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Friday, March 8, 2024

Long-serving Chattingham MP to Step Down at Next Election

 Trixie Squatt is standing down as Chattingham's Tory candidate.

Trixie Squatt, Tory MP for Chattingham, has announced that she will not be contesting her seat at the next election.

“I’ve decided to step back from front line politics in order to spend more time with my directorships and consultancies, sorry, I meant my young son,”, said St. Trixie, 43.

“Everybody knows the Tories are a busted flush at the next election. My brief time as Minister for Online Gambling taught me that all Tories are a lying bunch of avaricious, self-serving, back-stabbling, lying weasels”, she added. “I’m just getting out before the humiliating rush”.

“I mean, I know I'm a Tory, but even I can't vote for some of the evil shit they've been pushing through parliament. Demonising immigrants? Allowing water companies to dump raw sewage into our seas and rivers? Keeping terminally ill people alive against their wishes? Lowering standards for imports just because Brexit isn't working? No way."

"Just look at the last lot of by-elections. People have had enough of the Tories. If only there was a way to have all of these by-elections at once…”

Midway Council Leader Vic Marbles
Vic Marbles, leader of Midway’s Lab**r Council, paid tribute to Ms. Squatt.

“Good riddance,” he said, in a poignant farewell, “but at least she’s not quite as loathsome as Kent’s other Tory MPs. I’d like to thank her for everything she did for her constituents over the past 10 years. Except that I can’t because she didn’t do anything, to the best of anyone’s knowledge..."

Midway’s other Tory MPs also noted Trixie’s work as an MP.

Kylie Trollhouse MP
Kylie Trollhouse, MP for Stroochester and Odd Bits Of Chattingham That Got Carved Up So That Lab**r Couldn’t Win, said: “Unlike me, Trixie isn't just lobby fodder. And she doesn't take donations from shady unincorporated associations. I mean, how can you be a proper Tory MP when you actually go around thinking about what you are being asked to vote for, as if you had some sort of moral compass or something? Or not taking money from anonymous donors?"

"I'm glad she's quitting, we can't have Tory MPs with a conscience.”

We approached Rainingham’s Tory MP, Baghman Shifti, for a comment, but apparently no one has seen or heard of him for the past two years.

“The last we heard from him, he was in Saudi Arabia on an all-expenses-paid fact-finding mission”, his office said.


Comments:

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Kent’s Greatest Prick Ever wrote:

I think Trixie is a wonderful person and has done a tremendous amount to ensure that the interests of rich people like myself have been represented at the highest levels of government. Of course, I am not surprised that she is quitting. Politics is not a career for women, after all. Their little brains get easily overwhelmed and they tend to cry “bully” when anyone disagrees with them. It’s best if all women just stay at home and bring up their children, and let men do the hard work.

👍+63