Buxley Pub Restaurant awarded Michelin Star

Hedgefunder's Arms: Michelin star

A popular Midway pub restaurant has just been added to the prestigious Michelin Guide.

The Hedgefunder's Arms in rural Buxley on the outskirts of Chattingham opened in September last year and has now been awarded a much-sought Michelin Star by the acclaimed food critics.

The guide entry says: “Built in 1616, the pub was originally named the Black Death. This charming old building was saved from its pubco operators, Nepo Scheame, who wanted to sell it to a nearby vineyard for demolition and turning into a car park. It has now been sympathetically refurbished as an upmarket public house serving excellent real ales, high quality wines and offering a fine dining experience.”

“The restaurant sits in an extension to the main pub and serves local produce. Great wines, also from Kent, are available to pair with your food and, should you wish to grab a drink before dining, the pub itself serves an excellent selection of locally-brewed real ales and ciders.”

Hugo and Annabelle Upwoodly-Mowbyle: no experience

The venue is run by the husband and wife team of Hugo and Annabelle Upwoodly-Mowbyle.

The couple began renovating the grade II-listed building in 2019 after snapping it up for £1.5 million, quitting their hospitality jobs in London.

“We’re super-duper delighted to be running our own lovely little bijou restaurant,” gushed Annabelle Upwoodly-Mowbyle, 22. “We’ve no experience whatsoever of anything like this, or indeed of anything at all, but Mummy and Daddy have lots of money and know all of the right people. They can afford to hire us all the top chefs and managers and other minions we need, meaning our little business is off to a flying start.”

”All of Mummy and Daddy’s rich friends come here, along with our chums from the City, and so we’re fully booked for the next six months. It’s all going so swimmingly, OK yaaaah!” 

 

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Kent’s Greatest Prick Ever wrote:

This sounds like a splendid place for a rich person like myself. The Michelin Star should keep the prices high and the riff-raff away.

👍+63

Gonads wrote: 

Another local’s pub bought up by well-off DFLs and then turned into a swanky eatery that only well-off DFLs would want to visit. Still, at least Nepo Scheame didn’t get to turn it into a housing development like they are doing with all their other local pubs.

👍+78

Pauline On Politics: This Week - Climate Change

It’s time for a bit more gammon-pleasing click-bait, so once again our political editor Pauline Popkins gives us her fearless and in-depth insights into matters of national concern.

This week: Climate Change.

So, we’ve seen record temperatures around the world in 2023.

Sea temperatures are rising far faster than even the most pessimistic climate change scientists have predicted.

The polar ice caps are melting away at an unprecedented rate.

Extreme weather world-wide now seems to be the norm. Hurricanes, typhoon, drought and flooding are all more intense and more prolonged than at any other time in human history.

The poorest people in the world are living in the planet’s most environmentally sensitive areas and are destroying them to survive.

We’re filling the world’s rivers and seas with toxic waste and poisoning the land as well.

WHO CARES? WE LIVE IN ENGLAND!! WE GET WEATHER, NOT “CLIMATE CHANGE”, STOOPID!!

“Climate Change” is just a bunch of LEFTIE SOCIALIST LIES, made up by leftie socialist scientists who want to destroy all industry and force us all to live in BEARDY-WEIRDIE COMMUNES.

Even that last bastion of truth and common sense, the Daily Mail, has been pushing that woke, lefty, climate-change agenda. Only recently, it quoted some “experts” as saying that Kent’s coastal sea levels are rising and much of the county will be underwater by 2050.

As that great thinker Michael Gove once said, “we’re all tired of hearing from experts”.

SPOT ON, MIKEY!! WHAT DO EXPERTS KNOW?   EH?   EH???

OK, so I’ve taken a load of typically lazy Daily Mail misrepresentations of scientific opinion and then just attacked their misrepresentations. SO WHAT?!  That’s what being a right-wing journalist is all about, isn’t it?

BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW WHAT “CLIMATE CHANGE” IN SOUTHERN ENGLAND IS REALLY BEING CAUSED BY, DON’T WE?     EH??     EH???

THAT'S RIGHT!!!!  IMMIGRANTS!!!  IN BOATS!!!

It’s the SHEER WEIGHT of the numbers of ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS coming into Kent that’s causing the coast to sink so that it FLOODS!!! MILLIONS OF IMMIGRANTS crammed together in five star hotels and detached houses and luxury barges heating the air and CAUSING GLOBAL TEMPERATURES TO RISE!! All of them, breathing in our English oxygen and PUMPING OUT ISLAMIC CARBON DIOXIDE and CAUSING GLOBAL WARMING!!!

IT’S THE DISPLACEMENT CAUSED BY BILLIONS OF SMALL BOATS CROSSING THE CHANNEL EVERY DAY THAT IS CAUSING ENGLISH SEA LEVELS TO RISE!!!

TRILLIONS OF ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS!!! AND THEY ARE ALL USING TOILETS!!! NO WONDER OUR SEAS AND RIVERS ARE FULL OF SEWAGE!!!

I blame K*ir Starm*r and his bunch of Lab**r socialist snowflake cronies.  What are they doing about the UK’s problems, eh?  NOTHING, AS USUAL.  Just opposing everything.  Always saying “NO!!!”  HATE! HATE!! HATE!!!  BASTARDS!!!!

Deep state communist civil servants left-wing investment bankers bring back Liz wibble wibble evil BBC socialist London metropolitan elite gibber gibber STOP RINGING THOSE BELLS STOP RINGING THOSE BELLS bloody LBGT Guardian-reading tofu-eating wokerati…

There’s only one answer to global warming. ROUND UP ALL THE IMMIGRANTS AND DEPORT THEM ALL TO RWANDA that’s the only language these Islamic Jihadi fifth-columnists understand meep meep bleep whirrr HANDS UP MR. BOSUN I’LL HAVE THE LITTLE BLUE BILLYGOAT bibble babble bobble I SEE A LITTLE SILHOUETTO OF A MAN SCARAMOUCHE SCARAMOUCHE CAN YOU DO THE FANDANGOOOOH MY GOD my brain’s exploded!!!!

 

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David Simile the Second wrote:

Another clear-sighted and brilliant summary of the number one problem facing the UK today. And yet no-one is listening to us, Pauline. Liz Truss is absolutely right about the communist Deep State and its woke, far-left, anti-UK agenda.

👍+157

Kent’s Greatest Prick Ever wrote:

I really cannot see what all of the fuss is about “global warming”. My mansion and my Range Rover are both air-conditioned, after all. As for droughts or water shortages, my swimming pool is always full and I instruct my gardening staff to just ignore any woke, leftist nonsense such as hose pipe bans. Climate change does not affect me in any way, and so it therefore does not exist in my opinion.

👍+63

Boring Welsh Tory wrote:

Climate change is a myth promoted by left-wing political activists intent on bringing down our wonderful fossil fuel industry in order to impose their own communist utopia. I know that because I read about it on the Internet.:
The-Elsevier-Book-Of-Right-Wing-Conspiracy-Theories-co.uk

Global temperatures are, in fact, falling and the polar ice caps are growing at an alarming rate
Made-up-climate-data-produced-by-fossil-fuel-companies that-only-dopey-welshsters-believe.co.uk

I live in Wales and whenever I look out of the window of my Mum’s attic where I’ve lived for the past forty years, it’s still raining. That proves that climate isn’t changing.
My-sad-lived-experience-is-universally-applicable.com

👍+1

Gonads replied:

Try Googling “sad, pompous, boring, know-all”. It’ll be like looking in a mirror.

👍+162 

Pseudocreem 2 wrote:

Comrades, do not vote in the next elections because all political parties are all same. If no-one vote then Tories will be boss again which good news for all Russian oligarchs hiding money in UK and dear Mr. Putin.

👍+43

Chattingham Mum-Of-Six Stole Booze To Top Up Benefits

Stock photo of magistrate's court

A Chattingham woman who stole more than £500 worth of alcohol from Waitrose claimed she was desperate for cash because her benefits weren’t enough to feed and clothe her six children.

Mandy Gormless, who had twice been spared punishment for previous shoplifting offences, swiped expensive high-end spirits during three separate raids at the posh retailer’s Chattingham store.

The 22-year-old told magistrates she had been forced to turn to crime as her benefits money did not stretch to looking after her booze, fags and socialising as well as looking after her children.

Mandy Gormless: stole booze

Defence lawyers pleaded Gormless’s case as she appeared in the dock in Chattingham last Wednesday and admitted three counts of shoplifting.

Solicitor Sally Righteous, who said her client only drinks lager, told the bench: “She took bottles of brandy and whisky to sell them to get some money.”

“Someone suggested to her it that is was easier to nick bottles of spirits to sell on, rather than bulky cans of lager to drink herself”.

“My client also has a junk food addition and repeatedly suffers from PTSD.”

The court was told Ms. Gormless first stole from the store on October 23 last year, leaving with £200’s worth of alcohol concealed in bags.

Three days later she made off with a haul worth £250, and the following day was back again to snatch more booze totalling £120.

She was identified and caught after being spotted on CCTV.

Karl Knacker, prosecuting, told the bench Ms. Gormless had already been given a caution for shoplifting in 2017, and later the same year committed a similar offence and found herself in the dock. However, she was again spared punishment, leaving the court with a 12-month conditional discharge.

But magistrates this month were just as lenient, despite telling Ms. Gormless her financial and personal difficulties gave her no right to steal.

They ordered her to pay Waitrose £550 compensation for the stolen alcohol, which was never recovered. Gormless agreed to pay the money back at £20 a month.

She must also attend 25 rehabilitation sessions with probation as part of a 12-month community order.

Afterwards, Ms. Gormless said, “Har har, I got away with it again. ‘Course, I won’t be paying any money back or goin’ to any stupid school classes, will I? So it’s down the pub to celebrate. Can you lend me twenty quid?  I’ll pay you back with a couple of bottles of brandy right after I’ve been to Waitrose again…”


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Kent’s Greatest Prick Ever wrote:

I found this story rather shocking. I am indeed shocked to find out that somewhere as revoltingly lower-class as Chattingham actually has a Waitrose. I thought that Waitrose was supposed to be a more refined outlet and it is disappointing to know that they have obviously lowered their standards to cater for such a plebeian town as Chattingham.

👍+63

Chad Grunter wrote:

Looks like a typical self-entitled scrounging lazy La**ur voter to me. Lose some weight, stop knocking out sprogs and try getting a job instead.

👍+157

Boat Race Interrupted By Anti-Immigrant Protest

The River Midway

Midway’s traditional Easter Monday boat race between Stroochester Grammar school and Chattingham Academy was declared a draw as in the end, neither team were able to propel their boats through the solid crust of raw sewage that has formed on the River Midway.  

“We had to give up and carry the boats over the top of dried-out and compacted mass of turds that was once the River Midway,” said the Stroochester cox Rupert Posshe-Buoye.

“Row, row, row your boat, gently through the pee, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, look, there’s Stevie B…”

At one point, the event was interrupted by an anti-immigration protest.

“We’re gonna Stop Der Boats, just like Rishi wants to,” said a StopDerBoats campaign spokesman, “and we’re not gonna let any leftist, woke Lab**rite tell us that these boats are different.”

“We believe in freedom of speech in this country, including the freedom to make ourselves look like thick, racist dick-heads if we want to. And talking of freedom of speech, don’t you go calling our far-right group a far-right group, or we’ll sue you…”

Others suggested that the race being abandoned due to the pollution in the river was a national disgrace and have held the privatised water companies responsible. Thames Water reacted strongly to this criticism, however.

“We are working as hard as we can to ensure that a steady stream of clean money is reaching our shareholders and executives,” said a Thames Water spokesman today.  “We have even borrowed £18 billion so far, to ensure that dividends flow to our shareholders.”

“We can’t allow lesser priorities, like investing in adequate waste treatment facilities to keep our rivers clean or stopping our pipes leaking, to get in the way of keeping our overseas investors happy.”

“So if you want clean rivers and clean drinking water, you mug punter customers are going to have to pay up, because there’s no way we’re cutting share dividends or executive bonuses.”

“And anyway, even if we could build all the treatment works we need, we couldn’t bloody run them because bloody Brexit means we can’t import the water treatment chemicals we need, not that we’re allowed to tell you that but we’re fed up with getting slagged off for yet another Tory f*ck up…”

Kylie Trollhouse: Tory turds

Stroochester Kylie Trollhouse also waded in on the debate.  “So yes, the Tories did vote in Parliament to allow water companies to fill our rivers with turds, but that’s all the fault of Midway’s Lab**r council, of course. And as for blaming Brexit, everyone knows Brexit has been a huge success, even though I campaigned against it.”

“We know Brexit is brilliant because our wonderful Secretary of State for Business and Trade Kemi Badenoch has told us so and she would never lie, would she? Anyone who says that Brexit is a disaster is just another member of the London metropolitan elite, whatever that means.”

“Vote Tory for more turds in your rivers… 

Former Journalist Acquitted Of Drink-Driving Charges

Stock photo of magistrate's court

Former journalist Sir Christopher Belcher and his wife were today acquitted of all charges related to two separate drink-driving incidents last month.

Sir Christopher Belcher

In one incident, Sir Christopher had been pulled over after driving at over 120mph on the M234 and attempting to evade pursuing police cars. A few days later, he drove his car through a shop window in Halliton.

In both cases, he was breathalysed and found to be four times the drink-driving limit. His wife, Lady Nadine Belcher, was also accused of assault and resisting arrest, biting a police officer on one occasion and having to be forcibly restrained from doing so on another.

Sir Christopher was knighted for his services to journalism in 1982 but has since retired, his work now being confined to occasional freelance work for local newspapers.

Lady Nadine Belcher

Speaking on Sir Christopher’s behalf in Chattingham magistrate’s court, his lawyer stated that Sir Christopher was a notable benefactor of his local community, a donor to the Conservative Party and also Grand Master of his local freemason’s lodge, whose members (as he reminded the magistrates) comprise of the local Chief Constable, several senior Conservative politicians and also the magistrates currently sitting on the bench before them.

After a brief discussion, the magistrates agreed to dismiss all charges, expressing surprise that they had been brought at all given the circumstances. On an unrelated note, they also said that they “would be seeing Sir Christopher in the Lodge for drinkies tonight as usual.”

“We trust that the prompt action taken by Midway’s police officers will serve as a deterrent to all would-be drink-drivers,” said a Midway police spokesman afterwards, “unless, of course, you have all of the right connections in which case, it’s ‘Get Out Of Jail Free”…”


Comments: 

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Kent’s Greatest Prick Ever wrote:

It is reassuring to see that the British justice system is still capable of making common-sense judgements in the face of increasingly woke, snowflake leftism. If rich and well-connected people such as Sir Christopher and myself were to be held to the same laws as the common peasantry, then society as we know it would cease to function. What is the point of privilege if the law of the land is applied to rich people? Fortunately, we have a government that fully understands this basic tenet of English society.

👍+34

Grey Mondeo Man wrote:

This is an appalling miscarriage of justice. It just goes to show that rich and well-connected people can do exactly what they like in today’s Tory-dominated society, without fear of any consequences.

👎-200

Kent’s Greatest Prick Ever replied:

Of course it does, you silly boy. The sooner you grow up and learn that “privilege” means exactly that, the happier your betters will be.

👍+365

          David Simile the Second replied:

A typically stupid reply from Gay Morono Man, a typically stupid remoaning socialist La**or-supporting woke snowflake. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, he is a blight on society and as such is unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you K**r S**rmer bum-boy.

👍+234

Pseudocreem 2 wrote:

Comrades, do not vote in next elections because all political parties are the same. If no-one vote your Tories will boss, which good news for all big Russian money in UK and dear Mr. Putin.

👍+12

Pope Confirms Midway MP To Become Saint

Chattingham MP Trixie Squatt

A spokesman for the Vatican today announced that Trixie Squatt, Conservative MP for Chattingham and who is not contesting her seat at the next election, is to be canonised and will be made a saint by the Pope. 

“We know that it is normal practice to not  canonise someone until after they have died, but Ms. Squatt really is an exception,” the spokesman said.

“You need evidence of the performance of miracles and Ms. Squatt offers unimpeachable qualifications in that respect."

"I mean, forget all that stuff about parting the Red Sea, walking on water or feeding the five thousand. Trixie Squatt is a POPULAR Tory MP!"

"And she isn’t just lobby fodder or taking questionable donations like most of her mob. That really IS miraculous…” 

MP Kylie Trollhouse; Not fair...

“Huh!” said fellow local Tory MP Kylie Trollhouse. “I’ve been Stroochester’s MP for the past ten years, keeping my head down, not rocking the boat, taking tens of thousands of pounds from anonymous donors and doing just what I’m told to by Tory head office, yet I haven’t even been offered a lousy peerage, let alone sainthood”. 

“It’s not fair! I blame Midway’s Lab**r Council, of course…”

 

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The MORON To Become A Serious Local News Site.

Sir Paul Mental: MORON supremo

MORON boss Sir Paul Mental today announced that the Midway Online Review Of News was planning to change its editorial approach. 

“At the moment, the MORON’s editorial stance is designed to reflect the values of our core readership,” said Sir Paul, “which consists of xenophobic, racist pensioners, rabid right-wing conspiracy theorists, shit-thick Brexit voters who still reckon that Brexit was a good idea and well-off, smug Tory freemason types who are too stupid or lazy to get their opinions from anywhere else,” he explained. 

“Our old staples of advertorials for chain stores, big pubcos and national junk food outlets, click-bait that gives publicity to Tory distraction issues like the ULEZ, "Immigrants" and culture wars, along with generic reviews of local fast-food restaurants and pubs owned by our paid subscribers, are all looking a bit out-of-date given the current mood of the country,” Sir Paul added. 

“We at the MORON are therefore looking to hire some decent journalists, stop parroting the culture wars rubbish and other disinformation put out by Conservative head office, and look to report some actual local news.” 

The readership is reported to be unhappy with these changes. 

“I want hate, culture wars and Lab**r- bashing,” said regular reader David Simile, “not this woke, truthful rubbish. Like all Tory pensioners, I want news that just confirms what I already believe, not factual reporting.” 

“Ha, ha,” replied Sir Paul. “April Fool!” 

“Don’t worry, it’ll still be right-wing bollocks and local, low-quality trivia as usual here at the MORON…

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