The Undercover Imbiber Reviews The Hedgefunder's Arms At Buxley

The Hedgefunder's Arms at Buxley

Navigating the dark country lanes in the far-flung rural outskirts of Chattingham, our trusty Audi soon found its way to the charming little village of Buxley where the soft, welcoming glow of the lights of the Hedgefunders Arms were a welcome sight in the fading early Spring twilight.

Newly refurbished, its restaurant allegedly offers a fine dining experience that had recently been found worthy of a Michelin Star, whilst the pub itself still retains the rustic charm of an old Kentish country village local.

Stock image of pub bar

Once inside, we were immediately greeted by a lovely waitress who confirmed our booking (which is an absolute must if you are planning to dine here) and showed us to a table on the right hand side of the bar. A log fire had been lit and bathed the tastefully decorated bar area in a cheerful glow, as well as providing comforting warmth on a chilly evening.

There were a good selection of beers on offer and I decided to start with a pint or four of the Symond’s Special Delight, a fruity concoction with a strong hint of nuttiness and a good head that is deeply satisfying (as a former Prime Minister will testify, so I am told!) Mrs U.I. chose her usual large Pinot Noir.

The bar area was populated by a variety of people, some obviously local and some, like ourselves, obviously drawn from further afield by the promise of a culinary experience. There was a friendly feel about the place, with quiet conversation being masked but not drowned out by gentle background music.

Stock image of pints of beer

Having drunk our “appetisers”, we were now decidedly peckish. The lovely waitress took us through into the restaurant area, which was a spacious yet seamless addition to the main pub, housing nearly two dozen tables in an exquisitely clean yet comfortable and tastefully furnished dining room.

As is to be expected, the menu offered an exceptional choice of unusual starters.

I chose the Foie gra with rhubarb and duck breast, whilst Mrs. U.I. went for the Bouillabaisse with cock crab and poached lobster, along with a couple of bottles of Simpson’s Wine Estate Q Class Pinot Noir 2020 (a snip at £120 a bottle).

These arrived promptly and proved to be an absolute delight, richly flavoured and yet light enough not to spoil what was yet to come in terms of the hoped-for gastronomic delights of the main course.

For this, I chose the beef fillet with marrow bones, oyster sabayon and girolle mushrooms, whilst Mrs. U.I. opted for the soy and butter poached halibut with pickled apple and smoked eel, along with another bottle of the Simpson’s Pinot Noir.

These proved to be excellent, the beef fillet cooked perfectly rare and yet soft, cutting at the lightest touch. Mrs. U.I. was also in raptures with her halibut and its piquant sauce.

And whilst both the quality and quantity of the food so far had left us delightfully sated, we felt we simply had to sample the desserts.

After careful consideration, I selected the dark chocolate cylinder with smoked hazelnut praline and salted milk ice cream, whilst Mrs. U.I. decided upon the aerated elderflower parfait with strawberry gel and glaze sablé Breton along with (you guessed it) another bottle or two of the Simpson’s Pinot Noir.

The desserts, as with the preceding delights, proved to be utterly delicious.

Completely delighted and satisfied by our magnificent food and excellent drinks, we declined the offer of coffee and retired to the bar for one last tipple before we settled our account and made our way home.

Unfortunately, what had been a perfect evening took an unpleasant and rather ugly turn. When I went to negotiate appropriate recompense for our feast, the waitress declined to accept my MORON staff card and a promise of a superb review as adequate payment for our not inconsiderable bill.

I naturally demanded to speak to the manager, who promptly appeared. He was a young but gargantuan chap, a product of university rugby so I understand, and was no more amenable to literary recompense than his lackey.

Stock image of pub toilet

Mrs. U. I. and I therefore decided that this was an appropriate time to visit the facilities. These, I am pleased to report, were fresh and spotlessly clean, in keeping with the rest of the establishment. On a less agreeable note, the windows were also too narrow and high-up to facilitate “doing a runner”.

In the Ladies Room, however, this fenestral arrangement did not deter a somewhat befuddled Mrs. U.I. from attempting an escape, leading to her becoming somewhat embarrassingly wedged halfway out of a window. A stream of somewhat “salty” language drew eventual assistance from the restaurant staff, who prised Mrs. U. I. from the casement whilst I grudgingly handed over my credit card to the ape-like manager for payment.

Needless to say, I did not leave a tip.

My overall impressions of our miserable visit to the “one-star” Hedgefunders Arms are thus summarised below:

Decor: ⁕    A typical, charming Kent pub, clean and tastefully decorated. I was particularly taken by the oaken roof beams and undulating wooden floor that perfectly demonstrated the age of this ancient country hostelry. However, all of this was spoiled by being expected to pay for my food and drink.

Drink: ⁕    Hard to fault with a great selection of decent beers and fine wines on offer. However, as the insolent staff insisted that I pay for them, it rather spoiled the experience.

Price: ⁕     As a highly respected, much-admired bon-viveur and well-known pub and restaurant reviewer, it was utterly disgraceful that I was expected to pay for our food and drinks.

Food: ⁕     Exceptional, everything you might expect from a Michelin-starred restaurant and more, but utterly ruined by having to pay for it.

Staff: ⁕     A wonderfully warm welcome and just the right level of attentive service from busy, cheery waitresses, only to be completely ruined by their hostile, slovenly arrogance in demanding that I pay for all of our food and drink, which I expect to be “on the house” if they want a decent review. 

 

Comments:

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Grey Mondeo Man wrote:

Yet another “review” decided only by the amount of freebies the author could blag, which he failed to do so here, hence the “one star” scores for what appears to be an otherwise excellent pub restaurant. These aren’t “reviews”, these are just sops to the author’s monstrous ego and as such are a complete and utter (this comment has been edited for reasons of brevity – Ed.)

👎👎👎-1000

David Simile the Second replied:

A typically stupid reply from a typically stupid remoaning socialist La**or-supporting woke snowflake. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, you are a blight on society and as such are unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you tofu-eating, Guardian-reading pillock.

👍+234

Uncover Imbiber replied: 

As you can see from both the reaction to your intemperate comment and the favourable and completely independent responses from the considerable number of my admirers below, your opinion is very much in the minority. If do not like my output, please feel free to pass it by!

👍👍👍+3000

Art. E. Fishall wrote: 

I think these reviews are excellent and very funny.

👍👍+1000

Clint Elligence wrote: 

I think these reviews are excellent and very funny.

👍👍+1000

A Staffer wrote: 

I think these reviews are excellent and very funny.

👍👍+1000

A Notherstaffer wrote: 

I think these reviews are excellent and very funny.

👍👍+1000

Mrs U.I. wrote: 

I got stuck in the bog window tee hee hee yor my bes mate you are I luv you bruv hic

👍+187