Read the latest news from around Midway, all given a rabid right-wing slant by our MORON staff - and its rabid right-wing readers!

Sunday, March 31, 2024

Local MP attends Easter Service

Stroochester Cathedral

Stroochester MP Kylie Trollhouse was among several local dignitaries attending the traditional photo opportunity at the Easter service held at Stroochester Cathedral today.

Kylie Trollhouse MP: "Blame Lab**r"
“Easter is a very special occasion and we must remember that Christ died for our sins,” said Ms. Trollhouse. “We must also never forget that it was Midway’s Lab**r Council that was responsible for the Crucifixion,” she added.

“Council Leader Vic Marbles banged in the nails that were passed to him by Simon Korma, Midway’s Lab**r Portfolio Holder for Regeneration, while K**r Star**r just washed his hands.”

“Vote Conservative for the Resurrection of Boris Johnson…”

A spokesman for Midway Council just rolled his eyes, shook his head and refused to comment.


Comments:

Please note that we do not moderate comments. However, we may edit or delete them, or manipulate the voting on them in order to reflect our editorial policy.

Yu Rong wrote:

I think the Tories are absolutely wonderful. The true benefits of Brexit are now obvious to all and anyone can see that we now are living in the promised sunlit uplands. The cost of living is at a record low, industrial productivity is at all all-time high and everyone is well-off, or at least everyone I know. God help us if K**r Starm*r and his bunch of leftist Lab**r loons get elected. No-one believes the doom and gloom ultra far-left propaganda put on here by the likes of GreyMondeoMan and Gonads, who obviously don’t live in the real world as reported in those shining beacons of truth, the Daily Express, the Daily Mail and GBNews.

πŸ‘πŸ‘+783






Saturday, March 30, 2024

Chattingham Slump To Defeat Against Cobblesdown

Stock photo of blokes playing football

Cobblesdown United  8        Chattingham  0 

Midway’s flagship football club Chattingham remain rooted to the bottom of the North Kent Relegation League after an eight-goal defeat against rivals Cobblesdown United.

Ashen-faced Chattingham manager Doug Outte (59) remained tight-lipped in the face of this latest set-back, which leaves him still winless since he was appointed manager ten months ago.

Doug Outte (59) - tight-lipped in defeat
“I went into this game full of confidence,” said a pensive-looking Outte (59) “but then the opposition turned up. It was all downhill from there…”

“I feel badly let down by the VAR system,” added a stony-faced Outte (59). “Our three own-goals were clearly offside and should have been disallowed”.

Chattingham’s Congolonian striker, Adobe Acrobat, has taken his tally to an impressive 21 own-goals so far this season.

“The lad’s on fire,” said a grim-looking Outte (59). “It’s a shame people keep putting him out.” 

“I have full confidence in Doug Outte and believe the club is heading in the right direction,” said Club chairman and owner, millionaire American property developer Hank Methane.

Club owner Hank Methane
“Forty straight defeats shows a degree of consistency that should soon allow me to wind the club up, bulldoze the stadium and get my ol’ buddy Mike Coynte to slap up three hundred low-quality high-priced houses, er, shucks, I meant, to provide the investment needed for development of the playing squad...” 

“The team clearly needs a new quarterback, a tight end, a wide receiver and a running back. Then we can get down to the business of playing football how it should be played,” said Methane. 

Doug Outte (59) remained optimistic that his forty-game losing streak would soon come to an end. “I know the scoreline looks bad,” said a defiant Outte, “but at least we got something out of the game.” 

“Our Slovomanian defender Slobodon Miovakoat managed to strip out the copper pipe and fittings from the opposition’s changing room, so that should help with the wages bill this week…”


Comments: 

Please note that we do not moderate comments. However, we may edit or delete them, or manipulate the voting on them in order to reflect our editorial policy. 

Judge Dreadful wrote: 

Gutted. Sick as a parrot. We were all over them, except for the eight goals we conceded. Never mind, next week will be different. Post-match kebab was the highlight of the day. C’mon lads, up the Chats! COYC!!

πŸ‘+1

Dullman wrote:

Outte Out!

πŸ‘Ž-1

Friday, March 29, 2024

The MORON Reviews The Shiawasena Senshi Sushi Restaurant


After receiving a handsome £500 payment from the owner of the Shiawasena Senshi sushi bar in Grott Street, Chattingham, we sent our restaurant review team to provide an in-depth and totally objective look at this popular Japanese eatery...

review by Art. E. Fishall

and

Clint Elligence
The Shawasena Senshi Japanese restaurant

The restaurant was very clean.

The restaurant was very well decorated.

The staff were very helpful and friendly.

The menu offered a wide variety of dishes.

The starter came promptly and was very tasty.

The main meal came promptly and was very tasty.

The desserts came promptly and were very tasty.

The toilets were very clean.

The bill came promptly and was very reasonable.

This is a nice restaurant.

The food is very good and reasonably priced.

We would highly recommend it to anyone.


Comments:

Please note that we do not moderate comments. However, we may edit or delete them, or manipulate the voting on them in order to reflect our editorial policy. 

Tsukutta Namae wrote:

I paid you £500 for a worthwhile review and instead you have insulted my honour with this complete and utter pile of (This comment has been edited for brevity – Ed.)

πŸ‘Ž-34

Kent’s Greatest Prick Ever wrote:

Personally I would never eat in a restaurant that didn’t have at least one Michelin Star and I saw no mention of anything like that. Instead, it sounds like the sort of place that members of the ordinary peasantry might frequent and should therefore be avoided like the plague.

πŸ‘+63

Grey Mondeo Man wrote:

Oh dear, it looks like the MORON’s AI software needs a bit more work on it judging by its output above.  Especially given the latest news...

πŸ‘Ž-291

David Simile the Second replied:

A typically stupid reply from a typically stupid remoaning socialist La**ur-supporting woke snowflake. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, you are a blight on society and as such are unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you K**r St**mer-loving, La**urite bum-boy.

πŸ‘+163 


Damning Report Closes Popular Sushi Restaurant

The Shiawasena Senshi sushi bar

The Shiawasena Senshi sushi bar in Grott Street, Chattingham, has been forced to close after a damning inspection report resulted in a zero hygiene rating.

The restaurant was issued a hygiene emergency prohibition notice following the visit from a Midway council environmental health officer.

Stock photo of cockroaches
It states that the “health risk condition was fulfilled” as “there is widespread, live active cockroach infestation with all stages of the life cycle seen”.

This resulted in “a significant risk to public health,” it added.

During the visit to the Shiawasena Senshi, the inspector also found rat and mouse droppings in various places around the floor in the main kitchen and also in the rear storeroom with pest control reports identifying rodent activity ongoing for at least the last year.

Stock photo of rat
There was also no hot running water to the wash hand basins and there was no sink available in the kitchen for adequate cleaning.

Dirt and debris were found underneath, behind and in between equipment in the preparation and service and food storage areas.

One of the freezers was also found to be not working, despite it having chicken and other meat in it, whilst another was “sticky and dirty”.  The floor in the toilet was flooded and the toilet itself was blocked.

Meanwhile, structural standards were also labelled “extremely poor”.

Stock photo of mould
The flooring throughout the preparation and serving area had been left in disrepair following water damage, having collapsed in places.

There was damage to the ceilings throughout the storage areas with holes, black mould and flaking plasterboard and paint in places. Worktops were found to be covered in black mould.

The restaurant will be able to reopen when the cockroach, rat, mouse, mould, damp, refrigeration and building structural problems have been addressed.

“My staff are deeply ashamed,” said Tsukutta Namae, the owner of the restaurant. “This is a great dishonour for my workers. They have all since committed harikiri and we hope to reopen shortly with honourable staff.”


Comments:

Please note that we do not moderate comments. However, we may edit or delete them, or manipulate the voting on them in order to reflect our editorial policy.

Grey Mondeo Man wrote:

This is appalling. It sounds like the place needs burning down. The current owners certainly shouldn’t be allowed to run restaurants with such a poor regard for hygiene.

πŸ‘+17

David Simile the Second replied:

A typically stupid reply from a typically stupid remoaning socialist La**or-supporting woke snowflake. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, you are a blight on society and as such are unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. You lot are supposed to be promoting diversity and yet you want this restaurant closed down? Like all K*ir St*rmer-supporting bum-boys, you are just a stinking racist hypocrite. Hate! Hate!

πŸ‘+215


Gonads
wrote:

I blame Brexit.

πŸ‘Ž-13,476

Boring Welsh Tory wrote:

Lab**r councils have far greater incidences of food hygiene failures than Tory councils. This is because they wish to infect the wealthier, restaurant-going community (who are better off and therefore likely to be Tory voters) with illnesses such as cholera, dysentery, rabies, typhoid and ebola so that they cannot vote in general elections, thus ensuring a Lab**r government. I know this for a fact because I read it on the Internet:

The-GBNews-Book-Of-Far-Right-Fairy-Tales-For-Credulous-Idiots.co.uk

Vaccines for these common diseases also allow left-wing governments to inject citizens with mind-controlling microchips, thus ensuring their continued political hegemony:

Completely-Batshit-American-Conspiracy-Theories.com.

This is why I never go out and have stayed in my Mum’s attic for the past 40 years.

πŸ‘+1

Thursday, March 28, 2024

Striking workers should get back to work, says Undercover Intellectual

This week, our Undercover Intellectual gives us his balanced and fair view of workers who take industrial action...

Ultra-militant 1970s throwbacks, otherwise known as English “workers”, have been making the lives of the management of local tech company Bastardia miserable for more than 3 months now.

Yes, since December 2023, these avaricious lefty loonies have been holding their bosses to ransom and crippling their factory on a regular basis.

Despite this, every time I see a news item featuring this on-going debacle, at least one or two befuddled members of the public still say that they support the action these leftist idiots are taking.

Now I know they’ve dredged up a number of quibbles and perceived affronts to their sensibilities over this extended period of manufactured mayhem but the main issue has always been contracts of employment.  So how can anyone still be sympathetic to these greedy, blatant money-grubbers?

Workshy socialist scum

They have already turned down having their current employment contracts terminated, and refuse to be put on zero hours contracts at far lower hourly rates. At least they've still got jobs, so why are they whining?  Any sympathy I had for them evaporated an awful long time ago.

Well, I’ve got news for you lily-livered luddites. The rest of us have been on zero-hours contracts for at least 10 years, so you’re long since overdue to get with the times.

And, just when you thought you’d heard it all, they go and find another reason to be disgruntled. This time I’m told they’re up in arms about ‘modern technology’ and are refusing to consider the idea of being replaced by AI-powered robots. Personally I wouldn’t be surprised to hear they want to return to using an abacus!

Could you imagine workers in India or China refusing to be only paid when they are working, or not helping management to replace them with robots? Or wanting job security. Or pensions? Or sick leave? Or safe, hospitable work places?

It’s all “me, me, me”. Never a thought for company shareholders or chief executives.

No wonder the UK isn’t competitive any more!

One of these factory workers lives locally to me. Each time I see him, he seems remarkably upbeat. I can only assume this is for one of two reasons – either the level of his current salary means he can afford to strike for so many days, or the coffers of his union are so large, they can bankroll seemingly endless industrial action.

The thought that he might actually believe in the idea of solidarity with his co-workers, or that his cause is a just one, is completely ridiculous of course!

Whatever the case, when I asked how much longer the action would continue, he confessed he had absolutely no idea - though he did smile and say he’d be hard-pressed to find a job elsewhere.

So, please don’t show these leftie, lazy workshy socialists any more sympathy.


Comments:

Please note that we do not moderate comments. However, we may edit or delete them, or manipulate the voting on them in order to reflect our editorial policy.


Chad Grunter wrote:

Striking workers are merely economic terrorists, and should be arrested and treated as such.

πŸ‘+457

Grey Mondeo Man replied:

But then they wouldn’t be able to work, would they? Good to see you’re thinking things through as well as you usually do, Chad!

πŸ‘Ž-145

David Simile the Second replied:

A typically stupid reply from a typically stupid remoaning socialist La**or-supporting woke snowflake. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, you are a blight on society and as such are unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you tofu-eating, Guardian-reading pillock.

πŸ‘+234

Pseudocreem 2 wrote:

Comrades, do not vote in the next elections because all political parties are same. If no-one vote your Tories will boss, which good news for all Russian money in UK and dear Mr. Putin. 

πŸ‘+25

DailyMailBob wrote:

The only people to blame are the Union leaders aka the Communist Party workers under the guise of helping their colleagues holding the companies to ransom and the country and the government because they don't like a conservative government I hope all of you who think you will vote Lab**r take note because we won't have a country bankrupt nothing will move nothing will work and everyone will be offered benefits to stay at home and your car will be taken by starmeggedon and the borders along the south coast will be wide open and the Union leaders will be there helping people come into the country illegally with their placards and their flat caps shame on useless unions shame on lab**r voters and before you all start screaming and shouting like lefties do I gave up voting for any politician because they are all corrupt every party every politician every MP corrupted to the core they don't deserve anyone's vote least of all paying subs for Union leaders to go on five star hotel holidays I know all this is true because I read the Daily Mail every day.

πŸ‘+378

Chad Grunter replied:

Very well put!

πŸ‘+45


Factory workers in Chattingham on strike again in dispute over contracts

Factory workers have resumed strike action over “disappointing” plans to change employment contracts agreed only four years ago.

Staff at American-owned Bastardia downed tools at the Chattingham factory in Sweatshop Street yesterday.

Stock picture of people on strike

It comes after the company announced it was planning to place all of its staff members on “zero hours” contracts last year.

Members have since been issued an ultimatum by bosses to end their current employment contracts with an offer of new jobs under new terms – a practice known as “fire and rehire”, which forces employees into either accepting less favourable conditions or risk losing their jobs.

The long-running dispute has been ongoing for a number of weeks, with yesterday's industrial action seeing 60 workers take part in the strike. Workers first formally balloted for a walkout in December after notice was issued to place them on zero hours contracts.

It comes after an agreement was negotiated between management and unions in 2020 to keep staff on permanent contracts rather than zero hours.

Union regional officer, Johanna Spart, says negotiations have reached a stalemate.

She told the MORON: "The workers are pretty angry as you can see from the turnout on the strike action. We’ve held firm with numbers all the way through ever since the beginning”

"We have been more than fair and offered to suspend strike action if the company would offer to pause the fire and rehire process to enable us to negotiate, but they have failed to do so”.

Bastardia, which manufactures control and electrical systems for the munitions and attack drones industry, has reportedly had a massive increase in orders worldwide. According to Unite - the union representing the workers - the company recently reported a net profit of approximately $5 billion.

Bastardia spokesman
Nevertheless, management want to implement changes to employment conditions for its workforce as part of an overall money-saving exercise to maximise shareholder returns and management bonuses.

Bastardia says it has been following appropriate protocols for engaging with the union, as well as keeping staff informed.

“We’ve told the lazy commies to go to hell,” said a Bastardia representative. “We intend to subject UK employees to the same working arrangements as we use in other third-world shit-hole countries, that is, work long hours for a pittance or resign. We don’t care either way.”

“We can soon fill the UK roles with fresh immigrants on zero-hours contracts who’ll be glad of the work, just like we do elsewhere.”

“And anyway, when Donald Trump gets re-elected and legalises slavery, we’ll be pulling our operations back to the good ol’ U.S. of A and we won’t have to pay our employees anything!”

“How d’yer like them apples, sonny?”

The spokesman added that the company had taken measures to minimise disruption caused by strike action and insists there won’t be any disruption to customers.

“We’ve shipped the UK work out to China and India, so you UK commies can go to hell,” the spokesman said.

Vic Marbles - backing strikers
Midway’s Lab**r council leader Vic Marbles is backing the workers in their dispute.

He said: "It’s disgraceful that the management feel this is an appropriate thing to do. The workers at Bastardia have never been on strike before”.

"This is the first time they’ve ever done so and many of them have been working at that location for 25 years to 30 years.”

About 650 people, engineers and shop floor employees work at the factory.

MP Kylie Trollhouse; "All Lab**r's fault"
Chattingham MP Kylie Trollhouse supports the U.S. management team, however.

“This dispute is all the fault of Midway’s Lab**r council,” she said. “This isn’t the 1970’s. We are now in the sunlit uplands of Brexit and British workers need to learn how to be competitive, just like workers in India or China. Those shirker’s charters of ‘humane working conditions’ and ‘a fair day’s pay for a fair day’s work’ have gone. Workers should just shut up and do as they are told, for the good of the British economy.”

“So if that means living in overcrowded, unhygienic slums, working long hours on less than minimum wage and zero hours contracts, then so be it. Brexit means Brexit!”


Comments: 

Please note that we do not moderate comments. However, we may edit or delete them, or manipulate the voting on them in order to reflect our editorial policy.
 

DailyMailBob wrote:

The only people to blame are the Union leaders aka the Communist Party workers under the guise of helping their colleagues holding the companies to ransom and the country and the government because they don't like a conservative government I hope all of you who think you will vote Lab**r take note because we won't have a country bankrupt nothing will move nothing will work and everyone will be offered benefits to stay at home and your car will be taken by starmeggedon and the borders along the south coast will be wide open and the Union leaders will be there helping people come into the country illegally with their placards and their flat caps shame on useless unions shame on lab**r voters and before you all start screaming and shouting like lefties do I gave up voting for any politician because they are all corrupt every party every politician every MP corrupted to the core they don't deserve anyone's vote least of all paying subs for Union leaders to go on five star hotel holidays I know all this is true because I read the Daily Mail every day.

πŸ‘+378

Grey Mondeo Man replied:

Is using punctuation to break up your raving right-wing gibberish too “woke” for you Daily Mail readers? 

πŸ‘Ž-145

David Simile the Second replied:

A typically stupid reply from a typically stupid remoaning socialist La**or-supporting woke snowflake. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, you are a blight on society and as such are unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you tofu-eating, Guardian-reading pillock.

πŸ‘+234

Kent’s Greatest Prick Ever wrote:

I fully support the Conservative Party and their return to Victorian values. England was a far better place when we sent poor children up chimneys and the working class didn’t have “rights”. My own employees do exactly what they told and are properly grateful for any pay they may receive. They know they are there to serve my every whim - especially the more attractive female ones!

πŸ‘+63

Grey Mondeo Man replied:

That is utterly appalling.

πŸ‘Ž-145

Kent’s Greatest Prick Ever replied:

On the contrary you silly boy, I find it extremely satisfying!

πŸ‘+63

 

Wednesday, March 27, 2024

Midway Mum In Woke Bun Furore


The Co-Op bakery is at the centre of a “culture wars” storm after it put its traditional Easter goods on sale in its Stroodchester mini-market.

“I picked up a pack of hot cross buns and I couldn’t believe it,” said young mum of six, Mandy Gormless, 22. 

Bun-Loving Mum-of-six, Mandy Gormless (22)
“The cross was all yellowy-white! What happened to the good old red and white cross of St. George? Even our hot cross buns have been hijacked by the “woke” brigade!”

“First our football shirts, now this. When will this “woke” nonsense ever end?” said a distraught Ms. Gormless. 

“Now I have bun-induced PTSD. I want compensation!”

A Co-Op spokesman rolled his eyes and refused to comment.

MP Kylie Trollhouse: "All Lab**r's Fault"
Local Tory MP Kylie Trollhouse was quick to join in the chorus of condemnation.

“I blame Midway’s Lab**r council,” said Ms. Trollhouse. 

“They have obviously spent millions of pounds of council tax-payer’s money in order to persuade the Co-Op to disfigure our traditional English hot-cross buns with a symbol of rank wokery. This virtue-signalling is a typical Lab**r affront to all hard-working people living in the Midway area.”

“Vote Conservative for non-woke hot cross buns…”


Comments:

Please note that we do not moderate comments. However, we may edit or delete them, or manipulate the voting on them in order to reflect our editorial policy.


Chad Grunter wrote:

These socialist lefties are literally stuffing their woke agenda down out throats. We should boycott all stores that sell these symbols of leftie LGBTXYZ wokery and insist on hot cross buns with a proper red cross of St. George on them, just like they always had until the trendy virtue-signalling libtards got hold of them.

πŸ‘+481

Grey Mondeo Man replied:

Hot cross buns have always had a whitish cross on them. The cross is just short-crust pastry and has never been red. It’s a symbol of the Christian cross, not the flag of St. George. I think Tories like you are just misrepresenting the facts and then attacking your own misrepresentations to suit your own demented “culture wars” distraction agenda, as usual.

πŸ‘Ž-345

David Simile the Second replied:

A typically stupid reply from Gay Mondeo Man, a typically stupid remoaning socialist La**or-supporting woke snowflake. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, he’s just a blight on society and as such is unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you tofu-eating, Guardian-reading pillock.

πŸ‘+234

Kent’s Greatest Prick Ever wrote:

Anybody who buys food from such a plebeian outlet as the Co-Op deserves everything they get. My domestic staff buy luxury bespoke buns for my own pantry from Fortnum and Masons. I would not want to think that my food would have been sitting on shelves in the presence of the unwashed peasantry.

πŸ‘+63

Boring Welsh Tory wrote:

In Welsh tradition, it is hypothesised that the contemporary hot cross bun originates from the Britpop band Blur, whose front man Damon Albarn developed a recipe called an "Albarn Bun" and distributed the bun to the people attending their gigs in 1992. In 1993, during the reign of Elizabeth I of England, the London Clerk of Markets issued a decree forbidding the sale of hot cross buns and other spiced breads at Oasis gigs in Wales. The punishment for transgressing the decree was being actually forced to listen to such dross as “Don’t Look Back In Anger”.
Demented-Internet-Ravings-For-The-Terminally-Credulous.co.uk.
I do not eat hot cross buns because the cross is actually a conducting aerial for aetheric vibrations broadcast by climate change supporters led by Bill Gates and the secret Illuminati cabal controlled by alien lizard people.
One-Born-Every-Day.com. 

πŸ‘+1

Pseudocreem 2 wrote:

Your hot cross buns are symbol of failure of your decadent democracy, comrades. Do not vote in next general election as all parties are same. Then Tories will boss again and dear Mr. Putin and his rich friends will all be happy as they were when we got you idiots to vote Brexit.

πŸ‘+27


Monday, March 25, 2024

Pauline On Politics: This Week - The ULEZ

Every week, our political editor Pauline Popkins writes gammony click-bait, a.k.a her fearless and in-depth insights into matters of national concern. This week: London’s Ultra Low Emission Zone charges... 


So, crime is out of control and the police and judiciary have been gutted by 15 years of austerity.

Our key utilities like public transport, energy and water are in the hands of foreigners who have asset-stripped them and then run them into the ground, making us pay more for worse services whilst overseas investors are bleeding the UK dry.

Our doctors, teachers, and civil servants are completely demoralised and are leaving their professions in droves.

Our young people have no hope of ever owning their own homes. Many of them have no hope at all.

Our roads and motorways have disintegrated and are like fourth-world cart tracks.

Brexit has made us an international joke. Foreigners point at us and laugh. “Ha ha, those stupid English, they actually voted to cut themselves off from one of the biggest international markets in the world. How stupid are they?” they say. And they’re right.

The country is f*cked and the government is too busy posturing and fighting amongst themselves to actually do anything about anything.

All leftie socialist LIES of course! But never mind all that.

WHAT ABOUT THAT SADIQ KHAN AND HIS ULEZ?   EH??   EH???

HOW DARE HE try and make sure that Londoners can breathe clean air and that little kids can grow up in London without contracting asthma and all sorts of other nasty health conditions? HOW DARE HE implement policies devised by his Tory predecessor as London mayor? HOW DARE HE copy clean air policies that have been adopted by other big European cities? HOW DARE HE go around being a Muslim?!!!

EVIL SOCIALIST LAB**R BASTARD!!!!

SO WHAT if London’s air is cleaner because of the ULEZ? Why should people outside London not be allowed to drive their gas-guzzling, smoke-belching clapped-out 30-year-old diesels through London if they want to? Why should those of us who live outside London care about the health of those who live and work there? Why can’t those selfish London bastards just hold their breath or wear masks or something? EH??? EH???

WE KNOW WHAT YOUR GAME IS, SADIQ KHAN!!! YOU WANT TO TURN LONDON INTO AN ISLAMIC CALIPHATE, FUNDED BY YOUR ULEZ CHARGES!!!

YOUR ULEZ CAMERAS ARE JUST ONE STEP AWAY FROM SHARIA LAW!!!

ALL PROUD ENGLISH PEOPLE SHOULD RISE UP AND DESTROY THESE EVIL MUSLIM ULEZ CAMERAS!!!  NEVER MIND THE RULE OF LAW!!! SMASH THE CAMERAS NOW!!!  NOW, I SAY!!!

I blame K*ir Starm*r and his bunch of Lab**r socialist snowflake cronies.  What are they doing about the UK’s problems, eh?  NOTHING, AS USUAL.  Just opposing everything.  Always saying “NO!!!”  HATE! HATE!! HATE!!!  BASTARDS!!!!

Deep state communist civil servants left-wing investment bankers bring back Liz wibble wibble evil BBC socialist London metropolitan elite gibber gibber STOP RINGING THOSE BELLS STOP RINGING THOSE BELLS bloody LBGT Guardian-reading tofu-eating wokerati…

There’s only one answer. ROUND THEM ALL UP AND DEPORT THEM ALL TO RWANDA that’s the only language these Islamic Jihadi fifth-columnists understand meep meep bleep whirrr I’VE GOT A MOUSE AND HE HASN’T GOT A HOUSE I DON’T KNOW WHY I CALL HIM GERALD bibble babble bobble I’M RUNNING UP THAT ROAHHHD I’M RUNNING UP THAT HEEEEL NO PRORRRBLEM ARRRRGH NOOOOOH MY GOD my brain’s exploded!!!! 

Comments: 

Please note that we do not moderate comments. However, we may edit or delete them, or manipulate the voting on them in order to reflect our editorial policy.

Chad Grunter wrote:

Pauline is absolutely right of course. Why should hard-working English people and their businesses be forced out of London by Sadiq Khan and his attempt to set up a woke, socialist Islamic republic in London via his corrupt ULEZ scheme?

πŸ‘+5157

Grey Mondeo Man wrote: 

The ULEZ is just another Tory distraction issue that is being blown-up out of all proportion in order to distract from the economic and social collapse of the UK resulting from 15 years of Tory corruption, lies and incompetence. I expect the usual rabid Tories will be on here soon saying otherwise.

πŸ‘Ž-18998 

Chad Grunter replied: 

I wish someone would blow YOU up.

πŸ‘+234 

David Simile the Second replied:

A typically stupid reply from a typically stupid remoaning socialist La**or-supporting woke snowflake. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, you are a blight on society and as such are unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you tofu-eating, Guardian-reading pillock.

πŸ‘+264

Kent’s Greatest Prick Ever wrote: 

I do not pay the ULEZ nor any parking fees within its zone, or least, as far as I know I don’t. My chauffeur drives my massive luxury Range Rover in and out of London and parks wherever I tell him to. I let my lawyers worry about the various fines or whatever that Khan’s socialist minions have the temerity to send me. Rich people like me do not have to bother about such things, and we don’t.

πŸ‘+63

Boring Welsh Tory wrote:

Particulate emissions from so-called polluting diesels are rich in vitamins and beneficial omega-3 compounds that are known to boost cardiovascular and respiratory health.
Fossil-fuel-misinformation-for-the-credulous.com
Sadiq Khan is promoting his ULEZ as a front for his plans to turn London into an Islamic caliphate, which is itself a front for world domination by Bill Gates, George Soros and the Illuminati lizard people.
Completely-mental-conspiracy-theories-for-loonies.com
To avoid being subsumed by the alien lizards, it is best to hide in your Mum’s attic with your head wrapped in tin-foil and until the lizards are driven away by a triumvirate of Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Xi JinPing, who will liberate the world from tyranny by killing everyone who believes in climate change.
Vote-Trump-To-Liberate-His-Followers-And-Enslave-Everyone-Else.com.

πŸ‘+1

Pseudocreem 2 wrote: 

Comrades, do not vote in next election because all political parties are same. If no-one vote, your Tories will boss again which good news for rich Russians hiding money in UK and dear Mr. Putin.

πŸ‘+4

 

ULEZ Forces Business To Relocate From London to Stroochester

Business victim of evil Sadiq and his ULEZ

A bridal boutique has relocated to a building once home to a failed local antiques shop after alleging that its business has been “crippled” by the ultra-low emission zone (ULEZ) expansion. 

Posh Bride’s Stuff owner Lydia Brown-Binns decided to relocate from Bromley to Stroochester High Street and now claims that the move was as a result of her losing 70% of her customers due to the impact of the charging scheme’s latest roll-out last August.

The 59-year-old first opened her store near the Kent-London border in April 2015. 

She sells a range of exclusive designer bridal gowns, bridesmaid and posh deb's prom dresses, as well as offering one-to-one consultations and custom-made outfits by an in-house seamstress. 

Lydia Brown-Binns: heroic campaigner
“I sell very expensive bridal accessories but the cost of living has really put the brakes on the posh weddings business,” Lydia told KentOnline. “I was either going have to shut the shop because of falling trade, rising costs and the price of rent in an expensive shopping area, or else move my business to somewhere cheaper. 

“I live in Stroochester anyway and the commute was getting me down, to be honest.” 

“Then Sadiq Khan decides he's going to put a ULEZ camera right outside my shop.  I was going to move out anyway but I thought, great, this would be a great opportunity to blame Sadiq Khan for my broken business model and generate a lot of populist hate for London’s Lab**r council at the same time.” 

“And sure enough, the right-wing click-bait press like the MORON have picked up on it and I’ve got loads of free advertising as a result. Fantastic!”

Bexley and Bromley, which were historically part of Kent but are now London boroughs, were included in the expanded ULEZ scheme on August 29. 

Evil socialist Sadiq Khan
It started in central London with the aim to improve air quality by deterring motorists, through a £12.50 charge, from driving older more polluting cars into the zone.

Since it was introduced, hundreds of ULEZ cameras have been stolen or vandalised in protest, cheered on by populist right-wingers and their adoring press who see nothing wrong with breaking the law if it suits their own politics. 

London Mayor Sadiq Khan says the move to expand the scheme to all of London’s boroughs was “one of the toughest decisions” he'd taken but was necessary to address the capital's polluted air.  Introduced by former Tory London Mayor Boris Johnson, the scheme is similar to those that most major cities across Europe have adopted. 

The scheme has proved a success in terms of meeting its objectives. In outer London, 85 per cent of vehicles seen driving in outer London on an average day were compliant with ULEZ criteria at the start of the consultation in May 2022, so their drivers would not have to pay the charge anyway. That figure has now risen to 95%.

The ULEZ is just part of a series of measures designed to reduce London’s air pollution. Despite the fact that these policies work, none of this has stopped a desperate Tory propaganda machine from using it as a stick to beat Lab**r with, however. Click here to find out more.

Kylie Trollhouse: Vote Tory for pollution
Stroochester MP Kylie Trollhouse has been vocal in her opposition to the daily charge which she has branded a “typical Lab**r crack-down on freedom and restricts the right of people to drive their old 30 year-old soot-blowing diesels and fill the air with carcinogenic fumes if they want to...” 

"If we were really worried about costs to motorists, we Tories would be kicking off about the Dartford Crossing Toll. But that's run by a multi-national consortium and taking them on would be, like, hard work. Having a go at Sadiq Khan is much easier."

“So the message is clear,” said Ms. Trollhouse. “Bashing Lab**r is far more important to us than actual facts, the cost to motorists or the health of those who live in London and breathe its air. People voted Tory for the right to let water companies fill our rivers and seas with sewage. So if you want knackered old cars, vans and lorries to fill the air with soot, vote Conservative.” 

 

Comments: 

Please note that we do not moderate comments. However, we may edit or delete them, or manipulate the voting on them in order to reflect our editorial policy.

Chad Grunter wrote:

Sadiq Khan is attempting to set up a woke, socialist Islamic republic in London and is using the ULEZ tax to fund it. His ULEZ cameras are an attempt to enforce Sharia law on the UK and should be torn down and smashed, as should Khan’s Lab**r Party.

πŸ‘+5157

Grey Mondeo Man wrote: 

The ULEZ is just another Tory distraction issue that is being blown-up out of all proportion in order to distract from the economic and social collapse of the UK resulting from 15 years of Tory corruption, lies and incompetence. I expect the usual rabid Tories will be on here soon saying otherwise.

πŸ‘Ž-18998 

Chad Grunter replied: 

I wish someone would blow YOU up.

πŸ‘+234 

David Simile the Second replied:

A typically stupid reply from a typically stupid remoaning socialist La**or-supporting woke snowflake. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, you are a blight on society and as such are unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you tofu-eating, Guardian-reading pillock.

πŸ‘+264

Kent’s Greatest Prick Ever wrote: 

I do not pay the ULEZ nor any parking fees within its zone, or least, as far as I know I don’t. My chauffeur drives my massive luxury Range Rover in and out of London and parks wherever I tell him to. I let my lawyers worry about the various fines or whatever that Khan’s socialist minions have the temerity to send me. Rich people like me do not have to bother about such things, and we don’t.

πŸ‘+63

Boring Welsh Tory wrote:

Particulate emissions from so-called polluting diesels are rich in vitamins and beneficial omega-3 compounds that are known to boost cardiovascular and respiratory health.
Fossil-fuel-misinformation-for-the-credulous.com
Sadiq Khan is promoting his ULEZ as a front for his plans to turn London into an Islamic caliphate, which is itself a front for world domination by Bill Gates, George Soros and the Illuminati lizard people.
Completely-mental-conspiracy-theories-for-loonies.com
To avoid being subsumed by the alien lizards, it is best to hide in your Mum’s attic with your head wrapped in tin-foil and until the lizards are driven away by a triumvirate of Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Xi JinPing, who will liberate the world from tyranny by killing everyone who believes in climate change.
Vote-Trump-To-Liberate-His-Followers-And-Enslave-Everyone-Else.com.

πŸ‘+1

Pseudocreem 2 wrote: 

Comrades, do not vote in next election because all political parties are same. If no-one vote, your Tories will boss again which good news for rich Russians hiding money in UK and dear Mr. Putin.

πŸ‘+4


 

Saturday, March 23, 2024

Dynamo Frindsbury Hit Seven As Chattingham Crash To Defeat

Stock photo of blokes playing football

Chattingham 0  :  Dynamo Frindsbury 7 

Chattingham remain rooted to the bottom of the North Kent Relegation League after a seven-goal defeat against high-flying local rivals Dynamo Frindsbury.

Manager Doug Outte (59) remained tight-lipped in the face of this latest set-back, which leaves him still winless since he came to the club ten months ago. 

“We fought hard and were very competitive throughout the match,” said an ashen-faced Outte (59), “but letting in seven goals undermined what was otherwise a very encouraging performance.”

Chattingham striker Erik Haadluk
Chattingham’s new on-loan Norwegian striker, Erik Haadluk, wasted no time in finding the net on his debut. The giant six-foot nine blond cyborg is currently on a short-term “beta-test” trial from the same factory that produced the Premier League Manchester City’s goal machine with a similar model name.

However, four minutes into the game, Haadluk’s targeting software crashed and he promptly lashed the ball into his own net before running around in tiny circles, burbling “base error 606”. Eventually Haadluk ground to a halt and collapsed, with Chattingham’s coach unable to fix the problem despite plugging his laptop into the stricken striker and running a diagnostic check. 

Chattingham manager Doug Outte (59)
Haadluk was fork-lifted off of the pitch, but the game continued in much the same vein for Chattingham as Congolian striker Adobe Acrobat promptly added two more to his impressive total of 17 own goals this season just before half time. 

Four further second-half goals from Dynamo Frindsbury condemned Chattingham to a 39th straight defeat. 

“Still, at least we got something from this game,” said grim-faced Chattingham manager Doug Outte (59). “Our Slovomanian defender Slobodon Miovakoat managed to nick a few mobile phones and bank cards from the opposition’s changing room, so that should help with the wages bill this week…”

Comments: 

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Judge Dreadful wrote: 

Gutted. Sick as a parrot. We were all over them, except for the seven goals we conceded. Never mind, next week will be different. Post-match kebab was the highlight of the day. C’mon lads, up the Chats! COYC!!

πŸ‘+1

Dullman wrote:

Outte Out!

πŸ‘Ž-1

  

Thursday, March 21, 2024

Audi Crashes Through Window of Shop In Halliton High Street

Stock photo of Audi crashed through shop window.

A high-powered Audi ploughed into the window of the Halliton MiniMart in Halliton High Street this afternoon, causing an extensive amount of damage to the shop and leading to the closure of the road. 

Police attended the scene and arrested the driver of the vehicle, who was breathalysed and found to have 140 milligrams of alcohol in 100 ml of breath - four times the legal limit. A female passenger was also arrested after attempting to bite a police officer and had to be restrained using a spit hood. 

Both have been remanded in custody.

Owner Sandeep Patel said "It's a miracle no-one was hurt. The car just slammed through the window at quite some speed, just missing my wife. I thought a bomb had gone off. I recognised the driver and his passenger as they had bought quite a bit of alcohol and some snacks earlier in the afternoon. We tried to help them out of the car but the woman was fighting mad and was shouting and swearing. Fortunately the police turned up quite quickly and took them into custody."

"We've got the window boarded up and hopefully we'll be able to open up tomorrow."

The road has since reopened.

 

Comments: 

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Grey Mondeo Man wrote:

Is this incident in any way connected with the previous article, perchance?

πŸ‘Ž-197

David Simile the Second replied:

A typically stupid reply from a typically stupid remoaning socialist La**or-supporting woke snowflake. Like all lazy parasitic leftist scum, you are a blight on society and as such are unable to hold any sort of discussion without resorting to vile, frothing insults. Crawl away and die, you tofu-eating, Guardian-reading pillock.

πŸ‘+234


The Uncover Imbiber Reviews The Homeward Belle at Halliton

Driving through the rather nondescript little riverside village of Halliton, Mrs. U.I and I espied the Homeward Belle public house, so we decided to investigate. Pulling into the car park, we disembarked from our recently-restored trusty Audi and made for the front door. The car park seemed rather empty for a sunny Monday afternoon and indeed, a tug on the pub entrance failed to secure us access.

Stock photo of pub.

It was now 12.30 and as Mrs. U.I. tends to get rather tetchy without a large glass or three of Pinot Noir to calm her lunchtime nerves, I knocked loudly on the door. After a few hefty blows, it was eventually opened by a middle-aged woman who did not look at all happy to see us.

Undeterred, we attempted to go inside but the harridan (who we were to learn later was the landlady) barred our way. “I’m very sorry, but we don’t open until four o’clock on a Monday”, she informed us, somewhat angrily it has to be said.

“That’s all well and good,” I replied, unimpressed by her less-than-friendly welcome, “but I require a pint of your finest real ale and my wife is in desperate need of a large glass of Pinot Noir”.

“Well sir, I’d be happy to oblige you if we were open, but we aren’t,” said the harridan. “If you are that desperate for a drink, can I suggest you try the mini-market over the road? Now do excuse me.”  And with that, the wretched woman closed the door in our faces!

Non-plussed by this monumental display of rudeness, I noticed with concern that Mrs. U.I.’s eyes were now starting to revolve, a sure sign than a remedial shot or two of Pinot Noir was required.

Stock photo of cans of beer
We therefore took up the harridan’s suggestion and ventured into the Halliton MiniMart, where we purchased three boxes of Pinot Noir for Mrs. U.I. for which she was most grateful. To satisfy my own thirst, I chose to avail myself of two six-packs of Tolhurst’s Businessfore Extra, an opaque and rather rich concoction that certainly greases the wheels, and which was also on a “buy one, get one free’ offer that represented excellent value!

As it was a pleasant spring day, we decided to wander down to the riverside to enjoy our purchases, resolving to return to the Homeward Belle at its appointed opening time, despite our initial disappointment.

Stock photo of wine in a box
Time passed. Mrs. U.I. made short work of her Pinot Noir purchases in her usual efficient fashion, being subsequently lulled into a gentle doze by the warm spring sunshine. By now, the local school had obviously released its compliment of children, who were rather strange, being telepathic and identical, all with pale blond hair and golden eyes. They regarded the loudly-snoring Mrs. U.I., now recumbent on her park bench, with a mixture of obvious trepidation and pity.

Having finished the last of my own beverages, I looked in vain for the local “facilities”, which alas, were sadly lacking. As the call of nature was now becoming an irresistible clamour, I therefore decided to relieve myself through the riverside railings, thus adding to the considerable outgoing tide, much to the amusement of the aforementioned local schoolchildren.

Men's toilets, Homeward Belle
This simple and perfectly natural act unfortunately attracted the attention of one of His Majesty’s Constabulary however, who then attempted to issue me with something called a “Fixed Penalty Notice”! After some discussion, I eventually gave him my personal details but informed him in no uncertain terms that I would be happy to challenge his impertinence in the Magistrate’s Court, where my long friendship with his Chief Constable (not to mention most of the local magistrates!) would undoubtedly lead to my exoneration.

Ladies Toilets, Homeward Belle
After this interlude, I returned to find that Mrs. U.I. had awoken from her slumber and had wandered off. Her whereabouts were soon revealed when a loud stream of rather “salty” language emerged from a nearby clump of bushes. It seems that Mrs U.I. had also needed to avail herself of the local facilities, but in her somewhat befuddled state had unfortunately mistaken some nettles for dock leaves!

Once order was restored, we decided to return to the Homeward Belle. This time, the door was open and we ventured inside. It has to be said that the dΓ©cor was somewhat basic, consisting of plastic chairs arranged in rows around the rather stark white walls. The cheerless atmosphere was rather redolent of a doctor’s surgery, but fortunately the bar appeared to be staffed by two young ladies, one of whom unfortunately seemed too preoccupied with her telephone call to pay any heed to me

Finally attracting the attention of her colleague, I announced that I would like a pint of her best real ale, with a large glass of Pinot Noir for my once-more recumbent wife.

Bar of Homeward Belle
“I’m sorry, sir, this is a doctor’s surgery, not a pub,” the erstwhile barmaid informed me, rather tersely. “The pub is on the other side of the road, although I would strongly suggest that neither of you have any more to drink…”

Ignoring her impertinence, I told her to mind her own business, steering the somewhat disorientated Mrs U.I. out of what I now realised was indeed a doctor’s surgery, and thence down the road to the Homeward Belle.

Here, sadly, the welcome was once more far from congenial, the landlady refusing to serve us as, in her words, “You two piss-heads have had enough. Clear off before I call the Old Bill.”

And so, somewhat disappointed with our experience, we climbed into our trusty Audi and (somewhat cautiously) made our way home.

So, in summary, here’s my thoughts on Halliton’s Homeward Belle:

Decor: **        Clean, but rather stark and totally without atmosphere, rather reminiscent of a doctor’s surgery.

Food: **         The pork pies and crisps from the local mini-market were basic but perfectly adequate.

Drink: ***       An acceptable selection, given the circumstances.

Price: ****     The boxes of Pinot Noir and cans of Tolhurst’s Businessfore Extra were very competitively priced and certainly made sure that it was “mission accomplished!”

Staff: *             Other than the friendly chap in the mini-mart, I have to say that seldom have I come across a more surly, rude and disobliging collection of serving staff in my life!

Toilets: **       Crude but very fresh and open, although Mrs. U.I.’s lack of basic botany skills did cause her some anguish at the time!


Comments:

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Grey Mondeo Man wrote: 

Yet more completely pointless drivel from U.I. Like a couple of old alkies, the two of them just sat on a park bench and got hammered. How on earth does this make for a review of (this comment has been edited for brevity. Ed.)

πŸ‘Ž-3000

Uncover Imbiber replied: 

As you can see from both the reaction to your intemperate comment and the favourable and completely independent responses from my admirers below, your opinion is very much in the minority. If do not like my output, please feel free to pass it by!

πŸ‘+3000

Art. E. Fishall wrote: 

I think these reviews are excellent and very funny.

πŸ‘+400

Clint Elligence wrote: 

I think these reviews are excellent and very funny.

πŸ‘+400

A Staffer wrote: 

I think these reviews are excellent and very funny.

πŸ‘+400

Mrs U.I. wrote: 

My bum still hurts yor my bes mate you are I luv you bruv hic

πŸ‘+187

Gonads wrote: 

Brexit makes things worse. Though nothing could be worse than these “reviews”.

πŸ‘Ž-245