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| The Hedgefunder's Arms at Buxley |
Navigating the dark country lanes in the far-flung rural
outskirts of Chattingham, our trusty Audi soon found its way to the charming
little village of Buxley where the soft, welcoming glow of the lights of the Hedgefunders Arms were a welcome sight
in the fading early Spring twilight.
Newly refurbished, its restaurant allegedly offers a fine dining experience
that had recently been found worthy of a Michelin Star, whilst the pub itself
still retains the rustic charm of an old Kentish country village local.
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| Stock image of pub bar |
Once inside, we were immediately greeted by a lovely waitress who confirmed our
booking (which is an absolute must if you are planning to dine here) and showed
us to a table on the right hand side of the bar. A log fire had been lit and
bathed the tastefully decorated bar area in a cheerful glow, as well as
providing comforting warmth on a chilly evening.
There were a good selection of beers on offer and I decided to start with a
pint or four of the Symond’s Special Delight, a fruity concoction with a strong
hint of nuttiness and a good head that is deeply satisfying (as a
former Prime Minister will testify, so I am told!) Mrs U.I. chose her usual large Pinot Noir.
The bar area was populated by a variety of people, some obviously local and
some, like ourselves, obviously drawn from further afield by the promise of a
culinary experience. There was a friendly feel about the place, with quiet
conversation being masked but not drowned out by gentle background music.
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| Stock image of pints of beer |
Having drunk our “appetisers”, we were now decidedly peckish. The lovely
waitress took us through into the restaurant area, which was a spacious yet
seamless addition to the main pub, housing nearly two dozen tables in an
exquisitely clean yet comfortable and tastefully furnished dining room.
As is to be expected, the menu offered an exceptional choice of unusual
starters.
I chose the Foie gra with rhubarb and duck breast, whilst Mrs. U.I. went for
the Bouillabaisse with cock crab and poached lobster, along with a couple of bottles of
Simpson’s Wine Estate Q Class Pinot Noir 2020 (a snip at £120 a bottle).
These arrived promptly and proved to be an absolute delight, richly flavoured
and yet light enough not to spoil what was yet to come in terms of the
hoped-for gastronomic delights of the main course.
For this, I chose the beef fillet with marrow bones, oyster sabayon and girolle
mushrooms, whilst Mrs. U.I. opted for the soy and butter poached halibut with
pickled apple and smoked eel, along with another bottle of the Simpson’s Pinot
Noir.
These proved to be excellent, the beef fillet cooked perfectly rare and yet
soft, cutting at the lightest touch. Mrs. U.I. was also in raptures with her halibut
and its piquant sauce.
And whilst both the quality and quantity of the food so far had left us
delightfully sated, we felt we simply had to sample the desserts.
After careful consideration, I selected the dark chocolate cylinder with smoked
hazelnut praline and salted milk ice cream, whilst Mrs. U.I. decided upon the aerated
elderflower parfait with strawberry gel and glaze sablé Breton along with (you
guessed it) another bottle or two of the Simpson’s Pinot Noir.
The desserts, as with the preceding delights, proved to be utterly delicious.
Completely delighted and satisfied by our magnificent food and excellent drinks,
we declined the offer of coffee and retired to the bar for one last tipple
before we settled our account and made our way home.
Unfortunately, what had been a perfect evening took an unpleasant and rather
ugly turn. When I went to negotiate appropriate recompense for our feast, the
waitress declined to accept my
MORON
staff card and a promise of a superb review as adequate payment for our not
inconsiderable bill.
I naturally demanded to speak to the manager, who promptly appeared. He was a
young but gargantuan chap, a product of university rugby so I understand, and
was no more amenable to literary recompense than his lackey.
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| Stock image of pub toilet |
Mrs. U. I. and I therefore decided that this was an appropriate time to visit
the facilities. These, I am pleased to report, were fresh and spotlessly clean,
in keeping with the rest of the establishment. On a less agreeable note, the
windows were also too narrow and high-up to facilitate “doing a runner”.
In the Ladies Room, however, this fenestral arrangement did not deter a somewhat
befuddled Mrs. U.I. from attempting an escape, leading to her becoming somewhat
embarrassingly wedged halfway out of a window. A stream of somewhat “salty”
language drew eventual assistance from the restaurant staff, who prised Mrs. U.
I. from the casement whilst I grudgingly handed over my credit card to the
ape-like manager for payment.
Needless to say, I did not leave a tip.
My overall impressions of our miserable visit to the “one-star”
Hedgefunders Arms are thus summarised
below:
Decor:
⁕
A typical, charming
Kent pub, clean and tastefully
decorated. I was particularly taken by the oaken roof beams and undulating wooden
floor that perfectly demonstrated the age of this ancient country hostelry.
However, all of this was spoiled by being expected to pay for my food and
drink.
Drink:
⁕
Hard to fault with a great
selection of decent beers and fine wines on offer. However, as the insolent
staff insisted that I pay for them, it rather spoiled the experience.
Price:
⁕ As a highly respected, much-admired
bon-viveur and well-known pub and restaurant reviewer, it was utterly disgraceful
that I was expected to pay for our food and drinks.
Food:
⁕
Exceptional, everything you might expect from a Michelin-starred
restaurant and more, but utterly ruined by having to pay for it.
Staff:
⁕ A wonderfully warm welcome and just the
right level of attentive service from busy, cheery waitresses, only to be
completely ruined by their hostile, slovenly arrogance in demanding that I pay
for all of our food and drink, which I expect to be “on the house” if they want
a decent review.
Comments:
Please note that we do not moderate
comments. However, we may edit or delete them, or manipulate the voting on them
in order to reflect our editorial policy.
Grey Mondeo Man wrote:
Yet another “review” decided only by the amount of freebies the author could
blag, which he failed to do so here, hence the “one star” scores for what
appears to be an otherwise excellent pub restaurant. These aren’t “reviews”,
these are just sops to the author’s monstrous ego and as such are a complete
and utter (this comment has been edited
for reasons of brevity – Ed.)
👎👎👎-1000
David Simile the Second replied:
A typically stupid reply from a typically stupid remoaning socialist
La**or-supporting woke snowflake. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, you are
a blight on society and as such are unable to hold any sort of discussion
without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you
tofu-eating, Guardian-reading pillock.
👍+234
Uncover Imbiber replied:
As you can see from both the
reaction to your intemperate comment and the favourable and completely
independent responses from the considerable number of my admirers below, your
opinion is very much in the minority. If do not like my output, please feel free
to pass it by!
👍👍👍+3000
Art. E. Fishall wrote:
I think these
reviews are excellent and very funny.
👍👍+1000
Clint Elligence
wrote:
I think these
reviews are excellent and very funny.
👍👍+1000
A Staffer wrote:
I think these reviews are excellent and very funny.
👍👍+1000
A Notherstaffer wrote:
I think these reviews are excellent and very funny.
👍👍+1000
Mrs U.I. wrote:
I got stuck in the bog window tee hee hee yor my bes mate
you are I luv you bruv hic
👍+187
