The Uncover Imbiber Reviews The Homeward Belle at Halliton

Driving through the rather nondescript little riverside village of Halliton, Mrs. U.I and I espied the Homeward Belle public house, so we decided to investigate. Pulling into the car park, we disembarked from our recently-restored trusty Audi and made for the front door. The car park seemed rather empty for a sunny Monday afternoon and indeed, a tug on the pub entrance failed to secure us access.

Stock photo of pub.

It was now 12.30 and as Mrs. U.I. tends to get rather tetchy without a large glass or three of Pinot Noir to calm her lunchtime nerves, I knocked loudly on the door. After a few hefty blows, it was eventually opened by a middle-aged woman who did not look at all happy to see us.

Undeterred, we attempted to go inside but the harridan (who we were to learn later was the landlady) barred our way. “I’m very sorry, but we don’t open until four o’clock on a Monday”, she informed us, somewhat angrily it has to be said.

“That’s all well and good,” I replied, unimpressed by her less-than-friendly welcome, “but I require a pint of your finest real ale and my wife is in desperate need of a large glass of Pinot Noir”.

“Well sir, I’d be happy to oblige you if we were open, but we aren’t,” said the harridan. “If you are that desperate for a drink, can I suggest you try the mini-market over the road? Now do excuse me.”  And with that, the wretched woman closed the door in our faces!

Non-plussed by this monumental display of rudeness, I noticed with concern that Mrs. U.I.’s eyes were now starting to revolve, a sure sign than a remedial shot or two of Pinot Noir was required.

Stock photo of cans of beer

We therefore took up the harridan’s suggestion and ventured into the Halliton MiniMart, where we purchased three boxes of Pinot Noir for Mrs. U.I. for which she was most grateful. To satisfy my own thirst, I chose to avail myself of two six-packs of Tolhurst’s Businessfore Extra, an opaque and rather rich concoction that certainly greases the wheels, and which was also on a “buy one, get one free’ offer that represented excellent value!

As it was a pleasant spring day, we decided to wander down to the riverside to enjoy our purchases, resolving to return to the Homeward Belle at its appointed opening time, despite our initial disappointment.

Stock photo of wine in a box

Time passed. Mrs. U.I. made short work of her Pinot Noir purchases in her usual efficient fashion, being subsequently lulled into a gentle doze by the warm spring sunshine. By now, the local school had obviously released its compliment of children, who were rather strange, being telepathic and identical, all with pale blond hair and golden eyes. They regarded the loudly-snoring Mrs. U.I., now recumbent on her park bench, with a mixture of obvious trepidation and pity.

Having finished the last of my own beverages, I looked in vain for the local “facilities”, which alas, were sadly lacking. As the call of nature was now becoming an irresistible clamour, I therefore decided to relieve myself through the riverside railings, thus adding to the considerable outgoing tide, much to the amusement of the aforementioned local schoolchildren.

Men's toilets, Homeward Belle

This simple and perfectly natural act unfortunately attracted the attention of one of His Majesty’s Constabulary however, who then attempted to issue me with something called a “Fixed Penalty Notice”! After some discussion, I eventually gave him my personal details but informed him in no uncertain terms that I would be happy to challenge his impertinence in the Magistrate’s Court, where my long friendship with his Chief Constable (not to mention most of the local magistrates!) would undoubtedly lead to my exoneration.

Ladies Toilets, Homeward Belle

After this interlude, I returned to find that Mrs. U.I. had awoken from her slumber and had wandered off. Her whereabouts were soon revealed when a loud stream of rather “salty” language emerged from a nearby clump of bushes. It seems that Mrs U.I. had also needed to avail herself of the local facilities, but in her somewhat befuddled state had unfortunately mistaken some nettles for dock leaves!

Once order was restored, we decided to return to the Homeward Belle. This time, the door was open and we ventured inside. It has to be said that the décor was somewhat basic, consisting of plastic chairs arranged in rows around the rather stark white walls. The cheerless atmosphere was rather redolent of a doctor’s surgery, but fortunately the bar appeared to be staffed by two young ladies, one of whom unfortunately seemed too preoccupied with her telephone call to pay any heed to me

Finally attracting the attention of her colleague, I announced that I would like a pint of her best real ale, with a large glass of Pinot Noir for my once-more recumbent wife.

Bar of Homeward Belle

“I’m sorry, sir, this is a doctor’s surgery, not a pub,” the erstwhile barmaid informed me, rather tersely. “The pub is on the other side of the road, although I would strongly suggest that neither of you have any more to drink…”

Ignoring her impertinence, I told her to mind her own business, steering the somewhat disorientated Mrs U.I. out of what I now realised was indeed a doctor’s surgery, and thence down the road to the Homeward Belle.

Here, sadly, the welcome was once more far from congenial, the landlady refusing to serve us as, in her words, “You two piss-heads have had enough. Clear off before I call the Old Bill.”

And so, somewhat disappointed with our experience, we climbed into our trusty Audi and (somewhat cautiously) made our way home.

So, in summary, here’s my thoughts on Halliton’s Homeward Belle:

Decor: **        Clean, but rather stark and totally without atmosphere, rather reminiscent of a doctor’s surgery.

Food: **         The pork pies and crisps from the local mini-market were basic but perfectly adequate.

Drink: ***       An acceptable selection, given the circumstances.

Price: ****     The boxes of Pinot Noir and cans of Tolhurst’s Businessfore Extra were very competitively priced and certainly made sure that it was “mission accomplished!”

Staff: *             Other than the friendly chap in the mini-mart, I have to say that seldom have I come across a more surly, rude and disobliging collection of serving staff in my life!

Toilets: **       Crude but very fresh and open, although Mrs. U.I.’s lack of basic botany skills did cause her some anguish at the time!


Comments:

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Grey Mondeo Man wrote: 

Yet more completely pointless drivel from U.I. Like a couple of old alkies, the two of them just sat on a park bench and got hammered. How on earth does this make for a review of (this comment has been edited for brevity. Ed.)

👎-3000

Uncover Imbiber replied: 

As you can see from both the reaction to your intemperate comment and the favourable and completely independent responses from my admirers below, your opinion is very much in the minority. If do not like my output, please feel free to pass it by!

👍+3000

Art. E. Fishall wrote: 

I think these reviews are excellent and very funny.

👍+400

Clint Elligence wrote: 

I think these reviews are excellent and very funny.

👍+400

A Staffer wrote: 

I think these reviews are excellent and very funny.

👍+400

Mrs U.I. wrote: 

My bum still hurts yor my bes mate you are I luv you bruv hic

👍+187

Gonads wrote: 

Brexit makes things worse. Though nothing could be worse than these “reviews”.

👎-245