees-Mogg’s Head.

Testing a Weatherforks carpet...

Traditionally ultra-sticky urine-scented carpets from the US firm of LaBrea carpets have been re-fitted while old tables have been replaced and replaced with tackier ones.

The disinfectant cubes in the men’s urinals have been replaced, but the original Victorian fittings have been left unchanged.

The algae growing on the exterior of the building has been watered with a fertiliser to make it more green, slimy and neglected-looking, as befits a pub that revels in its archaic appearance.

Staff were in good spirits as they were forced to work unpaid overtime on the last-minute preparations such as restocking the kitchens and bars.

Many had been told to find jobs at nearby supermarkets while the pub was shut, as is the usual employment policy of ‘Forks pubs.

FO Weatherforks PLC opened inside the Grade-II listed building in 2017. It was originally built as an abattoir, but later became a nightclub and then a casino.

 

In the real world, they’ve managed to squeeze a few advertorials for their favourite Brexity pub chain in between the REFORM plugs…

 

Comments:

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Chad Grunter wrote:
It is always amusing how some (usually self-entitled dribbling left-wing loons) start frothing at the mouth and looking down their snooty noses when ever somebody mentions Weatherforks. They are what they are, with no frills. They are not pretentious or do they pretend to be anything else than a cheap watering hole for all, including mainly old working-class fascists and those that are not inserted up their own behinds :-)

👍+78

Grey Mondeo Man replied:
I suppose disagreeing with you and your kind makes me a “self-entitled dribbling left-wing loon”, but I simply prefer a traditional local not owned by a corporate chain, and where I can get to know the staff and landlord. Weatherforks, IMO, is just bland and the staff are robotic. I guess that's what some people like though, so fair enough.

👎-28

Chad Grunter replied:
Then don't visit then, you shouty, simpering lefty. Nobody is forcing you go.

👍👍+112

Grey Mondeo Man replied:
I don’t “visit then”. So your point is? And I’m not shouting at anyone…

👎-87

Yu Rong replied:
Oooh get you and your tantrums

👍+56

Chad Grunter replied:
Will you just STOP SHOUTING YOU DRIVELLING LEFTIST LOON!!!

👍👍+109

Neil Barse repiled:
Interesting, Grey Mondeo Man. Why would patriots (as you claim) not visit a UK corporate chain such as Weatherforks in this instance? And what evidence do you have to support your supposition that they do not necessarily prefer local independent pubs please?

👍👍+114

Grey Mondeo Man replied:
Er, what? I didn’t say any of that.

👎👎-132

Yu Rong replied:
Oooh get you and your tantrums

👎+56

Neil Barse replied:
More lies, gaslighting and disinformation from Grey Mondeo Man. I think you leftists must be mentally ill to constantly come out with the lies and whataboutery the way you do. And what about Labo*r’s plans to force all pensioners to work in chain gangs to repair potholes in roads as a condition of getting their state pensions, eh? Eh? That’s a plan that I’m sure you vicious far-left haters would approve of. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, you are a blight on society and as such are unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you tofu-eating, Guardian-reading pillock.

👍👍👍+591

Super Small Dick wrote:
My local Tory councillor tells me that all pensioners are going to be forced to hug illegal immigrants in order to keep warm this winter. Meanwhile, millions of Albanian shoplifters are crossing the Channel in small boats every week get to be housed in luxury hotels at the taxpayer’s expense. What a shambles. Four more years of this turgid drivel. I look forward to voting REFORM.

👍👍+378

Pseudocreem 2 wrote:
Comrades, dear Mr. Putin says for you to vote REFORM in the next UK elections because all other UK parties are corrupt Nazi gangster dictatorships who imprison anyone who criticises them on social media and condemns millions of old people to death while rest of world watches with horror unlike true democracy of Russia as led by global champion of freedom dear Mr. Putin and his rich friends.

👍+18