Gargoyle Spouts Off Again

We just can't get enough of Gargoyle...

Niglet the Gargoyle today presented his proposed “contract” with the UK electorate, as part of the Really Extreme Far-Out Rightwing Maniacs UK PLC™©® Party election campaign. In front of cheering crowds of journalists from the BBC, ITN, Channel 4 and all UK newspapers, he announced his company’s policies.

“This isn’t a manifesto,” the gargoyle pointed out, “it’s a contract. My “party” isn’t a political party, it’s a private company run solely by me. I can make the rules and hire and fire its officials just as I please, with none of this leftie, woke democracy nonsense to stop me.”

“Other parties just make promises and tell lies in their manifestos, but in my contract I can make huge promises and tell massive lies, secure in the knowledge that I will never ever get elected. People love being lied to in the UK. The bigger the lies, they more they like them. That’s the only way to explain the last 14 years of politics in the UK. And the Daily Mail.”

We're only making plans for Gargoyle...

“And anyway, like all contracts, the small print will save us from actually having to deliver anything at all, and it’ll all be legal.”

“I know many people are concerned about the state of the NHS. That why I’m proposing to sell it to my chums in the United States, because we all know that privatisation of the UK’s public services has been a huge success, just like Brexit. Everyone will need health insurance and if you can’t afford it, well, serve you right for being poor.”

“We understand that many people in the UK are concerned about poverty. That’s why we’re going to make being poor illegal. We’re going to bring back workhouses and chain gangs. That’ll sort out the pot-holes in the roads and keep the streets and the chimneys clean whilst getting value for money from all of those illegal immigrant benefit scroungers you read about in the Daily Mail.”

Don'cha just love that gargoyle...?

“We’re going to make this country a great democracy once more. They’ll be none of this political correctness or woke nonsense, or even standards of truth or decency any more. We’re going to scrap the licence fee, get rid of the BBC, and replace it with a politically independent channel like GBNews. People will be free to say and write and protest about anything they like, provided I approve of it. And if I don’t, we’ll be building lots of jails and “re-education camps” so that woke leftism will become a thing of the past.”

“We plan to attract overseas investment to the UK by banning all trade unions and completely abolishing tax for billionaires, so that all of my Russian chums can bring their money here….magic unicorns….money trees….everyone will be rich (or at least, anyone who matters will be)… pensioners will get everything free… thousands of new schools….free housing….immigration reduced to zero…ditto inflation….ditto cost of living…blah blah blah….

“And unlike all the other politicians, I never tell lies, so vote Gargoyle for a Brave New World…”

Some politicians from other parties also said some things, but they’re not as much fun as Niglet so we didn’t bother about reporting them.