Pope Confirms Midway MP To Become Saint

Chattingham MP Trixie Squatt

A spokesman for the Vatican today announced that Trixie Squatt, Conservative MP for Chattingham and who is not contesting her seat at the next election, is to be canonised and will be made a saint by the Pope. 

“We know that it is normal practice to not  canonise someone until after they have died, but Ms. Squatt really is an exception,” the spokesman said.

“You need evidence of the performance of miracles and Ms. Squatt offers unimpeachable qualifications in that respect."

"I mean, forget all that stuff about parting the Red Sea, walking on water or feeding the five thousand. Trixie Squatt is a POPULAR Tory MP!"

"And she isn’t just lobby fodder or taking questionable donations like most of her mob. That really IS miraculous…” 

MP Kylie Trollhouse; Not fair...

“Huh!” said fellow local Tory MP Kylie Trollhouse. “I’ve been Stroochester’s MP for the past ten years, keeping my head down, not rocking the boat, taking tens of thousands of pounds from anonymous donors and doing just what I’m told to by Tory head office, yet I haven’t even been offered a lousy peerage, let alone sainthood”. 

“It’s not fair! I blame Midway’s Lab**r Council, of course…”

 

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The MORON To Become A Serious Local News Site.

Sir Paul Mental: MORON supremo

MORON boss Sir Paul Mental today announced that the Midway Online Review Of News was planning to change its editorial approach. 

“At the moment, the MORON’s editorial stance is designed to reflect the values of our core readership,” said Sir Paul, “which consists of xenophobic, racist pensioners, rabid right-wing conspiracy theorists, shit-thick Brexit voters who still reckon that Brexit was a good idea and well-off, smug Tory freemason types who are too stupid or lazy to get their opinions from anywhere else,” he explained. 

“Our old staples of advertorials for chain stores, big pubcos and national junk food outlets, click-bait that gives publicity to Tory distraction issues like the ULEZ, "Immigrants" and culture wars, along with generic reviews of local fast-food restaurants and pubs owned by our paid subscribers, are all looking a bit out-of-date given the current mood of the country,” Sir Paul added. 

“We at the MORON are therefore looking to hire some decent journalists, stop parroting the culture wars rubbish and other disinformation put out by Conservative head office, and look to report some actual local news.” 

The readership is reported to be unhappy with these changes. 

“I want hate, culture wars and Lab**r- bashing,” said regular reader David Simile, “not this woke, truthful rubbish. Like all Tory pensioners, I want news that just confirms what I already believe, not factual reporting.” 

“Ha, ha,” replied Sir Paul. “April Fool!” 

“Don’t worry, it’ll still be right-wing bollocks and local, low-quality trivia as usual here at the MORON…

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Local MP attends Easter Service

Stroochester Cathedral

Stroochester MP Kylie Trollhouse was among several local dignitaries attending the traditional photo opportunity at the Easter service held at Stroochester Cathedral today.

Kylie Trollhouse MP: "Blame Lab**r"

“Easter is a very special occasion and we must remember that Christ died for our sins,” said Ms. Trollhouse. “We must also never forget that it was Midway’s Lab**r Council that was responsible for the Crucifixion,” she added.

“Council Leader Vic Marbles banged in the nails that were passed to him by Simon Korma, Midway’s Lab**r Portfolio Holder for Regeneration, while K**r Star**r just washed his hands.”

“Vote Conservative for the Resurrection of Boris Johnson…”

A spokesman for Midway Council just rolled his eyes, shook his head and refused to comment.

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Yu Rong wrote:

I think the Tories are absolutely wonderful. The true benefits of Brexit are now obvious to all and anyone can see that we now are living in the promised sunlit uplands. The cost of living is at a record low, industrial productivity is at all all-time high and everyone is well-off, or at least everyone I know. God help us if K**r Starm*r and his bunch of leftist Lab**r loons get elected. No-one believes the doom and gloom ultra far-left propaganda put on here by the likes of GreyMondeoMan and Gonads, who obviously don’t live in the real world as reported in those shining beacons of truth, the Daily Express, the Daily Mail and GBNews.

👍👍+783

Chattingham Slump To Defeat Against Cobblesdown

Stock photo of blokes playing football

Cobblesdown United  8        Chattingham  0 

Midway’s flagship football club Chattingham remain rooted to the bottom of the North Kent Relegation League after an eight-goal defeat against rivals Cobblesdown United.

Ashen-faced Chattingham manager Doug Outte (59) remained tight-lipped in the face of this latest set-back, which leaves him still winless since he was appointed manager ten months ago.

Doug Outte (59) - tight-lipped in defeat

“I went into this game full of confidence,” said a pensive-looking Outte (59) “but then the opposition turned up. It was all downhill from there…”

“I feel badly let down by the VAR system,” added a stony-faced Outte (59). “Our three own-goals were clearly offside and should have been disallowed”.

Chattingham’s Congolonian striker, Adobe Acrobat, has taken his tally to an impressive 21 own-goals so far this season.

“The lad’s on fire,” said a grim-looking Outte (59). “It’s a shame people keep putting him out.” 

“I have full confidence in Doug Outte and believe the club is heading in the right direction,” said Club chairman and owner, millionaire American property developer Hank Methane.

Club owner Hank Methane

“Forty straight defeats shows a degree of consistency that should soon allow me to wind the club up, bulldoze the stadium and get my ol’ buddy Mike Coynte to slap up three hundred low-quality high-priced houses, er, shucks, I meant, to provide the investment needed for development of the playing squad...” 

“The team clearly needs a new quarterback, a tight end, a wide receiver and a running back. Then we can get down to the business of playing football how it should be played,” said Methane. 

Doug Outte (59) remained optimistic that his forty-game losing streak would soon come to an end. “I know the scoreline looks bad,” said a defiant Outte, “but at least we got something out of the game.” 

“Our Slovomanian defender Slobodon Miovakoat managed to strip out the copper pipe and fittings from the opposition’s changing room, so that should help with the wages bill this week…”

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Judge Dreadful wrote: 

Gutted. Sick as a parrot. We were all over them, except for the eight goals we conceded. Never mind, next week will be different. Post-match kebab was the highlight of the day. C’mon lads, up the Chats! COYC!!

👍+1

Dullman wrote:

Outte Out!

👎-1

The MORON Reviews The Shiawasena Senshi Sushi Restaurant

After receiving a handsome £500 payment from the owner of the Shiawasena Senshi sushi bar in Grott Street, Chattingham, we sent our restaurant review team to provide an in-depth and totally objective look at this popular Japanese eatery...

review by Art. E. Fishall

and

Clint Elligence

The Shawasena Senshi Japanese restaurant

The restaurant was very clean.

The restaurant was very well decorated.

The staff were very helpful and friendly.

The menu offered a wide variety of dishes.

The starter came promptly and was very tasty.

The main meal came promptly and was very tasty.

The desserts came promptly and were very tasty.

The toilets were very clean.

The bill came promptly and was very reasonable.

This is a nice restaurant.

The food is very good and reasonably priced.

We would highly recommend it to anyone.


Comments:

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Tsukutta Namae wrote:

I paid you £500 for a worthwhile review and instead you have insulted my honour with this complete and utter pile of (This comment has been edited for brevity – Ed.)

👎-34

Kent’s Greatest Prick Ever wrote:

Personally I would never eat in a restaurant that didn’t have at least one Michelin Star and I saw no mention of anything like that. Instead, it sounds like the sort of place that members of the ordinary peasantry might frequent and should therefore be avoided like the plague.

👍+63

Grey Mondeo Man wrote:

Oh dear, it looks like the MORON’s AI software needs a bit more work on it judging by its output above.  Especially given the latest news...

👎-291

David Simile the Second replied:

A typically stupid reply from a typically stupid remoaning socialist La**ur-supporting woke snowflake. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, you are a blight on society and as such are unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you K**r St**mer-loving, La**urite bum-boy.

👍+163 

Damning Report Closes Popular Sushi Restaurant

The Shiawasena Senshi sushi bar

The Shiawasena Senshi sushi bar in Grott Street, Chattingham, has been forced to close after a damning inspection report resulted in a zero hygiene rating.

The restaurant was issued a hygiene emergency prohibition notice following the visit from a Midway council environmental health officer.

Stock photo of cockroaches

It states that the “health risk condition was fulfilled” as “there is widespread, live active cockroach infestation with all stages of the life cycle seen”.

This resulted in “a significant risk to public health,” it added.

During the visit to the Shiawasena Senshi, the inspector also found rat and mouse droppings in various places around the floor in the main kitchen and also in the rear storeroom with pest control reports identifying rodent activity ongoing for at least the last year.

Stock photo of rat

There was also no hot running water to the wash hand basins and there was no sink available in the kitchen for adequate cleaning.

Dirt and debris were found underneath, behind and in between equipment in the preparation and service and food storage areas.

One of the freezers was also found to be not working, despite it having chicken and other meat in it, whilst another was “sticky and dirty”.  The floor in the toilet was flooded and the toilet itself was blocked.

Meanwhile, structural standards were also labelled “extremely poor”.

Stock photo of mould

The flooring throughout the preparation and serving area had been left in disrepair following water damage, having collapsed in places.

There was damage to the ceilings throughout the storage areas with holes, black mould and flaking plasterboard and paint in places. Worktops were found to be covered in black mould.

The restaurant will be able to reopen when the cockroach, rat, mouse, mould, damp, refrigeration and building structural problems have been addressed.

“My staff are deeply ashamed,” said Tsukutta Namae, the owner of the restaurant. “This is a great dishonour for my workers. They have all since committed harikiri and we hope to reopen shortly with honourable staff.”


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Grey Mondeo Man wrote:

This is appalling. It sounds like the place needs burning down. The current owners certainly shouldn’t be allowed to run restaurants with such a poor regard for hygiene.

👍+17

David Simile the Second replied:

A typically stupid reply from a typically stupid remoaning socialist La**or-supporting woke snowflake. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, you are a blight on society and as such are unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. You lot are supposed to be promoting diversity and yet you want this restaurant closed down? Like all K*ir St*rmer-supporting bum-boys, you are just a stinking racist hypocrite. Hate! Hate!

👍+215

Gonads wrote:

I blame Brexit.

👎-13,476

Boring Welsh Tory wrote:

Lab**r councils have far greater incidences of food hygiene failures than Tory councils. This is because they wish to infect the wealthier, restaurant-going community (who are better off and therefore likely to be Tory voters) with illnesses such as cholera, dysentery, rabies, typhoid and ebola so that they cannot vote in general elections, thus ensuring a Lab**r government. I know this for a fact because I read it on the Internet:

The-GBNews-Book-Of-Far-Right-Fairy-Tales-For-Credulous-Idiots.co.uk

Vaccines for these common diseases also allow left-wing governments to inject citizens with mind-controlling microchips, thus ensuring their continued political hegemony:

Completely-Batshit-American-Conspiracy-Theories.com.

This is why I never go out and have stayed in my Mum’s attic for the past 40 years.

👍+1

Striking workers should get back to work, says Undercover Intellectual

This week, our Undercover Intellectual gives us his balanced and fair view of workers who take industrial action...

Ultra-militant 1970s throwbacks, otherwise known as English “workers”, have been making the lives of the management of local tech company Bastardia miserable for more than 3 months now.

Yes, since December 2023, these avaricious lefty loonies have been holding their bosses to ransom and crippling their factory on a regular basis.

Despite this, every time I see a news item featuring this on-going debacle, at least one or two befuddled members of the public still say that they support the action these leftist idiots are taking.

Now I know they’ve dredged up a number of quibbles and perceived affronts to their sensibilities over this extended period of manufactured mayhem but the main issue has always been contracts of employment.  So how can anyone still be sympathetic to these greedy, blatant money-grubbers?

Workshy socialist scum

They have already turned down having their current employment contracts terminated, and refuse to be put on zero hours contracts at far lower hourly rates. At least they've still got jobs, so why are they whining?  Any sympathy I had for them evaporated an awful long time ago.

Well, I’ve got news for you lily-livered luddites. The rest of us have been on zero-hours contracts for at least 10 years, so you’re long since overdue to get with the times.

And, just when you thought you’d heard it all, they go and find another reason to be disgruntled. This time I’m told they’re up in arms about ‘modern technology’ and are refusing to consider the idea of being replaced by AI-powered robots. Personally I wouldn’t be surprised to hear they want to return to using an abacus!

Could you imagine workers in India or China refusing to be only paid when they are working, or not helping management to replace them with robots? Or wanting job security. Or pensions? Or sick leave? Or safe, hospitable work places?

It’s all “me, me, me”. Never a thought for company shareholders or chief executives.

No wonder the UK isn’t competitive any more!

One of these factory workers lives locally to me. Each time I see him, he seems remarkably upbeat. I can only assume this is for one of two reasons – either the level of his current salary means he can afford to strike for so many days, or the coffers of his union are so large, they can bankroll seemingly endless industrial action.

The thought that he might actually believe in the idea of solidarity with his co-workers, or that his cause is a just one, is completely ridiculous of course!

Whatever the case, when I asked how much longer the action would continue, he confessed he had absolutely no idea - though he did smile and say he’d be hard-pressed to find a job elsewhere.

So, please don’t show these leftie, lazy workshy socialists any more sympathy.

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Chad Grunter wrote:

Striking workers are merely economic terrorists, and should be arrested and treated as such.

👍+457

Grey Mondeo Man replied:

But then they wouldn’t be able to work, would they? Good to see you’re thinking things through as well as you usually do, Chad!

👎-145

David Simile the Second replied:

A typically stupid reply from a typically stupid remoaning socialist La**or-supporting woke snowflake. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, you are a blight on society and as such are unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you tofu-eating, Guardian-reading pillock.

👍+234

Pseudocreem 2 wrote:

Comrades, do not vote in the next elections because all political parties are same. If no-one vote your Tories will boss, which good news for all Russian money in UK and dear Mr. Putin. 

👍+25

DailyMailBob wrote:

The only people to blame are the Union leaders aka the Communist Party workers under the guise of helping their colleagues holding the companies to ransom and the country and the government because they don't like a conservative government I hope all of you who think you will vote Lab**r take note because we won't have a country bankrupt nothing will move nothing will work and everyone will be offered benefits to stay at home and your car will be taken by starmeggedon and the borders along the south coast will be wide open and the Union leaders will be there helping people come into the country illegally with their placards and their flat caps shame on useless unions shame on lab**r voters and before you all start screaming and shouting like lefties do I gave up voting for any politician because they are all corrupt every party every politician every MP corrupted to the core they don't deserve anyone's vote least of all paying subs for Union leaders to go on five star hotel holidays I know all this is true because I read the Daily Mail every day.

👍+378

Chad Grunter replied:

Very well put!

👍+45